Happy on My Face

Even with everything that has gone on - test results that give me no answers, continued loss, still working through this process - dare I say I'm making strides and starting to feel a bit more normal. It's been such a process that I don't think I've actually been able to step back and notice it for myself until today.

When we went to the beach on Thursday, Karleigh asked if she could have my "old new camera" for the day. That's her way of asking for the camera that I was using up until December and believe it or not, I actually told her yes. She's quite careful with it and I figure the best way to learn is through doing and she's actually "doing" quite well. It's funny to hear her groan when the flash goes off and then watch her set it so it won't fire. She says she likes grain better than the flash. That's obviously not exactly the way she puts it but that's the point she was trying to get across as we were looking at them today. Fair enough, that's her style and I'm not going to ask her to change it :) Obviously I cropped and edited them a bit but you can't Photoshop in the emotion.

Anyway, on to my point finally. I looked through the pics that she took, most without me knowing and you know what? I look happy in them. Not the fake smile that I've been used to putting on but real smiles while buckling Rylan into his seat, when she called my name to get me to turn around and just chatting with Jim. It makes me so glad to know that this is the look that they are seeing again because this is the way that I want them to remember me.

Psalm 30:5

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Thursday, Beach Day!

As I've mentioned, several times... actually to the point of almost bragging... our weather has been wonderful. Not only was is sunny today, it was near 90 so we took off this morning and hit the beach instead of sweating it out here at the house. The kids had a blast and it was great to just sit around for several hours. If by sit around I mean we walked around, built sand castles and almost, literally, had to drag the kids out of the ocean then yah, we sat around. It was so great and a fairly uneventful day!

These kids have some crazy hops!

We decided to grab one quick family pic after we took the kids over the Astoria Megler bridge, which Karleigh was not too fond of. She's going through this weird afraid of heights and doubly afraid of heights if it's over water thing. We actually had to carry her down from the river viewing tower earlier in the day because she couldn't handle seeing the water below her through the metal stairs. However, back to the bridge... once we were across she admitted that it was a pretty great bridge and was fine as we went back to the Astoria side. Rylan's not looking his finest in this pic. He was very tired and said his tummy hurt. He was asleep in his car seat before I buckled myself in.

Not 45 minutes down the road I felt him kicking my seat and I turned around to look at him and saw... if you're a mom, the look. The look that makes you blurt out "Oh man, he's going to throw up." Jim pulled off the road instantly but it was too late. He threw up on himself and his seat. I don't like puke. In fact, I haaaaaate puke but on puke level of 1 to 10, I would say this was only a 2. He had had some Dr. Pepper when we were leaving Seaside and they never get bottled soda, fountain soda on occasion, but both of them complained about how carbonated it was. We're thinking that was the problem because after getting cleaned off and drinking some water he said he felt a lot better and looked it too. That was about it for excitement so, though I detest puke, it wasn't bad at all.

See? Back in town and all better!

Genetically Speaking...

Genetically speaking, I'm totally normal. Not only normal but the picture of health, the kind of person who should have the healthiest of healthy pregnancies.
So why have I lost eight?
We may never ever know.

I finally got the call yesterday evening that they Karyotyping results were back and the nurse let me know right away that they came back normal but that Dr. C still wanted to see me... "tomorrow" [which is now today]. So, I went in today at 2:30 and sat down with Dr. C in the same consult room where I bawled my eyes out when he gave me the results of Eli's last sonogram. I just kept reminding myself that today was a different day. He was really great going over the results of all the testing over the last year or so. Gosh, it really has been almost a year that we started this in depth testing. Anyway. I'm not even close to being borderline on anything. No lupus, no toxoplasmosis, no blood clotting disorders, no diabetes, no anemia, nothing.
Nothing is wrong with me that medical science can uncover.
Nothing is wrong with Jim's chromosomes either.
It was really quite cool to see the karyogram right there in front of me. I mean really, who ever gets to see right in black and white, copies of their chromosomes. Crazy cool! Maybe not $1500 cool, but cool none the less.

