Just Sad

There's really not much more to say about it.

I'm sad.

I'm sad that my babies have died. I'm sad that so many pregnancies have failed. I'm sad that I don't know why.

I'm sad.

I'm sad that I will probably never have another baby. I'm sad that pretty much all of my 'real life' friends have dropped off the face of the earth. I mean, they're still there but they can't be bothered to reach out to me. Fine. But I'm sad that they act as if I'm contagious. Who knows? Maybe I am.

I'm sad that the only thing it seems I have left to give is support to others who are going down a similar road. I'm sad that I think about it all. the. time. I'm sad that someone would say "well then, just stop." As in, just stop being sad. Just stop thinking about it. Get over it. It makes me sad that anyone would be so... clueless.

But I guess this is my life now and I need to make it the best life for me and for my family. I'm sad that I didn't embrace everything before last year when my life totally changed because now I'm tired. I'm sad that I don't have the energy what I used to. I mean, I make myself get up and do what needs to be done and can even do it well and with a smile on my face but it takes so much effort these days. My body, literally, hurts. So, I don't really know what's going on. Is there really something "more" going on? Is is basic depression? Is it hormones? or is it *gasp, cough, cough* that I'm just getting old!?

I captured a bunch of hummingbirds today but instead, for fear of boring you all, decided on a sap-sucker to share. Check out the damage the pair is doing to that tree!

Today was another beautiful day here. We spent most of the day outside just "being" which, as I've said before can be kind of a double-fold bummer for me since it gives me so much time to let my mind wander and it used to be something that was one of my favorite things to do here. Listening to the creek, the birds, the breeze, feeling the sun on my skin. Once upon a time, I couldn't ask for more. On the other hand, it does provide me with some "picture perfect" moments like these:

I don't even know... booger?

Wow. Just Wow. Stripes, plaid and polka dots all at once.

Nobody has ever accused her of being boring!

When I think about it, I think about myself as two totally different people. There's "mom" who does all the fun mom stuff, the not fun mom stuff and everything within my power to protect Karleigh and Rylan from the other me that is just under the surface. There's also the me who is fighting anxiety about everything these days. The me who fights back the tears when I think about where I thought I would be right now. Perhaps the whole, being a Gemini, thing works out well for me. I do NOT want to fail the family that I do have so I guess it is a blessing that I can isolate the person that I need to be at each moment, if that makes any sense.

I used to be a planner and a daydreamer. I still catch myself thinking about the future - about the future that I want but have started stopping myself because all it does now is... you guessed it, make me sad. I have been trying to make a very conscious effort to "see" life, down the road, happy with just the four of us. Some times it even works for a moment but then I become all too aware that it feels like I've been forced to, not even compromise, but just admit what feels like defeat. I've also been working on that mental list of why 2 kids is better for us than 3... unfortunately, it really only ever seems to come down to money. That doesn't seem the best reason to me but there has GOT to be more that I can't see.

Once upon a time, a year or so ago... which feels like an eternity... I felt like I had a pretty good grasp on things. I was very accepting that I didn't know why Eli died but there was hope and optimism for another baby, our rainbow baby. Of course I couldn't just blindly dive headfirst into the joy of thinking about that new baby but there was so much hope. I was excited and just knew that God had plans for our family to prosper. That optimism and hope is feeling very diluted now. Don't confuse that with hope and optimism in God... just the whole "new baby" thing and I'm hoping that the diluted optimism does not spill over into other parts of my life.