My friend, Liz posted a cute little haiku generator on her blog earlier today so I thought "why not!?" This? is why not...
It basically scans for syllables and then takes snippets from your posts and puts them together. *sigh* Good grief. Apparently there are still a "few" things that need to be worked through. I would like to go back to this in a few weeks and have it be some goofy toothless decorating and gardening haiku.
Which brings me to my crazy moment from this morning...
Rylan has his daddy's knack for getting up, bright eyed and bushy-tailed far before I'm ready. Since Jim goes into work earlier than normal on Saturday, Rylan often ends up in bed with me. This morning was no exception to the rule and I was still in a deep sleep, dreaming about what? I don't remember but I do, unfortunately remember waking up just enough to say "Lie back down, Collin..." What!? Where did that come from? I heard a little three-year-old "huh!?" I said, "Rylan, lie back down..." "ok mom". Man. That managed to set me sideways for the rest of the day. Makes me wonder what I was dreaming about...
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Too Many Shades of Gray
I obviously have too much time on my hands... or thoughts in my head. I've been analyzing and re-analyzing and looking for arguments against or for the stance that I have taken on the grief issue, that somehow got meshed in with the loss terms issue, that somehow came from somewhere else??? And even more fun? It's a debate that I'm having with myself.
While I stand by my blanket statement that a loss is a loss, it's really not that simple.
Grief is not black and white.
There are so many shades of gray that it can make your head spin trying to determine bottom from top. It's not something that can or should be argued and debated because grief is a very personal emotion.
It's an emotion that ebbs and flows.
It gives you a break some days and other days breaks you.
Sometimes stuffable and sometimes unstoppable.
It's such a contradictory emotion in and of itself.
I just can't look at one story vs. another and compare the two. Although I know many people do, especially women and dare I say it, there in lies much of the "problem". It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up when people try to down-play my losses (plural, very plural) because of a label they have given them. I would probably offend a full-term loss mom if I told her that I know how she feels, or a SIDS mom, or the mother of a teenager shot in a random act of violence. I don't know. But I also don't know how the mom who had a blighted ovum diagnosed at 8 weeks after IVF feels. It's not just about how long the child was with you, or how long you carried the baby, or how you birthed the baby whether by choice or not, or how many times you've had failed pregnancies or how long it took to get to the point of getting pregnant just to have the child die. The only person who can speak to the intensity of their loss is the person going through it. I think that just like people have different physical pain thresholds, they have different emotional pain thresholds.
Anyway, I had a much better grasp on what I was thinking while I was doing dishes earlier. Now, not so much. It sounded much more lucid in my head at the time. Maybe that means I should go finish them. Hum, maybe I'll look through the EOB's (explanation of benefits) that Jim just handed me, from my primary insurance company first... so far, $2,467.00 before insurance for surgery. Not bad. Even better? Double insurance.
As I was cruising the Internet this afternoon (not neglecting my children, they were napping) I came across this short excerpt from a book that speaks to the impact that loss, at any stage of pregnancy, has on a mother:
“A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t. Most don’t mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn’t happened, and so people imagine that a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she’ll know.”
-Barbara Kingsolver “Animal Dreams”
While I stand by my blanket statement that a loss is a loss, it's really not that simple.
Grief is not black and white.
There are so many shades of gray that it can make your head spin trying to determine bottom from top. It's not something that can or should be argued and debated because grief is a very personal emotion.
It's an emotion that ebbs and flows.
It gives you a break some days and other days breaks you.
Sometimes stuffable and sometimes unstoppable.
It's such a contradictory emotion in and of itself.
I just can't look at one story vs. another and compare the two. Although I know many people do, especially women and dare I say it, there in lies much of the "problem". It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up when people try to down-play my losses (plural, very plural) because of a label they have given them. I would probably offend a full-term loss mom if I told her that I know how she feels, or a SIDS mom, or the mother of a teenager shot in a random act of violence. I don't know. But I also don't know how the mom who had a blighted ovum diagnosed at 8 weeks after IVF feels. It's not just about how long the child was with you, or how long you carried the baby, or how you birthed the baby whether by choice or not, or how many times you've had failed pregnancies or how long it took to get to the point of getting pregnant just to have the child die. The only person who can speak to the intensity of their loss is the person going through it. I think that just like people have different physical pain thresholds, they have different emotional pain thresholds.
