300

I find it hard to believe that this is my 300th post since I started blogging last year.

Did I think that this is where I would be when I started?

Not a chance.

I, naively, thought that I would take some time, heal my body and my heart, try again and I thought for sure, by now... I would be blogging new baby pictures, talking about sleeping habits or lack there of, sore boobs and sibling rivalry. At the very least, I thought that I would be talking about a healthy pregnancy. But I'm not.

Even with my heightened sense of reality, there was still so much ignorance.

Instead, this morning, while the rest of the family slept, I showered, reluctantly downed 32 oz. of water at 7:30 am, and headed back to the OB's office for my very last diagnostic test. A 3D u/s of my uterus. Whoopie. To say I was not amused would be putting it mildly. A 3D u/s is "supposed" to be an exciting time when you get to see the chubby cheeks and button nose of your unborn child not your painfully empty (and 'normal') uterus.

I didn't really expect to see anything abnormal. I've had no fewer than 15 scans before this one but I figured I'd give it a shot. So I did. And 25 minutes later I walked back through the double doors to the world outside where it started to sink in that my life will likely go on without another child. Strangely enough, I am not physically broken but that also means I can't be fixed by modern medicine.

As we were running out the door to head to my parents house for Easter, Jim handed me the stack of mail. It had a package from a gal that I went to high school with. I quickly opened it and saw that it was a book, written by another mom who has certainly had more than her fair share of heartache. I've actually been reading her blog but have refrained from putting her button in my sidebars. Why? I don't know. I have her bookmarked on my computer but I will be adding her button when I finish this post. I've only just started the book and I know that it won't be an emotionally easy read but I do hope that it brings me some peace, a place where I can be ok and find joy in all of my trials. Did I mention that not only was it a book, but it was a book with a note to me *blush* from the author? Thank you for thinking of me Carol!

I know, O Lord, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.
Psalm 119:75

Speaking of Easter... I'm glad I took the time to snap a few pics of the kids on Friday. To say that it was a wet Easter would be putting it mildly. It rained 2.12 inches in Shelton. That's a lot of water! Needless to say, the egg hunt was in the house... again. Poor Rylan has yet to see a sunny Easter in his young life and Karleigh has seen one, her first, at 3 months old. Neither has ever had an Easter egg hunt outside. But, such is life in the Pacific Northwest. Someday. Someday they'll get a sunny Easter! It's nice to know that they are aware that it's not about the candy, the basket, or the eggs at all.

While we were up at my parents, we were able to discuss and start thinking about what we might want to do over the spring and summer for some adventures near home. I think that Jim and I might even get the chance to get away for our 10 year wedding anniversary this summer. It won't be too far or for too long but it should be nice. It shouldn't be that big of a deal but we have not been away over night without the kids except for the time we spent in the hospital delivering Eli. We've planned, but we've never followed through... that I can recall right now. I think my parents will be able to take on the kid care duty and then we may even trade off and let them vacation while we take on dog care duty.

So, yes, we are continuing to look forward... to look towards the future... and now I just need to wrap my brain around it all and allow my heart to embrace it.