Weird?

Is it strange that I'm really feeling good? Not ok, but good! Of course it's not a far stretch from Good to God and I'm thinking that's a great thing and much of the reason why I'm feeling so good. Perhaps I'm still on that "high" from 'stimulating the economy' this weekend and knowing that it was done with cash... just doing my patriotic duty after all - but I think it's more than that. I've felt an extreme amount of peace (even without understanding) over the last week or so. The dip that I expected last week wasn't nearly as deep and the highs are also getting higher. It feels really comfortable getting back to someone who is familiar to me.

I know that there are going to be times when I'm struck, out of the blue, by sadness and longing and missing Eli terribly, but it doesn't consume me every hour of every day anymore. It is such a relief to feel the peace. I sure do miss the "could have beens" but I'm also really trying my best to enjoy the "ares" and I think it's working out pretty well.

I really am thinking that the dream I had the other night was a huge release - my brain and God telling me "hey, it's ok to move on, to heal and get on with things". I have shifted from thinking that I'm doing a disservice to Eli's memory when I'm enjoying life and daily activities to realizing that I'm harming his memory by NOT enjoying myself. I have to believe that he would not want me to be upset and sad and moping around for the rest of my life.