Anyway, I had a much better grasp on what I was thinking while I was doing dishes earlier. Now, not so much. It sounded much more lucid in my head at the time. Maybe that means I should go finish them. Hum, maybe I'll look through the EOB's (explanation of benefits) that Jim just handed me, from my primary insurance company first... so far, $2,467.00 before insurance for surgery. Not bad. Even better? Double insurance.
As I was cruising the Internet this afternoon (not neglecting my children, they were napping) I came across this short excerpt from a book that speaks to the impact that loss, at any stage of pregnancy, has on a mother:
“A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t. Most don’t mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn’t happened, and so people imagine that a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she’ll know.”
-Barbara Kingsolver “Animal Dreams”
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Random Thoughts
I have had such a flood of random thoughts over the last few days. Many, likely, increased by breathing in paint fumes for most of the day and the having a lot of time with my thoughts. But I will say, Karleigh's room looks so clean and calm with the new color on the walls. Anyway, I guess there's still a lot more healing that needs to happen on my part. I'm still feeling particularly edgy which really isn't all that fun at all. And scatterbrained. And the drive to finish something, anything, is taking over me. I know, just like last year, it's all about control.
_________________________________________
Every time I turn around these days, it seems like someone else is announcing a pregnancy, a new baby, or two... or eight. Really? Eight? at once. Now, please don't take that the wrong way. I do not begrudge anyone a happy, healthy pregnancy. I would like one sometime again. It just stings my heart to watch nearly everyone moving forward with their lives while I'm living this surreal Groundhog's Day scene where I can't move forward. I can't believe that I was so naive to think that I wouldn't lose another pregnancy after Eli, let alone four. My blog address came from the blind faith that I would be blessed with a rainbow baby. A living rainbow baby. In a moment of desperation the other night, I actually prayed that we not conceive again if we're not to have a third child. I know there's no bargaining with God. Believe me. I know.
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Did you know it's just about impossible to find anything, in a regular brick and mortar store, to remember your baby? I went to town the other day with the hopes of gathering together a few things and a memory box for Collin and I couldn't find anything that I liked. Are you actually supposed to "like" anything like that? I came out of the store feeling totally defeated. Of course, I had the kids with me so I'm sure that distracted me a bit but it was really hard to find anything. If it was the right style, it was the wrong size. If it was the right size, it was an odd style. I know that I can pull something together but I was kind of hoping to get a few things and then get it all put away so I don't have to see the hospital bracelets, pregnancy tests, and Clomid bottles in the bathroom. Or the sonogram photos, the pocket calender with all the info and dates and appointment cards on the desk. They all need a place.
_________________________________________
There's been some discussion in Deadbabymommaland about pregnancy loss terms. These terms have been like nails on a chalkboard to me, for years now. I don't even know why labels are necessary. A hole is a hole. Round, square, deep, shallow, doesn't matter it's still a hole.There have been discussions about how miscarriages are easier to handle than stillbirths. I have friends who have all sorts of different experiences and I don't want to offend anyone at all but come on! Really? It gets into a whole messy situation since emotions and feelings and belief systems are involved. It's not black and white like that. At x number of weeks, you don't all of a sudden get a step up on the intensity of loss or right to grieve. There are women who at 22 weeks who have chosen to surgically terminate a pregnancy (viable or not) and they "get" to use the term stillbirth yet they never actually gave birth to their child - never held him - never looked at him - never had to physically hand him back to a nurse who would take his body to a cooler until the autopsy was complete and the funeral home picked him up. Yet I? Have "just" had miscarriages even though 3 times out of 7 my body chose not to miscarry my babies. Interesting to think about yet totally pointless to debate.
