Moving Forward...

It feels that I am moving forward... and not that one step forward two steps back movement, real forward movement. We got K all signed up for pre-school so, as a family, we'll be starting a whole new way of life come September 2nd. Not that it's a big change or anything but for the past 4 1/2 years, we've enjoyed a rather unscheduled life. Now she and Jim will be leaving the house around 8 am on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. We're thinking about plans beyond next week and are thinking about upcoming birthdays and holidays. It feels nice. We have not put our family plans on hold, we are doing what we can. For the most part that just means letting go and letting God. We know that God is in control but sometimes it's hard to sit back and wait. It shouldn't be, but I'm not perfect so it is. Thankfully, it does appear that the medication dosage that I took this month did what it needed to (which isn't a terrible surprise since it worked last month on the lower dosage, sort of). So, now I'm back to doing my least favorite thing - waiting. Hopefully this week will seem to go by pretty quickly. It's almost Tuesday, Jim has Wednesday off and I'm getting my hair cut again. I'm anticipating a much better day than the last time. The weather is looking promising for finishing up the few projects around the house that I want to get done and then my parents will be down this weekend. That should make the next week go quickly. Let's hope so!

5 Months...

Five months, Eli's been gone from my body. I miss him, for me, but I know he's in a perfect place. Today did not rock me like some of his other angelversaries have. We busied ourselves by getting lunch out, going through the car wash (a big excitement for the kids), going to mall, Costco, a home improvement store and the grocery store. It was a good day, all things considered. It was a little surreal doing school shopping for Karleigh but it was all good. I hope this is a glimpse of things to come. It was nice just being able to shop, look towards the future and not get totally sad about the "would have beens". I even saw a few brand new babies today and smiled instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of loss. I think that makes for a pretty decent day!

Saturday Short...

I don't have anything terribly exciting or enlightening to share so I'll share a couple pics that I snapped today. I was in the dining room today when Karleigh came yelling across the house "Mom, come here quick! I need you to tell me if this bird in the tree is a pigeon or an owl!" Is it sad that when we discovered that it was just a (nother) hawk, we were slightly disappointed?!

Just another one of the great things about where we live. I cropped it out of the pic so you could see the hawk better but there was also a little robin in the tree trying to puff himself up as big as possible... keeping up with the Jones'??? Do you think that happens? At any rate, enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Buggin' Out!

YAY! Our little butterfly larvae arrived today! It was a nice change to the formula and newborn diaper samples that are mercilessly filling our mail box nearly every day now. I was a little nervous as I opened the box, wondering what I would really find in there. However, there were 4 fat caterpillars that seemed very stunned but within just a few minutes, started crawling around. A fifth tiny one, that I was ready to write off as dead, finally started moving a bit after about 30 minutes and is now, happily keeping up with the rest of them.

According to the instructions, in the next 7 to 10 days they should form the chrysalis and then 7 to 10 days following that, they should emerge as Painted Lady butterflies. Even if they take the maximum amount of time to mature. They should be ready right at Eli's estimated due date. I think we'll help them grow a bit, so we won't release them on the date that we were given from his first sonogram. The kids, hey me too for that matter, are looking forward to feeding the butterflies and taking care of them for a little bit before we release them. Frankly, right now I'm just glad that they arrived for now, safe and sound. Maybe things are looking up!

Beautiful Chaos...

So, I guess it was Wednesday, we were watching the news and they had a teaser about Grief Addiction. I had planned to watch it since I'm still surprised at people who are say, 5 years out from a loss who are still living with it like it happened yesterday and I have mentioned my "concern" about whether my blogging is causing me to needlessly reveal thoughts or feelings causing me to dwell on things. Well, the kids were running through the house in opposite directions and crashed and burned into one another so I think in my consoling the mildly wounded (more in spirit than body) I missed it. I decided to Google it this evening and came upon the article in Science Daily. It doesn't fit me, *phew* I guess I'm not an addict! But I also came across this other article on a different site that I found refreshing. Refreshing because apparently, I'm doing what I can and what I SHOULD be doing to deal with this in the best way possible.

1. Learn to let go of things that remind you of the person or situation. Whenever someone is lost to us, or whenever we find ourselves in a situation of grief, we tend to hang on to things that remind us of what we have lost. This can be attributed to the human need for something to hang on to when all else is falling: it is the human need to hope for something when all the world seems hopeless.

If someone you love has died, you might want to keep a few mementos of his or her stay on earth. However, you will need to let these things go little by little. By letting that photo, dress, or figurine go, you are also letting the person go, and letting the grief dissipate. Think: would the person have wanted you to waste your life pining away for him or her?

