What am I Trying to Prove?

What am I trying to prove by posting something every day? I have absolutely. no. idea. I mean really, I don't feel a whole lot different than I did yesterday so why am I here, grasping for something to say. Is it because it's a challenge? Is it because it gives me a sense of control? Does doing so mean that I just keep dragging on and on about the fact that I have experienced a bummer of a loss? I don't know really. I know that in one of my very first entries, I stated that I was writing to help me deal with losing Eli and hopefully to make it a little bit easier. I think that I accomplished that goal. I feel like, most days, that I'm doing pretty well. It wouldn't matter if I missed a day or two or even *gasp* a week! Maybe part of it is that if I'm still here "dealing" with Eli, that I don't have to think about the fact that I've already lost another in this journey or that I am even ON another journey. Maybe I'm hoping that I can just go along, taking my meds, charting all the details that could make anyone blush and I won't have to think about the fact that yet again, I'm feeling a bit like that hamster trapped in the wheel.

Now, don't get me wrong... I don't feel the loss all the time. I have hours on end that I truly enjoy my life and my family and everything that I have been given but not a day goes by that I don't think about where my heart really wishes I was right now. But the fact is, I'm going to have to fight to get back to where I once was and fight even harder to bring a 3rd baby home. Um, yah. Why can't I just feel totally complete with Karleigh and Rylan? That would be easier wouldn't it, then I could just close the proverbial book on this whole baby making process and call it, close to, perfect.

I like to show the face of a mom who has healed, who is moving forward and has nothing but support for her friends. 99% of the time, that's true. Today falls into that other 1%.
One of my favorite people had her baby shower in town today, for her baby boy.
I didn't go.
I didn't even RSVP.
I suck.
People who don't RSVP are a huge pet peeve of mine, really... how hard is it to call and say "thanks but no thanks" for what ever reason.
I didn't do it - I couldn't. Actually, I probably could have but I didn't. I dropped the ball and I wasn't the friend that I should have been. She has lots and lots of friends and family so it's not like I ruined her shower, I'm sure of this. She actually visited Jim at work today and didn't even mention anything about seeing me at the shower. But it bugs me.

That certainly ended up going a different direction than I had planned but hey, that's kind of par for the course lately isn't it!?! I'm hoping to get a good bunch of sleep tonight and to greet tomorrow a little more bright eyed and bushy tailed and hopefully with a higher temp. Yah, it has the capability to consume so many of my thoughts.