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I make people uncomfortable. Ok, well, maybe not me but my dead babies, er, miscarriages, er, losses. Whatever. People avoid me and since they don't know what to say, they don't say anything. That part? sucks. Because what more does someone who already feels broken and alone need? How about some more alone-ness! However, I've always been one to focus more on quality than quantity so I need to just let it not bug me. But it's hard. As the wise-beyond-her-years Kaylee said "It's been my experience that grief is a very powerful experience that can either bond you or break you from the people in your life." Luckily, this has not been a breaking point for Jim and me. There are so many who walk this walk of extreme loss and I thank God every day that we are not one of those couples that has polarized during this time. Sadly I sometimes think, 'well, sure we're ok, because this is our normal'.
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Obviously, it's a Thursday. I always find it interesting how my body and brain know the dates even when I try to keep myself blissfully unaware. It's been three weeks since our lives changed again, forever and we really had to say goodbye to Collin. But tomorrow is a new day. I will get up. I will do laundry and clean and do dishes. I'll have a cup of coffee and pick Karleigh up from pre-school. I will take care of my kids. Unfortunately, I'll probably yell more than I should. Then I'll apologize more than necessary. I'm not perfect. I'm not super-mom. I'm human. God made me that way and I'm trying to do the best I can right now.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Under Construction...
Well, I certainly am, but so is my blog! So, please be patient with me over the next few days while I work at getting everything set up the way I want. I have set up a ghost blog just so I can play with the HTML to work on getting it right but then I realized that was not really the smartest thing since if I pasted it over to this, I'd lose everything here. Well, I see that while testing it out, I already managed to lose my blog lists. I'll eventually hunt everyone down again or call you out and ask you to put your blog address in my comments. Ahhh, yes, a template would have been SO much easier. Oh well!
Also, on the construction side of things, I painted Karleigh's ceiling this evening and painted a big swatch of the paint color on her walls. This is where I breathe a sign of relief... the girl. loves. pink. Her room is currently pink. Very pink. Picture bubble gum. When we are done, it will not be pink. It will be a light apple green. And? She's thrilled! She wanted me to do it ALL tonight so she could "feel like a little bug out in the yard!" Cute huh? Apparently she's forgotten that her yard is currently covered in snow.
So, that's about all I've got for tonight... and now you get a sneak peek at something from my new blog layout! (but there won't be a border around it!)
Also, on the construction side of things, I painted Karleigh's ceiling this evening and painted a big swatch of the paint color on her walls. This is where I breathe a sign of relief... the girl. loves. pink. Her room is currently pink. Very pink. Picture bubble gum. When we are done, it will not be pink. It will be a light apple green. And? She's thrilled! She wanted me to do it ALL tonight so she could "feel like a little bug out in the yard!" Cute huh? Apparently she's forgotten that her yard is currently covered in snow.
So, that's about all I've got for tonight... and now you get a sneak peek at something from my new blog layout! (but there won't be a border around it!)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Spreading the Love...
Eeep! I feel loved...
The award states: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."
Cute huh!? Considering I'm feeling particularly "friendless" (in real life, which I suppose could be a post of it's own) these days, this was a really nice award to receive from Holli. Holli was on my birth board with me when I was pregnant with Eli and she was pregnant with Brenna. Her step-daughter and I both have sons born in October of '05 and during a birthday exchange we were paired up with them so Rylan sent gifts to Holli's grandson. Small world huh? I have met life-long friends on-line in fact, I've even blogged about it before and it's great to know that I might have said some thing, any thing, that might have helped someone else.
There are others out there who have done the same for me, so my nominations are, in alphabetical order:
Angela... a sister who is always on my mind and she even posted a new entry today!!! She's a busy momma but not to busy to send me text messages to my inbox (goodness knows she's probably sitting in traffic at the time) that just say "I'm thinking of you!"
Brooke... my "sister" in Australia. We love each other exactly the way we are and she's one of those that I can always turn to late at night since she's up and running!
