A Lot on My Mind

There's a lot on my mind or at least what feels like a lot for the little bit of mind that I have left.

I've been working my way through the book that I was given and, as I suspected, emotionally, it's not the easiest read. Of course you would think, "well, duh!" since it's about dealing with loss. I really appreciate being able to walk away from the book, think about something, come back to the book and read exactly what I had been pondering earlier in the day which I will admit, I fully believe it is God speaking right to me at the right time. This has happened over and over and mostly with concerns and thoughts and feelings that I haven't voiced very well, if at all. But I'm sure it's His way of reminding me that I'm not nearly as alone as I feel.

It's making me face some of my fears. I'm not giving away a big surprise when I say that the death of author's 6 year old daughter is what seems to be the catalyst for the book. She writes about recalling things that her daughter said and Karleigh has said some of the exact same things. I guess it's just stirring up some of the irrational fears that I've been battling. Fears which include very vivid thoughts of losing those closest to me. When Jim takes the kids to town, to give me some time alone or allow me to sleep in, I'll often just pace the house or lie in bed, frozen with worry until they return... safe and sound of course. It's so irrational and I know I shouldn't worry but I do. Turns out? it's normal.

Remember my "prayer vent" a while back? But I was wondering the other day, again, if God really answers prayer or if we just think He does because we happen to pray for what His will was already set to have happen. Again, I sat down to read for a few minutes and about a page and a half in the author basically made the same comment but followed it up with Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart". Of course, that doesn't mean that He will give me what my human flesh wants but it is promising me that if I commit my ways to the Lord in obedient faith, He will give me the very desires that I should have and then He will fulfill them for me. Yah, I had to think about that one and then wrap my head around it a little tighter. Right now, I just want to be happy... that childlike joy that doesn't hold so much worry and anxiety, the carefree belly laugh that can be brought on by something as simple as the promise of a popsicle.

With being an adult comes so much more... junk. I know that all of this "stuff" is also taking a tole on my physical health. I've been dealing with tiredness, muscle aches, weight that won't budge but that's probably because of the first two issues. I have pain and tenderness in places that I never even thought about before. The list goes on but I'm trying not to sound like a total hypochondriac. Jim has been excellent about picking up the slack around the house but wouldn't you know? even that sent me into a fit of worry this morning. Yah, I called him at work, asked him what was "really" on. Really? Yes. Really. He kind of laughed at me, told me that he knew I wasn't feeling well and that it was just as easy for him to wash up the dishes or do a load of laundry but that he would stop if I wanted him to. I was quick to decline that offer and told him Thank You but THEN I started to feel like a failure around the house... even though it's not messy I got worked up about the fact that he had to help me do my 'job' when he got home from his 'real job'. Yah, I'm working on that and actually laughing about it as I write now.

Of course I'm feeling guilty in other areas too which probably increased the earlier concern. Ess-e-x has pretty much always centered around trying to make babies around here. We've never prevented except for about 4 horrible months on Mirena (whole 'nother story!) Now? it won't be. That is a hard thing for me to embrace. Heck, at this point, I'm just trying to get used to the idea of not paying attention to everything to find that optimal window. Turns out, pregnancy is my most effective form of birth control. But at any rate, I need to change this frame of mind too but I'm afraid of my reaction when month after month goes by now without the hope of another baby. I suppose I'll get used to it. I need to spend some time in prayer about all of this.

This has been a good book for me to read. Even something as silly as me getting down on myself about thinking too much about our little anniversary trip this summer has been reevaluated after reading even just a small statement. I have been daydreaming and planning this little trip for a week now. Looking at pictures of prospective hiking trails and accommodations has replaced charting my temps, thinking about a new baby and chatting with others who are trying to conceive. Truth be told, nearly all of the women who I started this journey with, aren't even really around anymore. They've nearly all gone on to welcome their rainbow babies into their loving arms so they're busy with their new life. Either that or they are so close to bringing their new little ones home that they're tired and uncomfortable and trying to get all the loose ends tied up before they see their rainbow. Anyway, I was starting to feel nervous about daydreaming about our trip... like I've done so many times before about other things in life... I have grown afraid that if I think too many good things about it, it's just going to disappoint me and let me down. However, I came across a comment in the book today that basically said a big part of the fun of planning a trip is the dreaming of what it might be like and trying to grab a visual of it. Unfortunately, I've gotten kind of head shy about dreaming. I now tend to think of things in just about the most mediocre of terms so that I won't be let down and that I'll be happily surprised. I'm not pessimistic by nature so all of this is just foreign and very uncomfortable for me.

So... that's just the tip of the iceberg of some of the things that I've been wrestling with this last week or so. Over the next few days we're going to be working on taking in some heavy amounts of fresh air and sunshine (when it comes back on Saturday). I'm hoping that the change will help my mood a bit and then we'll see what I try to take on next.