So, we are back again, at square one. Dr. C said he's really been looking over my file and he's beginning to wonder if we aren't just dealing with a bad reaction to the Clomid, bad "luck", and just an anomaly in Eli's case. He's now grasping at chalking up my early losses to poor endometrial lining thanks to Clomid side-effects. I've always known that to be a possible side-effect and one that really bites. What a catch 22 huh? Many months I don't ovulate without the Clomid but the Clomid makes a crummy, thin lining so that the "kid" is already having to battle from the very beginning and more times than not, ends up losing. Of course, that doesn't explain why Eli's heart stopped and doesn't explain my most recent miscarriage since those were both conceived without the Clomid but... it could be an answer to the slew of early losses even, apparently, including my first and Collin. There's no way to prove it though.

New action plan? Right now we are just going with flow. The "what will be will be" route without stressing about it all. Of course, who am I kidding? I've been focused on our family building for the last, almost, ten years. To just change that train of thought will be very, very difficult. Dr. C is looking to Rx Letrozole (Fermara) to me off-label. I have no problem with that. There are many, many drugs that are used off-label with great results. I've actually heard of it used as an infertility drug and I like that it doesn't have the same side-effect as Clomid... messing with the uterine lining. At this point though, I'm doing my research like he asked me to do and we're really thinking about what road we're going to take.

I have my answers, even if they are devoid of information and now my main mission is to focus on and be thankful for who and what I do have!

I Plan Things, Why?

So, I have this cute 3 year old... you might recall, this one right here.

And, you might recall that he had an appointment with Early Intervention and then a speech screening and that they basically said "close but you'll have to work with him at home." In light of that information, I planned to go ahead and have Karleigh start Kindergarten and then Rylan would stay home with me this coming school year and then we would have to find a preschool for the following year. The thought of another preschool search was a bit unnerving because I felt really good about Karleigh's preschool and then after several months, I discovered that it wasn't what she needed.

Back to what I was saying...

On Friday, Rylan and I had our appointment with the speech therapist and the school counselor to officially review his evaluation results and sign off on the findings. Turns out, silly planner, that he does qualify for speech therapy by one missed letter sound. Speech therapy qualifies him for the preschool program. I am, however, getting used to this new plan as it solves a few problems for me. I've been praying that finding the right preschool for him would be possible... not exactly the answer that I expected but I'm ready to embrace it. It should be interesting to see how the schedules work out but the school counselor did say that we should be able to get both Karleigh and Rylan on similar schedules. They won't ride the same bus, even if they are in school at the same time, although it's very possible that their classroom doors will only be 4 feet apart. Oh well!

This is just a big 'ol change in plans that I need to wrap my brain around. Had you asked me in January '08 what I thought my family was going to be doing and what it was going to look like in September '09 I think I would have sorrily missed reality... big time! I never would have guessed that "all" of my kids would be getting on a bus and going to school. Other than the little yuck in my tummy that I already had when thinking of sending just one off to school... not because I don't trust our public school because I really do, so far, I actually feel like this is probably the right thing for us.

Even though they are 21 months apart, they do seem to do everything together!

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Strange sighting for us... we were shopping yesterday at one of those cheap mega stores that I hate to admit to even shopping at but we decided to check there for life jackets and fishing poles for the kids and we saw another type of kid. No kidding... (how do you like that!?) we saw a woman in her truck with a goat on her lap.

A Goat!

Wearing a diaper!!!

I can't make this stuff up!

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My blogging has been slacking and the only thing I can blame is the beautiful weather! It's been incredible. Seriously, it's been more like July than May which is such a welcome change as it helps the attitude incredibly. It also helps bedtime around here. The kids are pretty much totally worn out by 6:30 or so that's been great! But, so am I.

Total Randomness

That's good for a Tuesday, right? I like total randomness and here are some random thoughts and stories from the last few days...

