They Tried Their Best

I think my little family really did try their very best to give me a great Mother's Day and I blew it for myself. I tried to stay upbeat all day long but in the end I still ended up crying myself to sleep.

Is every Mother's Day going to be like this from now on?

I just could not keep my mind from going to "that place". That place where I wanted to be celebrating with three children this year. That place where I had instead embraced the joy of celebrating two living children and a pregnancy 2 months from delivery. Nope. Instead I celebrated Mother's Day with the facade of a "perfect little family" - that's what we look like from the outside - and the reality of a broken heart and ridiculous reminder of everything that has gone on. Yup, par for the course, my first period since my last miscarriage finally showed up while we were hiking in the gorge. I was prepared because, let's face it, I knew that if that's the way it could go... that's the way it would go. I hate that the formerly optimistic me has turned into such a pessimist.

At any rate, Jim took the kids to town, let them pick out flowers (they chose a dozen red roses and a dozen pink roses) and then brought them home with Starbuck's. They were so happy to bring me the flowers and coffee and I did my best to be excited with them. After the coffee was gone, I quickly realized that I was going to go nuts if I had to sit around so I told Jim that I wanted to go to the gorge and so he quick popped up to mow the lawn because taking care of our home takes precedence and the rain was supposed to roll in again yesterday evening. So, he mowed it all in record time. By the time I was done with my shower and drying my hair, he was ready for his shower. Impressive! So, we got ready and headed east. We grabbed Sonic for lunch and ate on the way. We made a few stops to take pictures (none of which I'm very happy with). We stopped at the park near the base of Beacon Rock and Rylan saw people climbing it so he decided he wanted to do that. So... we did. It is an incredible view and does make the crazy amount of vertical switch-backs worth it. He made it almost the whole way on his own but Jim ended up carrying him most of the way back down. Better than up, trust me, the last bit was tough for him so I lugged him. Karleigh was a rock star and did the whole thing up and back with very little complaint, a few comments about it being hard work but no real complaining. Of course about half way up she said "you know what? I forgot to tell you, I'm afraid of heights." Tough luck kiddo! She got over it and kept going on about how beautiful it was. I didn't mention that they are both crazy stuffed up and sick with colds which made it even more impressive. I spent my last Mother's Day home with sick kids so *luckily* they had their fevers earlier in the week this year.

After Beacon Rock, we crossed the Bridge of the Gods and headed into Oregon. We stopped at Multnomah Falls but the parking lot was insanely full so we quickly said "forget it" and popped back on the freeway and took a drive up to Vista House instead. The rain clouds were starting to roll in but we never did get rained on. We walked around the Vista House a bit and then headed down the scenic loop. We stopped at Latourell Falls and hiked around a bit. The kids loved when we went down to the bottom of the 249 foot falls and they got soaked by the spray. It was really relaxing and I'm glad we did it. By the time we had checked out a few places it was nearing 6 pm so we headed home for a quick dinner and poured the kids into bed.

It was a good day but I think it will probably take quite a while for me to slip into a Mother's Day where it all just feels great. There are always going to be parts of me missing and no matter how well behaved the kids are, how nice the weather is or how hot the coffee is, it's always going to be that way. However, I do not let the fact that I do have Karleigh and Rylan to share the day with, escape me. I'm so very blessed to have them but I do think that makes what I'm missing all the more clear.

Karleigh and Rylan at Latourell Falls and the base of the falls.

Karleigh taking a break on a park bench.

Vista House from the Washington side and inside the Vista House.

Outside the Vista House.

Looking east down the Columbia River. Beacon Rock way in the distance.

Beacon Rock from the park below, we did make it to the tip top!

Bonneville Dam in the distance, about 2/3 of the way up.

You Can't Always Believe Your Eyes

I would normally post a Wordless Wednesday for today but frankly, I don't really have any photos to share without a story. The weather lately has felt more like March than May. It's hard to believe it's 2009, May, or even Wednesday for that matter. This whole year is just going by so fast for me. For example, this picture of my sister-in-law and better yet, friend and me, is from January. I like it because you know what? the smile is real. No one else looking at it would know that I was still bleeding from losing Collin. Sure my face is a bit rounded out from 14 weeks of pregnancy but someone looking at me, probably wouldn't notice because you can't always believe your eyes.

That's the thing... you never know what someone is going through or has gone through by judging from the outside.
The grumpy old man.
Did his last friend, his dog, just get hit by a car?
The clueless lady standing in the middle of the grocery store aisle while you try to squeeze past her.
Did she just receive a breast cancer diagnosis?
The lady who was our waitress today, who said she didn't have any kids menus even though I saw them stacked up on the hostess station, who brought me raspberry tea instead of regular iced tea (who I asked "is this raspberry tea?" and was met with the answer "I don't know, what did you order?" "iced tea" "well, what do you have there?" "I'm not sure, what did you put in my glass, it just tastes like raspberry tea, that's all." Ugh.), who told me they didn't have any turkey for the sandwich I ordered, who brought my lunch in a spinach tortilla instead of the tomato that I requested after having to change my order, who didn't ring our coupon the first time.
Anyway, I actually hope she was just a really, really bad waitress nothing more, nothing less. But, you never know, you can't always believe your eyes.

After our late lunch/very early dinner we took the kids to see Monsters vs Aliens. It was a toss-up between that and Earth but they both wanted to see MvA so we went. We also grabbed our entertainment book before leaving the house and saved ourselves a whopping $14 on the tickets because, little did we know, it was a 3D showing of the movie! It was a cute movie and it was even cuter to watch the kids keep reaching out toward the screen and flinching when things "flew" towards them. Plus, they were the real glasses, not the flimsy plastic ones. So, we'll also be partaking in Up! in several weeks... coupon in hand. :) I did have to keep reminding Karleigh that she didn't need to flinch, there weren't things really coming out of the screen. She kept saying "But my eyes are telling me there ARE!" You just can't always believe your eyes.