Kara... she has been a bit quiet on the blogging front but that's because she's trying to experience the true joy of expecting her rainbow baby and I couldn't be happier for her. She constantly checks in with me though and we seem to keep each other grounded in our faith.
Kaylee... she never fails to say just the right words at just the right time. I know that God brought her back into my life to help me through these times.
Lacey... you know I love you and seriously girl... you need to update your blog because I've seen your purse, and that's not the one you're using anymore! Thank you SO much for flying half-way across the globe, at the drop of a hat, to be with me.
Lauren... I know we are constantly in your prayers. Her sweet baby boy was born just weeks after Eli was due. I try not to count though and love his cuteness just for who he is without trying to see where Eli would be.
Liz... because without you and your input, I have no idea what I would have done after Eli's heart stopped.
Shannon... she's had a really rough year grieving the loss of her son, Tristan. Her blog holds raw emotion but even at her most vulnerable, she would find moments to ask how things are going or send me silly or sweet e-mails. I'm wishing that 2009 brings her everything that she could dream for!
I'm not going to run off to your blogs and tag you. If you're reading and you'd like to play along go ahead and snag the stuff at the top and have at it!
And my M to the north, I'd have nominated you too for your wonderful way of making me laugh? every. single. day. But, since you said you're not into blogging for the awards... pssst, go ahead snag it, you know you want to! hehe!
The award states: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."Cute huh!? Considering I'm feeling particularly "friendless" (in real life, which I suppose could be a post of it's own) these days, this was a really nice award to receive from Holli. Holli was on my birth board with me when I was pregnant with Eli and she was pregnant with Brenna. Her step-daughter and I both have sons born in October of '05 and during a birthday exchange we were paired up with them so Rylan sent gifts to Holli's grandson. Small world huh? I have met life-long friends on-line in fact, I've even blogged about it before and it's great to know that I might have said some thing, any thing, that might have helped someone else.
There are others out there who have done the same for me, so my nominations are, in alphabetical order:
Angela... a sister who is always on my mind and she even posted a new entry today!!! She's a busy momma but not to busy to send me text messages to my inbox (goodness knows she's probably sitting in traffic at the time) that just say "I'm thinking of you!"
Brooke... my "sister" in Australia. We love each other exactly the way we are and she's one of those that I can always turn to late at night since she's up and running!
Kara... she has been a bit quiet on the blogging front but that's because she's trying to experience the true joy of expecting her rainbow baby and I couldn't be happier for her. She constantly checks in with me though and we seem to keep each other grounded in our faith.
Kaylee... she never fails to say just the right words at just the right time. I know that God brought her back into my life to help me through these times.
Lacey... you know I love you and seriously girl... you need to update your blog because I've seen your purse, and that's not the one you're using anymore! Thank you SO much for flying half-way across the globe, at the drop of a hat, to be with me.
Lauren... I know we are constantly in your prayers. Her sweet baby boy was born just weeks after Eli was due. I try not to count though and love his cuteness just for who he is without trying to see where Eli would be.
Liz... because without you and your input, I have no idea what I would have done after Eli's heart stopped.
Shannon... she's had a really rough year grieving the loss of her son, Tristan. Her blog holds raw emotion but even at her most vulnerable, she would find moments to ask how things are going or send me silly or sweet e-mails. I'm wishing that 2009 brings her everything that she could dream for!
I'm not going to run off to your blogs and tag you. If you're reading and you'd like to play along go ahead and snag the stuff at the top and have at it!
And my M to the north, I'd have nominated you too for your wonderful way of making me laugh? every. single. day. But, since you said you're not into blogging for the awards... pssst, go ahead snag it, you know you want to! hehe!