First, a pretty cute pic of Rylan in my parents back yard. Yah, I know. It could be ANYWHERE, but trust me, that's where I snapped it!

And one of Karleigh in our back yard, again, trust me. This was yesterday when she set up a "beach" with a blanket and an umbrella, coloring books and crayons.

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Please, people, I don't care what your size, age, or gender... a peach or nude or skin colored shirt is never a good choice. Ever. And I saw it at least 4 times this weekend. I guarantee, from even a mild distance, you will look naked and really? ewwww. Thanks for your cooperation!

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Our van? apparently has a complex. Seriously. I had the cruise control on this weekend and every time I started to get passed, I could feel it down-shift and speed up. No kidding. I do not think, however, that that's an excuse that would hold up in court. Luckily, I don't need to test it out.

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The kids and I headed to my parents house for the weekend. The weather was incredible, the water was so clear and though we had a thunderstorm blow through today, it's supposed to be like this again for the next few days!

The first evening, we took a walk around the Theler Wetlands which was pretty neat. Mom and I walked around. The kids ran around and avoided eye contact with me at every opportunity but that's ok. Not every picture has to have their cute faces in it.

After running up and down the boardwalk in the sun, we headed back into the tree canopy and Rylan was standing there watching a totally annoying crow. I looked up and right in front of us was this Barred Owl. The crow had been picking on the owl.

We watched "her", "she" watched us and it was just so neat. Right there, in the wild, closer than in any zoo. Rylan sat down to watch and as I looked over at him, quicker than any fast-draw champion, he reached down, ripped his croc right off his foot and threw it. Threw it! Into the yucky, mucky wetlands where the signs clearly state "stay on the paths and boardwalks". Nice. So of course, he laughed, Karleigh started crying "but those were so cute on him..." Truth is they're almost too small for him but really? I didn't feel like packing him around because he now only had one shoe. So, I looked around and finally spotted the bright blue shoe and there was no way to reach it and way too murky to break the rules. I decided on a stick as my tool of choice. I must say, the owl was quite interested in the whole process. And yes, I did finally rescue the beloved shoe but good grief! Such a boy and he's totally at that impulse stage which kept us on edge the whole weekend.

Karleigh half-way cooperated for a moment since we were out of the direct sun. She thought this big old log was pretty cool. (note the rescued blue croc at the bottom of the pic!)

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I was viewing this photo [below] when one of my friends emailed me the following verse:

The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7

That pretty much made me bust out laughing. Not sure it was the intention but it's nice to know that God does have a sense of humor too!

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We're getting more and more excited for our first long family vacation. Only about 3 1/2 weeks away, which also means that I'm going to have to get used to being a year older. The kids are really looking forward to all the hiking, the stocked trout pond, tennis courts, pools and everything else that our vacation to Glacier National Park is going to hold. Me too! Summer is certainly on its way. The news just hinted at temps in the 90's next week. I certainly was looking forward to something different this summer than what is going to happen instead but I insist that we enjoy these new opportunities that we've been given. Because He gives and He takes away... but He also GIVES... let's focus on that part.

Keep On Keeping On

It's been several days since I've blogged anything but that's mostly because it's been a quiet week around here. Rainy and cold... until today. I went back and re-read my post about Mother's Day and really, I didn't mean it to sound "poor me" because it's not poor me but like one of my friends said, it's just the wistful thoughts that can tie you up and bind you a bit.

On Wednesday Karleigh and I actually went out for a "girl day". We did some shopping, got coffee and hot chocolate and then dessert at the Cheesecake Factory. So yum! It was such a blessing to just get to spend some time, the two of us, and really watch her. For the record, I don't think I've ever seen someone enjoy anything as much as she enjoyed that dessert. Totally worth the drive and the traffic on the way home.

