Acceptance...

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

~Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

This is, thankfully, where I'm at with things today. That tiny part of me keeps going back to the "Gee, I wish I knew what went wrong..." But I won't - and that's ok. What I find so great is that I can be ok with not knowing. Plus, knowing wouldn't fill my achy arms, it would probably just give me even more to query Dr. Google about and that's not a productive use of my time or talents.

It's all too often that I think we as humans try to answer those "who", "what", "when", "where" "why" and "how" questions for our worldly understanding. However, those questions are not important in eternity - it's only the answer that matters: God.

There is no way that I would trade the moments that we had with Eli to know for sure why he died, what caused it or how it could have been prevented. He decided when Eli would come in to our lives and He knew where we would be when He would take Eli home. God will watch over and keep me regardless of my knowledge about the matter.

I have said before, I made a conscious effort to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy. I have tried my best to remember every moment during and after delivery - even the haunting dreams, surgery prep and passing out - it was all part of the multi-dimensional experience. And I will embrace that forever.