From Head to Toe...

From head to toe, we love this little guy so.


It's hard to believe that just two weeks ago the first of my induced contractions were starting. Not enough to make me uncomfortable but just enough to get my attention and keep reminding me that my whole world, as I knew it, was getting ready to change. Even though I was terrified about what was to come I also had a very surreal sense of peace. I have no doubt about where that peace came from. It came from the the thoughts and prayers that were streaming to God's ears. I lived through it and I continue to live but how I wish he was still here with me. I think it's fair to be a little selfish about that from time to time. It really does seem like it was so long ago and I'm not quite sure why that is. I have to wonder, in two more weeks how long ago it will seem... will it be one of those days that feels like it was just hours ago? Or will it be one of those days that feels like it was in another lifetime?

His hands... his hands will be forever ingrained in my mind. I'm not sure why it's his hands. Maybe because K and R look just like Jim and Eli, well, Eli clearly had MY hands. Maybe it's because his hands weren't bruised at all or because they had teeny tiny finger nails on them and that just blew me away. Maybe it's because that was an easy comparison to make, I was holding his hands in mine, it was undeniable how tiny he was. It's pretty impressive, the impact that a tiny 6" baby can have on your heart.

I often go to Eli's memory box to remind me of his tiny face and feet. Anyway, while I was up looking through his box this afternoon I decided, obviously, to take a photo of the castings of his feet. I can't help but daydream about where these feet would have gone, where they would have traveled and when they would have returned to us. These tiny castings are one of my favorite, tangible things, that I have. They are super delicate so they usually stay in the memory box but today they ventured out. I look at this picture and dream about kissing his sweet chubby little feet. That reality will have to wait for now and thinking about it really makes me miss him but I just have to remind myself that it's only temporary.

I also felt brave and decided to snap a photo of one of the pictures that our nurse took shortly after he was born. Had I felt more of that bravery during everything, I would have just asked her to bring him and the camera over and let me take them, but I wasn't. So, I had some Photoshop therapy this afternoon. I removed the flash marks on his perfect, tissue paper thin skin, brought back some of the color in the receiving blanket but tried to leave his skin tone alone. This is much the way I remember him... it's my reality and he's still a beautiful baby in my eyes.


Thank you for letting me share Eli. I have the greatest group of friends and family that, I think, anyone could hope and wish for. Each and every one of you speaks to a different part of my heart and feeds a different part of my soul. Whether you are half a world away, just down the road or "living in my computer"... I need you all for different reasons and again, thank you for being there. I don't think there's any way that I could do this on my own.