Inferior

There's a thing with the internet... it can easily hurt more than it helps. I'm not talking "Ouch! I just broke a nail on my shift key!" I'm talking "Gee, she has it all together and I suck." I was talking with one of my friends about that and how it's really easy to feel sub-par or inferior in your parenting, house keeping, personal experiences, yard design, personality, faith - the list can go on and on and on. The thing is that very few people have blogs, post on their message boards or email their friends about the things that they are struggling with. Generally these things are set up to be places to log accomplishments. There in, lies the problem.

On the other side of it, when you do come across a place where someone voices their weaknesses, people on the outside may tend to think that the author just needs to "Get over it, already!" That's not necessarily the case. Just because I talk about missing my babies doesn't mean that I am blurry eyed and depressed as I make my morning cup of coffee. I don't rub my empty belly every time I walk past a mirror. It's not like that. This is my place to express my weaknesses and if this is the only place that you get information about how I'm really doing, it might be a bit skewed. That's ok though. I'm just asking that you don't judge someone or yourself with the limited "knowledge" that the internet provides.

I'm not sure what brought on that tangent tonight. I've been looking online at decorating stuff, gardening stuff, parenting, homeschooling activities... and of course I always manage to find the people who have it all together. But, they usually have it together in the one area that they choose to write about. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and I guess it's important to remember that very few genuine people are going to be able to discuss colors, politics, breastfeeding, crock pot cooking, home repairs, barn stars, menstrual cycles, finance... you get the idea.

I need to reevaluate and decide where my highest priorities lie. And THAT'S where I need to focus my attention and that's where I need to work on being an expert. I'm tired of being an "expert" in trying to conceive, grief and everything that goes along with it. I know how to quickly dry up my milk when I don't have a baby to feed. I know how to chart my temps and how to adjust my meds when my docs won't. I know which releases need to be signed before surgery. I know what's normal and what's not. I spend a lot of my time sharing this knowledge with others in this ever growing community of which no one wants to be a member. But, is that the best use of me? I want to be the best "me" that I can be. I'm trying to figure out who God wants me to be.

Totally unrelated but I do think that I need to make an appointment with a general/family doc. I know I was complaining about my wrist bugging me after surgery... I still have a lump, about the size of a pea, in my wrist. It has moved slightly. It started out just above where my wrist bends - I'm assuming from where the end of the IV was - and now it's about an inch and a half further down my arm. It's darkish and moves and hurts if I push on it... so I don't do that often. But, it's not normal. It's nearing 8 weeks now so it should certainly be healed. Any insights?