I've also been "keeping on" by continuing to look forward to our family trips that are coming up over the course of the next months. I'm really looking forward to doing things together, as a family, just for us. It may not be the way I pictured it but it will still be good. It will be so very good. It certainly is not something that we've done in the past so it will be a tiny bit outside our comfort zone to just pick up and take a vacation with no real plan. We have our destinations chosen and we're ready for the journey!

They Tried Their Best

I think my little family really did try their very best to give me a great Mother's Day and I blew it for myself. I tried to stay upbeat all day long but in the end I still ended up crying myself to sleep.

Is every Mother's Day going to be like this from now on?

I just could not keep my mind from going to "that place". That place where I wanted to be celebrating with three children this year. That place where I had instead embraced the joy of celebrating two living children and a pregnancy 2 months from delivery. Nope. Instead I celebrated Mother's Day with the facade of a "perfect little family" - that's what we look like from the outside - and the reality of a broken heart and ridiculous reminder of everything that has gone on. Yup, par for the course, my first period since my last miscarriage finally showed up while we were hiking in the gorge. I was prepared because, let's face it, I knew that if that's the way it could go... that's the way it would go. I hate that the formerly optimistic me has turned into such a pessimist.

At any rate, Jim took the kids to town, let them pick out flowers (they chose a dozen red roses and a dozen pink roses) and then brought them home with Starbuck's. They were so happy to bring me the flowers and coffee and I did my best to be excited with them. After the coffee was gone, I quickly realized that I was going to go nuts if I had to sit around so I told Jim that I wanted to go to the gorge and so he quick popped up to mow the lawn because taking care of our home takes precedence and the rain was supposed to roll in again yesterday evening. So, he mowed it all in record time. By the time I was done with my shower and drying my hair, he was ready for his shower. Impressive! So, we got ready and headed east. We grabbed Sonic for lunch and ate on the way. We made a few stops to take pictures (none of which I'm very happy with). We stopped at the park near the base of Beacon Rock and Rylan saw people climbing it so he decided he wanted to do that. So... we did. It is an incredible view and does make the crazy amount of vertical switch-backs worth it. He made it almost the whole way on his own but Jim ended up carrying him most of the way back down. Better than up, trust me, the last bit was tough for him so I lugged him. Karleigh was a rock star and did the whole thing up and back with very little complaint, a few comments about it being hard work but no real complaining. Of course about half way up she said "you know what? I forgot to tell you, I'm afraid of heights." Tough luck kiddo! She got over it and kept going on about how beautiful it was. I didn't mention that they are both crazy stuffed up and sick with colds which made it even more impressive. I spent my last Mother's Day home with sick kids so *luckily* they had their fevers earlier in the week this year.

After Beacon Rock, we crossed the Bridge of the Gods and headed into Oregon. We stopped at Multnomah Falls but the parking lot was insanely full so we quickly said "forget it" and popped back on the freeway and took a drive up to Vista House instead. The rain clouds were starting to roll in but we never did get rained on. We walked around the Vista House a bit and then headed down the scenic loop. We stopped at Latourell Falls and hiked around a bit. The kids loved when we went down to the bottom of the 249 foot falls and they got soaked by the spray. It was really relaxing and I'm glad we did it. By the time we had checked out a few places it was nearing 6 pm so we headed home for a quick dinner and poured the kids into bed.

It was a good day but I think it will probably take quite a while for me to slip into a Mother's Day where it all just feels great. There are always going to be parts of me missing and no matter how well behaved the kids are, how nice the weather is or how hot the coffee is, it's always going to be that way. However, I do not let the fact that I do have Karleigh and Rylan to share the day with, escape me. I'm so very blessed to have them but I do think that makes what I'm missing all the more clear.

Karleigh and Rylan at Latourell Falls and the base of the falls.

Karleigh taking a break on a park bench.

Vista House from the Washington side and inside the Vista House.

Outside the Vista House.

Looking east down the Columbia River. Beacon Rock way in the distance.

Beacon Rock from the park below, we did make it to the tip top!

Bonneville Dam in the distance, about 2/3 of the way up.