Change...

I am having a hard time with change, always have unless I'm the one who's controlling it. Humm, well, maybe I have a few control issues too but that's not my point right now. My point is that without change there can't be growth. Life would be a very boring, stagnant place. Sure there might be no sorrow but there probably wouldn't be any joy either. I have got to remember that there will always be changes that I cannot control but I can control how I react to them.

There are a lot of things that a big part of me would like to change about this journey that I'm on. I would really like to not lie in bed awake every night tossing and turning until the clock shows 1:04 am. I guess I can be thankful that Eli wasn't born at 3:04 am! I kind of wish that my heart didn't automatically know when Tuesday night arrives so I could get some rest and sleep even if it is restless. However, it is nice to be able to thank God for Eli every late night/early morning that I'm still lying there. Of course I wish he was still here with us though. I miss him like crazy. I miss thinking about how our family of five would interact with each other. I miss wondering what the perfect name for our baby would be. I know his perfect name. I know that as a family of five all we get to do is talk about baby Eli and look at his photographs and I still miss him... that will never change.

I'm curious to see where this major life change takes me. We were so surprised when we found out that we were pregnant with Eli. I'm very glad that I chose to embrace that change with joy and excitement because it was gone so fast. It would have been a tragedy to have spent much time worrying about how I was going to deal with this change and never enjoy the day dreaming about our future.

It's fair to say I'm in the deep end of the tide right now. I have to assume that it's because as I get a little further away from the numbness caused by the intense pain, it just becomes more real. Eli's not coming back to us. It's not some bad dream. It's just the way it is. It gets exhausting some days to try to stay positive about this change. The days keep coming and the sadness, for us, is still there. But the nature of tides is lovely, soon that weight will lift and I'll be above it again.

I'm thrilled that Eli never had to feel any of our worldly hurts, pain, loneliness... he was in the most warm, comfortable place he ever knew when he died. But, for me, it's a pretty uncomfortable place. Anyway, my hope for this change is that it's much like the seasons. I tend to look at the beginning of the changing seasons with such excitement so I'm hoping that soon the sun will start shining again so I can enjoy it and appreciate and grow from this change in my life.