Peace...

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10

Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear...

Isaiah 58:8

I don't know if it's because it is a new month... if it's because I'm healing... if it's because at least now I can move forward... but I'm feeling at peace with things today and actually, a little bit excited.

I have wondered for a while now, how I would feel when I turned the calender to July - the month that we were anticipating Eli's arrival. Sure he was officially due in August but we were looking towards July. We envisioned a live baby, kicking and screaming on a hot summer day and had even discussed coming home outfits for the heat and how the parking garage attached to the new hospital would provide much needed shade. Turns out, he arrived silently, on a dark February morning which turned into a beautiful, sunny clear February day... so different from what I was feeling.

I am allowing myself to move forward from both the loss of Eli and the newest loss. I was being cautiously optimistic this time around but it felt much like my first two losses... a later loss and then an early loss. I wouldn't ever minimize someone elses losses but, personally, my losses up to the 8 to 10 week mark are much different than those that fall past that first trimester mark... that time when everything is supposed to be OK. I will never look at ANY time in a pregnancy as being OK again. What will be, will be - and I will have to deal with what ever comes my way.

But today, today I will be a mom and wife, who needs to do some straightening of the house, mainly mopping while the kids are napping in hopes of avoiding wet foot prints on the floor and slippery crash and burns. I will look towards the future without fear and I will enjoy each of the gifts that I have been given both to enjoy here and the surprises that await me in Heaven.