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On to other things... snow! We had more of it today. The weather guys said "eh, it'll be a snowy commute but it will warm up by mid-morning." Apparently, they have a different definition of mid-morning than I do. When it came time to think about getting ready to pick Karleigh up from pre-school, the snow was still falling. Hard and fast. So, Jim went ahead and picked her up from school and took her to work with him. They went to Target to pick up some coloring stuff, that little fishing game - you know, the one with the fish that go chomp, chomp, chomp around in a circle?, they ate lunch together and he followed it up with a pink coffee for her. She drew pictures for the gals at the office and was highly offended when I showed up around 3:30. It was finally at that point that I was willing to attempt to get down the hill and into town. I'm very grateful that I didn't try any earlier than that since it was a very nerve wracking drive in. She had a blast today and it was great to have a few extra hours of "Rylan Time".
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Sunday Smile...
Here's the newest smile in our family...
I love the way he looks at her - he thinks she's just so cool!
So, Karleigh has, yet again, a new smile! This most recent one came out last night. I just keep reminding myself that she has a finite number of teeth in her head so we likely won't go bankrupt... I mean, the tooth fairy won't. So, she's now missing the bottom two and the top one. It's hard to get a pic of her bottom teeth and really, she doesn't look all that different from when she lost her top one. That one was a shock! Rylan on the other hand, when he starts losing his teeth, the bottom will be more obvious since when he smiles or just goes about daily life, you notice his bottom teeth where with Karleigh, you notice her top teeth - something I hadn't noticed until recently, or something I just haven't thought about I guess.
That's our new Sunday smile. It will hopefully be a while before any more fall out. The other top one is sort of wiggly but I'm not touching it and neither is she. It wasn't at all wiggly until she and Rylan crashed the day after Christmas. They bonked so hard that she was bleeding around that top tooth so I'm hoping that it will firm back up. I'm actually surprised that it's taken this long for those bottom two to fall out. When she was 2 1/2 she smacked them so hard during gymnastics class. She was running top speed across the spring floor, towards my mom, and she tripped. Normally, she would have gotten right back up but she was in just the right spot that she had almost made it to the end of the raised floor so her chin hit the cement floor while the rest of her body was still about 6 inches above her on the padded floor. I took her to the dentist the next day and they took x-rays, confirmed that there wasn't any major damage and just had me feed her fairly soft foods for the next few days while the gums healed up. I'm impressed that they hung on for another 2 1/2 years!
The only thing that I'm bummed out about is that I never did get her 5 year photo before the bottom teeth fell out. Of course, things have been less than calm around here this past month, so I give myself a pass, but this is the first time in several years that I haven't taken a birthday photo within a day or two of the birthday. On the other hand, it's not like when we were kids and there are only a few decent photos floating around from the times in-between the Sears portraits. I take tons of snapshots every month so I should be able to find something that will work!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Bring In 'Da Funk...
Ahhhh, and there it is.
The funk that I was fearing has arrived. It's more like uber-pms but we all know that I'm not and actually I don't much, thanks to my messed up hormones. I guess that's a blessing. But anyway, I digress as usual. The funk is here. It manifests itself in me being tired, grumpy and easily annoyed while lacking true motivation. The motivation is in my head but when it comes down to actually doing anything, I can't... or don't. Perhaps it's the change coming in the weather but I think I can place blame elsewhere and not just barometric pressure changes. Honestly, I think that I would feel even worse if this all just passed by without phasing me. I mean, who does that? And while I'm not really glad, per say, that I'm in a funk, I think I'd be really concerned if I wasn't.
I know that I need to just get up and keep busy and that will help but at the same time, I know I need to deal with the grief of losing Collin. He was our child. He was supposed to be our Rainbow Baby but for some unknown reason, again, he will not get to live a full life. No keeping us up at all hours of the night, no fighting with his siblings, no holidays, no teenage angst. Anyway, I'm also sure that part of my "issue" is that this was the week that I was really looking forward to. This was the week in my pregnancy with Collin that I was going to surpass my loss date with Eli - Jim's birthday would have been 16 weeks 3 days with Collin. We didn't make it. The best that I can hope for now is that I finally stop spotting by his birthday. It's been over two weeks. I'm more than bored with being reminded of it constantly. My heart already does that.
