4 Months...

It's been 4 months now since we said "goodbye" to our baby boy. It's very strange. It's been a roller coaster and it's been emotional. I've also had days where I've been completely devoid of any emotion it seemed. Yup, weird indeed. I didn't look forward to this day with dread. Actually, I didn't think much about it and that makes me really relieved. I've really been trying to let go a bit and let Eli be a happy memory and not dwell on the drama of his death. Drama that I created myself which was undoubtedly compounded my hormones. Many people probably don't think about it - why would they? The hormone crash from delivering a baby that isn't alive is very different than the hormone crash when your baby is alive. One, there's no endorphin release that naturally occurs with basic things like breastfeeding so it was pretty intense. Some people probably think I'm crazy for wanting to move on but there are others in the same position. In my opinion, it's all about choice. I've said it before and I will say it again... I can choose to be better or bitter and I really, really aspire to be better. What a double tragedy if I were to stay bitter about this for forever.

I was sitting in my yard swing this morning, drinking a cup of coffee, looking over the lower field and soaking up the morning sun. I was wondering how different that field is going to look in just a few short years and even though I sometimes have difficulty with change, I think it'll be really good. I hope it will be. I guess I have spoken quite a bit about this place and it may seem kind of strange to those who aren't aware of our situation. I'll go over the short version. My children are the 5th generation, on my mom's side, to live in this house and on this property. We have been here for almost 8 years caring for the house and the property, to a lesser extent. My grandfather passed away the summer before I started 6th grade. Grandma passed away 2 years ago. We, as an extended family, have been waiting on the county to see if (collective) we would be able to keep the property in the family - my parents and uncle and aunt - and use it for timber lands. We received official word today that "yes" we can so the fields are naturally going to reforest. THAT will be a huge change but exciting! So, that's the short version, hopefully with enough details removed to keep everyone happy.

One of my girlfriends, who is also dealing with some "stuff" as I guess most all of us are since we're "grown-ups", shared her realization (well, this was what I heard her say...) that we can't label things as "bad" or "good". God creates everything perfectly. He knows all our days. My earlier losses gave me the opportunity to have K and R. Had my grandmother not had a stillborn son, my mother may never have "been" and you know where that would leave me. From simple things like being able to take a vacation to bigger things like vehicles or houses to the biggest things like existing... every "bad" thing and every "good" thing impacts our lives in a perfect way. We view them as "bad" or "good" because of our limited knowledge of the present and zero knowledge of the future. So, on a big day for me, it was nice to have reaffirmation of some of the thoughts with which I've been wrestling.

Yes, I'm a late night blogger. :-) I used to write during nap time but I have found that I sleep better getting my, often scattered, thoughts down in black and white before tucking myself into bed. I've also found that finally, after 4 months, I'm finally able to fall asleep with the tv off. That may seem like a little thing... falling asleep without distraction... but for me, that's a pretty big step. I'm ok being with my thoughts, even if they don't make much sense at the time. I feel like I've lost my train of thought now... the downfall to being a late blogger!

I hope you all had a great first day of Summer!