A Change of Peace...

Nope, I didn't spell that wrong.

It's exactly what I feel today... a change of peace. I had come to terms with the fact that Wednesdays would be full of anxiety but today is different. Literally, I have a change of Peace. It's complete peace today. At 1:04 am, yes I was still awake for the 4th week in a row, but I wasn't crying in bed. I was sitting at my computer reading about His perfect plan in someone elses life. I realized He does have a perfect plan for each and every one of us, I just have to follow the path that He sets before me. I'm sure I'm not "over it", I will never be "over Eli" and I won't be surprised if tomorrow greets me with a different emotion but right now, I do have complete peace about Eli missing from this Earth. I don't believe that there is anything that I could have done differently to change the outcome. I have to give it to God and be faithful that there is a reason and even if I never understand it in this lifetime, I have complete peace about it. Today is beautiful and sunny. My heart isn't totally weighed down. I'm planning for things beyond the present day. It feels great!

The photo above is of ceramic heart keepsake that our hospital provided to us. It reminds me of Mt. St. Helens ash. It is supposed to signify that hole that is left in your heart when you lose a child all too soon, that a piece of your heart will always be with that child. True. However, I looked at this photograph today and it had a totally different meaning to me. Our plan was to put the smaller heart with Eli's ashes but I just haven't been able to do that. Today I looked at it and realized that to me, it doesn't signify the loss of something in my life anymore, it signifies the gift. Without that little heart, the picture would be incomplete.

John 14:27
"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.
Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

Thank you!