Surreal...

Today was the date of Eli's second due date. Second? Yes, I was "lucky" to be give three different due dates throughout my pregnancy with him. This first one was based off of my lmp which gave us a date of 7/29, which is also my parents anniversary. That one passed without the bat of an eye. The 29th came and went without me even noticing. So much so that I totally forgot to even call my parents for the first time that I can remember. It wasn't until I was signing the papers at the dealership that I realized that the date had passed without my knowledge. I was probably also consumed by the thoughts of the pregnancy I was enjoying. It's hard to put it in past tense. Today is the second due date which is based off of date of conception. It is also going to pass without fanfare of any sort. No balloon releases, no angel food cake, no additions to Eli's garden, no butterflies to release. Just emptiness and trying to keep my mind off of current events. The last due date that I have to get past is the 7th and that's the date the dr's office was using based on my early ultrasound.

Speaking of ultrasounds, I had one scheduled for next Monday to check out "this" pregnancy. I called this afternoon and asked if I could keep the appointment even though I've had spotting and moderate bleeding and I'm sure the news is not good. They called me back within 10 minutes to tell me that they want me to have an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. So, I go in at 4:30 for that. I am curious if there was some damage done during the emergency d&c that I had done after I delivered Eli. If I'm dealing with a bunch of scar tissue, I want to know that. They obviously want to know what's going on too since it seems like now, with the Clomid, I can get pregnant. I just can't stay pregnant past 5 1/2 weeks. And based on my blood test results, it wasn't a poor progesterone level.

Of course all those thoughts of self-doubt come flooding in and messing with my head about WHY I can't seem to have another baby. Yah, I know it's not healthy but it's happening anyway. I should know more tomorrow. Half of me wants to believe that there will be some sort of miracle when I go in tomorrow but I don't want to end up even more disappointed. The other half of me wants it all to just hurry up so we can get back in the game again but I want to make sure that we have a 100% green light before we do.