Long Time, No See!

Phew! Talk about a long break from blogging! This last week has been full of me getting ready for company - my parents and my aunt and uncle. It really shouldn't stress me out, but it does. There's a need for everything to be "perfect", the house, the yard, the property, the meals, the attitudes of my kids... MY attitude. Sometimes there are things that are just out of your control and the things that you can control, people probably don't even notice.

So, that's what I've been up to this week - preparing for the company that is still here. We have gotten a bit of work done, old roads cut through, business decisions made, etc. etc. It's been nice to help pass the time and keep my mind of the most recent events that have gone on in my life.

As far as things are concerned, medically speaking, I'm not sure I updated, but my betas were back down below 5 last week. So, that was a quick process. This month I will not be given the Clomid to help things along but we did conceive Eli on our own, without any medical help, so there is some hope there. It feels very frustrating to lose a month or two every time this happens. But, it is what it is and I'm ok with that! Once all of our company leaves, we'll be able to relax and get back into a new routine for us which will include getting Karleigh up and ready for pre-school which will start on September 2nd. Considering that we have been a fairly unscheduled family, it'll be fun to get something new going on with us!

Finally...

Finally, we reached Eli's last due date today. He would have probably arrived before now but it does help make things all feel a little more final. I don't know if I WANT them to feel final but they are. Our last butterfly came out of his chrysalis today so when Jim got home from work we took them outside to release them in Eli's garden. Three of them were beyond ready to go and were gone in the blink of an eye. The fourth took a little more urging but once he felt the breeze he took off with ease as well. The fifth butterfly hung around. I don't think he had enough time to gain the strength to fly yet so we let him sit in the garden for a while and he tried to fly but couldn't make it too far so he crawled back on Jim's finger and we'll let him go tomorrow after he has gained more strength. I guess it was strange to watch life imitate... life. We had one butterfly for each of our losses, three took off quickly and two stayed around a bit longer. I don't know, there was something oddly comforting about it.


I've been trying to keep busy to keep my mind off this week however, this week was hard to ignore and even while trying to keep busy, I haven't been able to focus on anything productive really. I never could have imagined, 5 months ago, that instead of getting into the groove of having a newborn again I would have three more losses to my name. I really thought that after the first two losses and then two healthy kids, that my body finally had figured out "how to do it". I guess I was wrong.


I was hoping that tonight I'd be able to come up with something clever? Meaningful? Inspirational? But I really just feel like I'm rambling so instead of going on further I just want to say thanks to each and every one of you who have lifted me up through my loss of Eli and the two early miscarriages I've had since.

I'll just share a few photos of the butterflies this evening:

and two more from Karleigh's wildflower garden:

Circle of Life...

Last night, we received a little gift. As you recall it was one of Eli's due dates and around 10 pm the first butterfly broke free from its chrysalis. It was really cool to watch it spread it's wings even though it seemed a little dazed. I watched and watched the other 3 that looked as if they were on the verge of emerging but finally had to drag myself to bed. When Jim woke this morning, there were 4 butterflies flitting around. The 5th is still a few days behind. He's the same one that, as a caterpillar, kept eating and eating and eating and finally made his chrysalis a few days after the others. We have decided that on the 7th, we'll release at least the 4 that are out right now. We don't want to risk them dying while waiting on the slow poke.

The darker the chrysalis, the closer they are to emerging...

The underside of the Painted Ladies' wings are kind of a yellow color with blue accents...
With their wings open, they are a beautiful orange and black...

It was nice to have this bright spot in the day. My ultrasound and appointment today went just as I expected. Not as I had hoped, but as I expected. It didn't take long to discover that my uterus was empty, on the bright side, so are my tubes so the fear of an ectopic has mostly passed. I was told that it is still possible that there could have been something that didn't show but most likely, and I agree, we are in the clear. The ultrasound tech checked everything out and had nothing but compliments for my ovaries. Hey, at least they're pretty, even if they don't behave like they're supposed to... anyway. After my suspicions were confirmed, I met with yet again another Dr. in the practice. Dr. F was great to talk to and though I'm quite irritated (a bit) that he won't just order me up another round of Clomid for this month, he wants me to have a full panel of diagnostics drawn, if that's what I want. He commented that 5 losses is uncommon and unfair and too often things are overlooked when you may have just gotten really lucky to have two healthy children. He wants to make sure that my hCG betas are back below 5 before we order the clotting panels so they're as accurate as possible. He did mention that he couldn't stop me from trying on my own and sometimes that's just the way it works.

It was nice to have a doctor take an interest and admit that I should be receiving more answers than I'm getting. He also told me that he would be happy to take me on as a patient at any time which is really nice but it's hard for me to just walk away from Dr. B. I guess that's part of my loyalty issue and I need to put myself first on this one. So, that's where things stand. I know that there were a lot of people praying for a miracle. Just because this pregnancy has ended too, doesn't mean that I won't get that miracle.