2. Write a gratitude journal. By recognizing what things you can still be thankful for, you are also giving yourself a chance to see the rainbow through the rain clouds. Take any ordinary notebook or diary and make a commitment to write in it at the same time every day. List down five (or more) things that you are thankful for. They can be as simple as seeing a rose bloom, or great as getting a long vacation from work.

Make this a habit, until you learn to see the good things through the bad. A gratitude journal works wonders not only in allowing people to deal with heartbreak and grief. It can make all of us understand that there is more to life than misery and pain.

3. Blog about your experiences or write a diary. Writing about your grief is one sure way of letting go of the pain. Unreleased pain can turn your heart into a festering wound: without air and a salve, the wound can go deeper, and will never heal. By writing an online diary, you can also get people to see how you feel; if your blog has a commenting or reply feature, people can also take the time to comfort you and make you feel better.

4. Engage in as many hobbies as you can. By focusing on other things instead of your grief, you can find yourself healing faster.

5. Find a support group. Talk your problems out, and listen to people with the same grief and problems as you. As many psychiatrists will tell you, talking always helps, and a support group can help show you the way to a faster recovery.

6. Don’t go it alone. Do not refuse the help of your spouse, children, or friends as they try to comfort you. The more people there are around you, the fewer the chances you will have to concentrate on your grief.

7. Have a spiritual life. Engage in prayer, or enroll in yoga or meditation classes. There are many ways to feed your spirit. By having a spiritual life, you can find strength and support in divine and unseen forces an important thing to consider when your friends and relatives are not around to support you.

8. Stay away from vices and addictions! People in grief tend to turn to alcohol, drugs, and other vices to drown their sorrows away. Stay away from these! There’s so much more to life than empty addictions!

9. Don’t force the grief away. Keep a mindset that gradual is good. The faster you get out of your grief, the easier it comes back. By keeping this mindset, you can recover better.

10. Help others. Put up a foundation celebrating the goodness of your lost child or friend. Join a charitable organization. Work in outreach programs. If you open your heart to doing good, you can stay away from the debilitating effects of grief and put smiles on the faces of those who come in contact with your goodness.

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Now, on to something a little more fun... you may remember that two of my friends, Lauren and Tasha both sent me a packet of wildflower seeds, they didn't plan it, yet they arrived in my mail box the very same day. Anyway, Karleigh (with some help) decided to put them in a much neglected corner of the house - it was HER project. She weeded it, she planted them, she waters them and talks to them. Needless to say, they're doing quite well and I can't bring myself to thin them out yet.

Yes, it's a bit of a chaotic mess when you first look at it, we didn't exactly follow the directions...

If you look closely though, since they're just starting to bloom, you will see that they are actually quite alive and very interesting!

Less Word Wednesday...

The park... according to Karleigh! (a fun day and she's loving being allowed to use the 'real' camera)

Friends I Wish I Didn't Have...

She DOES have a head and even a cute face too but since I didn't ask her permission to plaster her face all over the Internet, you'll have to use your imagination (by the way... does it bug you that "Internet" is capitalized, according to the spell check, yet "heaven" is not? That seems very wrong on so many levels). Oh and no, I'm not magic... Karleigh took the pictures of the day. She did an outstanding job! I'll help your imagination a bit, S. has blue eyes and blond hair that is cut into a longer stacked bob. She is also one in a collection of friends that I wish I didn't have. That's because she too has lost a baby, her first in very similar fashion to my first loss. We met on one of our loss boards and since she's from the great state of Montana, we kind of hit it off right away. Not to mention the fact that she went to college in Tacoma. If she weren't 5 years my junior, you could have said that we were like ships passing in the night. Sadly, we had occasion to run into each other because of our losses.

It was great to meet her face to face. It was like seeing an old friend and of course we hugged when we saw one another. She's in town for vacation and a family wedding so I jumped on the opportunity to meet up with her this morning.

Starbucks, naturally!

We met near the PDX airport so Karleigh and Rylan were pretty entertained by MAX and the planes and the weather was beautiful. We were able to chit-chat, verbally, and it was wonderful. It was so nice to not feel like I was hiding something from someone. She already knew. I didn't have that internal urge to say "yah, well, I have a dead baby..." Not that I EVER actually say that to anyone but there's an undeniable urge to tell people. I'm sure it's just the fact that I want people to understand me and where I'm coming from. I don't want sympathy, everyone has their own crosses to bear, but I'm still trying to get to that point where it's not such a desperate desire to have people understand me fully.

At any rate, I feel very blessed to have women like S. in my life. I just wish that I didn't have to...