Mindless Monday...

I've been sitting here for a bit, trying to decide what I felt like saying and I finally came up with a whole lotta nothin'! I actually take that to be a good thing. I do know that I am looking towards moving forward and that feels really nice. It's great to be able to choose how I'm going to look at things each and every day. A week ago I sure wouldn't have guessed that I'd be re-reassessing my attitude towards things.

We spent most of the day outside today which was fun. The weather was much more pleasant than it has been over the last couple days, in the upper 80's but super hazy from the California fires. The haze actually kept the sun from feeling super intense. The kids got a new pool yesterday and they love it! We were out there three different times and I even drained and moved the pool once today. I had to drain it because R thought it would be fun to dump both glasses of milk, from lunch, into the pool the moment I turned around. Gotta love two and a half year olds! Really, you do!

Stormy Sunday Short...

It was a strange day today. Hot. Sunny. Cloudy. Humid. Lightning. Rainy... and this evening, very windy. It was still around 75 degrees this evening, the wind was blowing hard and the clouds above us were a deep violet grey color with a hot orange and pink on the horizon to the west. It was one of those surreal evenings. Even though, when I looked around, I couldn't help but notice how stormy it was, at the same time it was oddly peaceful. It felt very parallel to what these last few days have been. I'm sure there's a bright light on the horizon for me but right now I need to stand against this wind.

But for Just a Moment...

Look what visited us this morning in Eli's Garden!

For a few short days we realized that it was possible for us to get pregnant again. I realized that, although I had come to terms with the possibility of us being a family of four here on Earth and I was OK with "only" having two, my heart longs for three. It won't kill me if I don't have three, but I would really like it. For a moment, I realized that regardless of whether I have fear or not, God's hand controls His plan. I have realized, how does the saying go? ..."the only thing I have to fear is fear itself"...


I'm realizing that this was more than a chemical pregnancy though it's just a label, the end result is the same. Physically, it's nothing that a couple of Advil every few hours can't help control. I have realized that, yes, I was terrified of losing yet another pregnancy... this makes 4, but it's not going to totally derail me. Does that mean that I can handle another later term loss? Not sure. OK, I am sure that I would handle it, I wouldn't have a choice, but I don't know that I would want to keep going through that over and over again. The hardest part of losing Eli was the combination of the hormone crash and trying to explain it to Karleigh and Rylan. Watching them work through their own emotions which often has involved "dead babies" really bites. We don't hide the fact that Eli died but we also don't discuss it ad nauseam either. It's a part of our life that IS, but is not necessary to dwell upon.

It may seem, since I write every day, that he's all we talk about. That's not the case. In fact, most all of the discussion (quite one sided I must add) occurs right here at my finger tips. I find that during my quiet times during the day, that I try to wrangle up my thoughts so that I can get them a little bit under control to put down in black and white. This writing is so much different than if you were to ask me to compose a paper. I promise that a paper would flow much better, have proper punctuation, proper tenses and so on and so on. This is certainly not my best "work" but it's not supposed to be. It's merely my thoughts as they come spewing from my little scrambled brain, a brain that is a little more scrambled than it was yesterday morning.



I know that God's timing is perfect and His plan is perfect. I cannot pin down a reason for why I've been given the "opportunity" to go through and deal with all of this but it's all part of His plan.

Quickly Here and Quickly Gone...

There's a yucky name for it - chemical pregnancy and a definition - what I apparently get to add to my list of "been there, done thats". So, *small sigh* onward and forward I suppose. Kind of extra crummy since Jim is out of town today and tonight. On the upside that sort of pricey prescription that we picked up a couple weeks ago will get put to some use after all. I'm not being flippant about it but for whatever reason I'm just kind of numb. I'm sure the reason is self preservation but it is what it is. I went into this with far more awareness of the realities of all the possibilities and I am just one of the "lucky" ones who get to try this over and over again I guess.