Surreal...

Today was the date of Eli's second due date. Second? Yes, I was "lucky" to be give three different due dates throughout my pregnancy with him. This first one was based off of my lmp which gave us a date of 7/29, which is also my parents anniversary. That one passed without the bat of an eye. The 29th came and went without me even noticing. So much so that I totally forgot to even call my parents for the first time that I can remember. It wasn't until I was signing the papers at the dealership that I realized that the date had passed without my knowledge. I was probably also consumed by the thoughts of the pregnancy I was enjoying. It's hard to put it in past tense. Today is the second due date which is based off of date of conception. It is also going to pass without fanfare of any sort. No balloon releases, no angel food cake, no additions to Eli's garden, no butterflies to release. Just emptiness and trying to keep my mind off of current events. The last due date that I have to get past is the 7th and that's the date the dr's office was using based on my early ultrasound.

Speaking of ultrasounds, I had one scheduled for next Monday to check out "this" pregnancy. I called this afternoon and asked if I could keep the appointment even though I've had spotting and moderate bleeding and I'm sure the news is not good. They called me back within 10 minutes to tell me that they want me to have an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. So, I go in at 4:30 for that. I am curious if there was some damage done during the emergency d&c that I had done after I delivered Eli. If I'm dealing with a bunch of scar tissue, I want to know that. They obviously want to know what's going on too since it seems like now, with the Clomid, I can get pregnant. I just can't stay pregnant past 5 1/2 weeks. And based on my blood test results, it wasn't a poor progesterone level.

Of course all those thoughts of self-doubt come flooding in and messing with my head about WHY I can't seem to have another baby. Yah, I know it's not healthy but it's happening anyway. I should know more tomorrow. Half of me wants to believe that there will be some sort of miracle when I go in tomorrow but I don't want to end up even more disappointed. The other half of me wants it all to just hurry up so we can get back in the game again but I want to make sure that we have a 100% green light before we do.

Another One in the Loss Column...

"What?" you say.
That's right.
I didn't say anything here for fear of jinxing it but apparently that plan didn't work out so well for us. I got to enjoy my most recent pregnancy for eight whole uneventful days which included being thrilled with progesterone levels that were off the charts they were so good, as well as a solid hcg level. Yesterday morning I woke to some spotting and of course that freaked me out but it totally cleared up by the afternoon. I thought maybe it was from wrestling the huge car seats into the van and running up and down stairs doing laundry and cleaning house. That I had overworked myself. I felt so incredibly good and hopeful Friday night. At least I got to enjoy one day without all the worry and disappointment that I'm getting far too used to. This morning things seemed fine except for the fact that my temperature was a bit lower than it had been - I didn't temp the morning before because I figured that was just one more thing to worry about so I stopped only to find that I was spotting. This afternoon the spotting is heavier so it's just a matter of time. I really wasn't expecting to spend the week of Eli's due date dealing with yet another loss but I guess at this point I should know to expect anything. ...like the baby bird that is now stuck in the chimney of our stove. I guess we'll be taking that apart in a few minutes to save the birdy. If it's not one thing it's another right?

Someone Else's Life...

There are so many days when I feel like I'm living someone else's life. No one in particular but is this really *my* life? Obviously it is but there are days when it just feels very surreal. I look at pictures of me and sometimes I don't even recognise myself. I know, I must be sounding crazy and it's not all about the "bad" stuff. The good stuff often feels unreal to me too. I wonder why that is and when in the world that feeling is going to pass?

I certainly don't regret where I am, that's not what I mean at all but there are times when I sit back and think about how I got here. Like I said, not a bad thing... just one of those things that makes you go "hummmm...."

Back with something New!

Howdy! It felt good to take a little break from the self-induced pressure of posting every day but I'm back. Tuesday, I spent most of the day working on some design stuff. Wednesday Jim had the day off so we ran some typical errands - a trip to Lowe's, ran into the mall, swung past the car dealership and spent the next few hours there buying a new (to us) minivan. After reading Total Money Makeover I decided that even though we could afford a new vehicle, I wanted to get a previously owned vehicle where we weren't eating the majority of the depreciation. We spent about 9 months researching what we wanted for our family and we had it narrowed down to two choices. On a whim we drove them both yesterday and this one was the winner!

By going with a previously owned (lease return) Sienna XLE NAV, we were able to get all the options that we had only daydreamed about getting and a monthly payment that was lower than what we had budgeted. So, we're all on a new car high and having fun figuring out all the bells and whistles.

The caterpillars are all still in their chrysalises but if you look close enough, you can kind of make out the wings so in the next few days I bet we'll have butterflies! I'll be sure to share pictures just as soon as I have them!!!