Sunday, July 6, 2008

At a Loss...

Wow. I am just totally at a loss... I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not upset, I'm not thrilled. I just "am" and I'm ok with that. I had a slightly productive day and got the front and back steps scraped and repainted along with the trim around the doors. So, YAY me!

Truthfully things are ok but I am finding that I'm holding back a bit from the looking ahead towards things - probably from fear of letting myself down again but right now I'm at a list making phase. Lists help me feel in control another part of that is due to the fact that we are going to have house guests in a month -house guests who probably won't notice many of the things that we have done but will certainly comment on things that should or could be done. The other thing that bugs me is the "firsts". They're uncomfortable. I hate that first visit after a loss... the "you had a 'miscarriage', get over it" thing that is unspoken. Anyway, that's just my hangup. And hey, it'll be done and over with then right?!

And why is it that we care what other people think of us? I mean really. What someone else thinks truly should have zero impact on what I do and how I do it. But I still wonder. I wonder what people are thinking, what they are holding back from saying. I'm sure it's just insecurity but why? Humm, I guess maybe that's something that I can wok through.

at 10:09 PM

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hiya!
Ya know, yes you had a miscarriage, but "get over it", that is on YOUR time, not anyone elses, and who cares what those people think and say :-) I know what you are talking about, and I know how it will make you feel and I am sorry for that, but just remember that you haved worked hard and YOU know the house looks great, I know it looks great (honestly can't imagine it looking bad, you have great taste!!) so poo on who doesn't think so :-P hehe
Love you!

July 7, 2008 at 12:31 AM
Danielle_Osgood said...

I too have a very difficult time not allowing other people's opinion affect my mood and actions...Those who have never had a miscarriage are likely to not understand how much a significant impact such a tragedy can have on someone...I had a very early miscarriage a few years ago, and even though I was only 5 weeks along, it still took me quite some time to not allow it to bring me down. You have suffered a much greater loss...and you are entitled to heal and mourn for as long as YOU need. I am sorry for those around you who may silently or verbally imply that it is time you "moved on."

July 7, 2008 at 12:09 PM
Heather said...

List are great, i couldnt live with out them. Even if it is the same exact list from yesterday, i still write it all down again, lol!
As for guests, i think we all have some guest anxiety. We clean the house, we wear nice clothes, we cook fancy dinners. Loss or not everyone cares what other people think. My aunt who has cancer is visiting and it makes it tough. Do you talk about it, do you not talk about it? I just asked her and she is very open about it. Maybe thats an idea for you. The minute they walk in the door, address the issue right away. Anyways just an idea.. regardless GL!
-h

July 11, 2008 at 1:17 PM

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