It's a bummer being a realist trapped in the head of an optimist. I always want to think the best, to be bright and cheery (to the point of annoyance for many people I'm sure) but the fact of the matter is I have to be a realist too and those two things don't always mesh so well.

So there's the news that nobody probably wanted to hear. I'm just glad to know now instead of waiting another week and getting used to the idea just to have it fall apart at the appointment the is/was scheduled for the 3rd.

I've received a couple emails about "how far" I am/was. I woke up this morning and was 5 and a half weeks, the bleeding started this afternoon. I suppose there's always a chance that it will stop, only God knows and it's totally in His hands. I am totally at peace with whatever the outcome ends up being. You can still be at peace with something even if you're disappointed right???

Thankful Thursday...

I'm still digging the Thankful Thursdays and there are so many things that I am thankful for... here is just a sampling:

• my God..
• not having to buy any more pull-ups for R...
• beautiful weather...
• the smell of fresh mowed fields...
• listening to my kids play together...
• the ability to connect with people all over the world...
• moving on does not mean forgetting...
• science can be proved wrong...
• watching wildlife in our yard...
• washable furniture covers...
• good friends...

I know, probably a silly list and like I said, it's just a sampling of the things that I am thankful for! I hope you have a Thankful Thursday too...

Oh yah, I'm also really, really thankful for the fact that it appears that God has given us the opportunity to try this parenting thing once again. Only He knows how long we will get to nurture this new blessing but I will take every single day that I am given. I hesitated to put this part in since it is so early however, this will be a big part of my healing process and to ignore dealing with and facing the myriad of emotions would only be cheating myself.

...one tiny thing... since this is our information to share, please understand my request that you do a happy dance for us ;-) but please refrain from sending congratulations to our extended family. This bloggy world is one of the places where I feel safe working through the emotions that I'm encountering and knowing that I have to be very careful about editing my thoughts would make that more difficult. Thanks!

Thank you for all of your prayers for KayCee and Genny. Genny had a stroke and has no brain activity. They are bringing the kids in to hold her and then removing life support.

Please continue to hold this family in your prayers as they go through this most difficult of times.

Prayers for Genny - She's Here!

An update to yesterday's post, again in KayCee's own words. I know many of you who read this already know but there are others who don't. Let's keep praying for this beautiful little girl.

my water broke shortly after i posted. it was a lot of fluid, but mostly blood. we were rushed to the or, where genny was born just 10 minutes later. complete placental abruption and wrapped tightly in her cord. they have no idea how long it had been since the placenta separated, but she is not breathing on her own. however, she is much bigger than they thought she would be!
i will try to update often, as you ladies have given me more support than my own family, and i don't know where i'd be without you.
keep praying ladies, it's a long road ahead.

genesis rebekah (last name removed by me)

6-23-08 (26wks)

10:43pm

1lb 8oz - 12.5" long

Afternoon update, please keep up the prayers:

Thank you ALL! I am having Sean print out each post and attach it to Genny's isolete.
I have been sleeping since I first posted this morning...They took Genny away to a bigger hospital so they could better care for her. I will not see her again (outside of pictures Sean sends) until they let me out of here, which I am trying hard to negotiate for tomorrow. They want me to stay until Fri/Sat because of the abruption and blood loss. I made Sean promise to stay with Genny, no matter what.
Because my cycle was so irregular, there is still no definate answer as to how far along I was, but because she's so big they want to treat her as a 28-29wkr, which would've put my EDD in Sept, not Oct.
She is still not breathing on her own and she is unresponsive to stimuli. I was told her APGARs were 0, 2 and 4. She has not opened her eyes and has already 'crashed' once. They are currently giving her only a 30% chance. But I have more faith than that and I know my Oct ladies do, too.
Right now my cell phone updates, gospel music, and BBC are keeping my sanity in check, so keep checking for updates. I can only hope that I get to see my baby soon.
Keep praying, ladies!