Healing. Dealing. Dreaming...

I figured I'd share a photo of what part of Eli's garden is looking like right now. I have spent quite a bit of time out there during the weather breaks over the last few days. Thinking. Working. Praying. I've rearranged some of the rock wall, added a couple of nice flat ones for the butterflies when they arrive, added a couple of annuals to brighten it up until everything else wakes back up and finished some weeding.

I am continuing to go through a valley where I'm really questioning God's plan for me. Not questioning that He knows what He is doing. Just His plan, as it pertains to me. That sounds self-centered doesn't it? People have chimed in and told me not to question or worry about what God's plan is. But after thinking about it, I think it's ok to question. I think that makes me more aware of what I'm going through, the things that I share here and the things that I don't. I think it will help me learn from my trials and hopefully allow me to open my heart even more.

As a parent I always try to make sure that I give the kids a run down of what they can expect. "Tomorrow we are going to get up early, have breakfast, and then we're going to run some errands... etc. etc." Oh how I wish my Heavenly Father would give me some heads up like that. But, that's not the way he works. We know there will be a beginning, an end and a wonderful eternal life but all that stuff in the middle is like him saying "you don't need to know all the errands, you just need to know that's what we're doing." *sigh* I'm emotionally exhausted but I'm trying my best to hand it all over to God.

I pray. I pray daily and many days mostly have a running dialogue with God if that makes sense? By the way, it's not always one-sided. But honestly at the very same time, I have trouble with prayer. I understand the need and the connection or constant thanksgiving but I'm not sure I believe that my prayers or someone elses prayers are really going to change the course of any given situation. That's one that I have just never been able to reconcile in my head. If He knew our days before we were formed... then He knew that I was going to (for example) have 7 pregnancy losses to date. So... my fervent, heaving, sobbing prayers for my doppler to be broken or there to be an error in my blood tests, or for it to just be harmless spotting... well, I don't know. I don't think that means that it's pointless to pray but I'm very conflicted about the whole concept and reality of prayer. I am not questioning God. I have faith that He still works miracles. I am questioning how we as human flesh have interpreted the word and have been taught. So, because God didn't answer my prayers the way I asked, then I didn't deserve that happy ending? No. I don't think that's the case but He knew that would be my prayer. I understand that there are miracles and answered prayers even if they are different than we can imagine. I also think about how flippantly someone says "you're in my prayers" and they don't really stop what they're doing and pray, they just say it because it's the "right" thing to do. I just want to understand it and frankly, it's tough not to get kind of jaded when I feel like prayer after prayer of mine gets stamped "denied" (and I'm not just talking about prayers where I include myself...). I can kind of start to see why people say "Why pray? God's going to do what He's going to do anyway..." I won't stop though. I still have too much hope that someday again I will receive an answer to my prayers. An answer where everyone will have to admit that was God's work.

Thanks for sticking with me through those rambling thoughts. And sincerely, thank you to those
of you who have prayed for us.