Also, the grief nesting has officially kicked in again. In an effort to gain some sort of control over things, after we lost Eli I re-did the living room, dining room, our guest room / office and the downstairs bathroom and then moved on to working in the yard for the rest of the summer. The "nesting" this time will have to be focused upstairs in the bedrooms. I've already picked up some things for Karleigh's "new" room and collected others from around the house. She's also helping pick colors, styles and talking about furniture arrangement even though options are very limited in their tiny 1920's bedrooms. It feels like I just painted her room when she moved in from the nursery but she moved right after she turned 18 months old so no surprise that things need to be freshened up after 3 1/2 years! Rylan will not be left out as I've picked up a few things for him and other things also around the place that I'm planning on using in his room. I still need to take down the remaining vintage airplane decorations and replace them with sports items. We have a couple of cool, old wood bats and gloves that have been around here for forever and baseballs from Jim's college days that I want to use, I just need to decide exactly how. But again, I digress. Shocking huh!?
Anyway, the grief is not as mild as I had hoped and that would explain why I've been a bit quiet. Since Lacey left yesterday morning, I've been trying to nap when the kids nap and when they're up I've been trying to stay off of the computer (resolutions, remember!) Jim actually scored two days off in a row and a third one later in the week so hopefully if I'm quiet in the coming days it's because I'm actually accomplishing something and not just thinking about it.
The funk that I was fearing has arrived. It's more like uber-pms but we all know that I'm not and actually I don't much, thanks to my messed up hormones. I guess that's a blessing. But anyway, I digress as usual. The funk is here. It manifests itself in me being tired, grumpy and easily annoyed while lacking true motivation. The motivation is in my head but when it comes down to actually doing anything, I can't... or don't. Perhaps it's the change coming in the weather but I think I can place blame elsewhere and not just barometric pressure changes. Honestly, I think that I would feel even worse if this all just passed by without phasing me. I mean, who does that? And while I'm not really glad, per say, that I'm in a funk, I think I'd be really concerned if I wasn't.
I know that I need to just get up and keep busy and that will help but at the same time, I know I need to deal with the grief of losing Collin. He was our child. He was supposed to be our Rainbow Baby but for some unknown reason, again, he will not get to live a full life. No keeping us up at all hours of the night, no fighting with his siblings, no holidays, no teenage angst. Anyway, I'm also sure that part of my "issue" is that this was the week that I was really looking forward to. This was the week in my pregnancy with Collin that I was going to surpass my loss date with Eli - Jim's birthday would have been 16 weeks 3 days with Collin. We didn't make it. The best that I can hope for now is that I finally stop spotting by his birthday. It's been over two weeks. I'm more than bored with being reminded of it constantly. My heart already does that.
Also, the grief nesting has officially kicked in again. In an effort to gain some sort of control over things, after we lost Eli I re-did the living room, dining room, our guest room / office and the downstairs bathroom and then moved on to working in the yard for the rest of the summer. The "nesting" this time will have to be focused upstairs in the bedrooms. I've already picked up some things for Karleigh's "new" room and collected others from around the house. She's also helping pick colors, styles and talking about furniture arrangement even though options are very limited in their tiny 1920's bedrooms. It feels like I just painted her room when she moved in from the nursery but she moved right after she turned 18 months old so no surprise that things need to be freshened up after 3 1/2 years! Rylan will not be left out as I've picked up a few things for him and other things also around the place that I'm planning on using in his room. I still need to take down the remaining vintage airplane decorations and replace them with sports items. We have a couple of cool, old wood bats and gloves that have been around here for forever and baseballs from Jim's college days that I want to use, I just need to decide exactly how. But again, I digress. Shocking huh!?
Anyway, the grief is not as mild as I had hoped and that would explain why I've been a bit quiet. Since Lacey left yesterday morning, I've been trying to nap when the kids nap and when they're up I've been trying to stay off of the computer (resolutions, remember!) Jim actually scored two days off in a row and a third one later in the week so hopefully if I'm quiet in the coming days it's because I'm actually accomplishing something and not just thinking about it.
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