What is Wrong with Me?

I'm kind of serious about that question. I have been so --- I don't know...

Checked out isn't the right term because I feel like I'm more present.
Tuned out isn't really right either because I'm paying more attention to the things around me.
Scattered could be the right term, but then again I'm accomplishing more than I have in quite a few months now.
Unemotional isn't right either because I can still get teary at the silliest things and I still get mad, annoyed and frustrated.
Disconnected... maybe disconnected is the right word but still it's not quite right.

Maybe there isn't a word for it this strange grief limbo land. I kind of feel like that little kid in The Incredibles when he's hanging out in the driveway, staring at Mr. Incredible and Mr. Incredible says "Well... what are you waiting for?" and the little boy says "I don't know. Something amazing!" Me too.
I just kind of feel like I'm waiting. Waiting to feel better? Waiting to feel worse? More? Less? Different? I don't know. I kind of feel like there should be some sort of circle that needs to be completed when dealing with this grief and not only does it feel incomplete, it feels like I'm not really even gaining any ground.

I find my mind drifting off to the "could have been's" still and that's ok though because I don't get totally sad or worked up or slammed into a depression about it. It just kind of triggers an "oh yah... that's not happening is it?" response and I move on. Of course now that we are thinking about the future again I also find myself trying to day dream about the possibilities for our family but when I do that, sometimes my moments of excitement are interrupted with feelings of guilt. Ack. Not fair. I want to be able to think about the future without total terror that it won't happen or that it will happen and then it'll be taken away from me again. *if you could see me right now, you'd see that I'm pouting a little bit* Don't worry, I'm not mad at God. I'm mad at myself for expecting something from a situation that cannot have any expectations.

I know I haven't written much lately but it's because of the above thoughts and the fact that I can't really nail any one significant thing down. I have read recently about mom's who just "know" that something is going to go wrong with their pregnancy. I kind of felt this way with Eli too. It's very difficult to explain but everything that I thought, everything that I did had the disclaimer of "if this really happens" or "if this works out". I think the few people that were kept in the loop about my purchases know exactly what I'm talking about. The infant insert that I purchased to use with the Ergo carrier was purchased off of Craigslist because "I want something gender neutral and plus, I'm not paying full price when I don't even know the future for sure." The excellent new Silver Cross stroller that I got for a steal... "and it's heavy duty enough that if things don't work out, Rylan can always use it or I can resell it on Craigslist". The diaper bag... "it's a mom accessory and plus, I can always use it for a gift for someone else if it ends up that way." Seriously, I justified every purchase with why it would be ok, even if the baby didn't "happen". I spent hours upon hours trying to really visualize what it would be like to have K & R at their respective ages with a newborn and it never really happened. I had the PLAN down but the emotion that usually goes with a plan that you believe in, wasn't there. It is strange. Oddly enough, when I couldn't find his heart beat that Sunday, it wasn't "no! no! no!" it was more like silent tears and "I knew it... figures." Sure I prayed my heart out for me to be wrong but I knew. It's strange but there's my confession. I think it was God's way of protecting my heart a bit. That doesn't mean that it didn't hurt and doesn't still hurt to this day. What it means is that He knew how much I could take and thankfully, he blessed me by putting a buffer on my heart.

I don't know how long I'm going to be hanging out here in "Limbo Land" but I guess I'll take the time to get some much needed sleep since I'm not super emotionally charged in one direction or another. I'll take the time to accomplish as many tasks around the house as possible (or that I feel like 'cause honey, that basement is your domain!) I'll take the time to just "be" with my kids. I'll try to enjoy every day even if it's full of fog and heavy mist. I will find something good from this but I guess this is just one of those really boring legs of the journey.

Until tomorrow...