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I also wanted to address a couple of comments that were left anonymously so I can't email my answers/thoughts to you. I totally agree with the addition the the "20 Things..." post. The addition of "Please don't tell me to be thankful for the children that I have. I am. I'm also grieving the children that I've lost and my living children don't make those holes go away." This one is so very true and is said by so many well meaning people but that was one thing that I hated to hear. I can't imagine saying to someone "I'm sorry your mom died, just be thankful for your dad." Um, right. That doesn't make the pain or the grief go away. It's such an odd comment to make when you think about it.

The other comment was asking about how I go on. Honestly? Some days, many days, I don't know. I can function again which feels great but there are things that are never going to be the same. Or at least it still feels like that to me. I have things that I have to do so I do them. I'm blessed with an insanely supportive husband which is such a Godsend because frankly, there are some issues that I know some guys couldn't handle. I see it over and over again in my on-line support groups. But the bottom line is that my faith is the reason that I function the way I do. I have been tested quite a bit in where I stand with my faith over the last couple of years and I do believe that part of those earlier tests set me up to be able to handle these more recent events. Thanks to someone who totally turned on me and started downright attacking my beliefs and belittling me for believing in God, I became more grounded in them and so when things really started feeling out of control 14 months ago I was at least in a grounded position to dirty my knees instead of starting out face down in the mud. I look forward to the day when my whole family is reunited. And if I'm wrong??? How bad would that really be? I've thought about that a lot over the last few months when I see people in a similar position say things like "I know I'm on God's shitlist..." yah, he doesn't have one of those. Or "It sucks because I'll never get to know that baby." Well, I believe that I will, it's just going to be a while.

It was really great to read my daily e-votional from yesterday I guess it was, because it said nearly the exact same thing that I think about all the time. Since it was a relatively short one, I'm just going to copy most of it over here.

Last week I was sitting with my granddaughter in a coffee shop. We were near a table where three men were cynically discussing religion. I think their comments were intended for my ears since I had witnessed to them about the Lord.

Professing to be wise, they were systematically tearing down churches, Christians, the Bible, repentance and justification by faith. These so-called wise men rested their eternal destiny on their good deeds or imagined intellect.

I have thought long and hard since hearing their conversation and have come to a few conclusions: What if they are right? What if the Bible is wrong and the necessity of repentance is wrong?

Here are my observations: I have never known a cynical person who is a happy or contented person. As a matter of fact they are the most miserable people I have ever met. They search for something to satisfy their inner longing but never are able to find it.

As I consider my own life and the life of other Christians, I see a vivid contrast. There is joy and contentment that the cynics can never experience. Even if there is no heaven to gain we have a joy that the world can never know. When faced with tragedy or pain we have the comfort that only God can give.

But what if these cynics are wrong? (I am convinced they are!) The tragic reality is that there is much more than the temporal feelings of this world at stake. There is eternity stretching out before us. The cynics will come face to face with the Judge of the universe who will pass eternal judgment against their failure to accept His wonderful offer of salvation.

Psalm 14:1-2
"The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.' They are corrupt, their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good. The LORD looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God."

So, yah, I could be wrong but I don't think I am. And frankly, even if I AM wrong and I have enjoyed this life with all its ups and downs to a greater extent and found far more peace than those who have no faith or belief in God... isn't that a whole lot of what God is right there?

Anyway, wow, that was a really, really, really long winded way of saying that my faith and my family are what keep me going. If I had to go this alone, I don't know what it would be like. And yah, even with all of that, I still have days that are harder than others. I do still get really focused on projects or hobby's or list making, studying, researching to try to keep my mind from wandering to the "would have beens" and instead, try to focus on the positive "what ares".

Lazy Days

There's something strangely comforting about the abnormal lately.

I know.

That sounds strange. But we've moved back into a very normal, calm, almost boring life this last week. I've been feeling more like the old me, the "before" me and feeling ok about just doing the normal things and enjoying it. Grocery shopping on a Saturday, family day on Wednesday after Rylan's evaluation, spur of the moment tossed the kids in the van on Friday and took them out to the lake... all stuff that the "old" me wouldn't have thought twice about doing.

Baby steps.

The new me got a little nervous about the lake trip since we were going to be 'hiking' trails that I hadn't been on before so I did make sure to have my cell charged and called Jim and work to let him know where we were going. The old me would have just gone and then gotten a lecture reminder from my parents and husband about not being a little more careful. I grew up in that environment where you didn't feel like you needed to be careful though. Smart, yes but not overly careful. We walked all over the place, rode our bikes where we wanted, spent hours at the beach... all stuff that almost makes me break out in hives just thinking about it now with my kids. I'm sure there's a happy medium that I will find when they're old enough though.

Anyway, it's been good.

We've been planning our summer vacations and day trips which has also been a nice change. Not waiting on all the "what if's" has been a real emotional... relief. Looking forward to something with excitement instead of fear and trepidation has been great! Did I think that I would be in a much different place. Sure. It makes my stomach churn a bit when I see those who started this journey at the same time as I did, or even after I did, happily get pregnant again, welcome their rainbow babies and close that chapter of their lives. Does it stink to have people around me get pregnant and then complain about not knowing what they're going to do? Yup. And yes, there are still many days when I feel like I'm playing a never ending game of Chutes and Ladders and my poor little self is the last one with a piece on the board. But, it is what it is. Maybe I should adjust my thinking to that of the story of The Tortoise and The Hare. :)

In an effort to keep the woe is me to a minimum, because my life really is blessed, :) here are a couple quick pics of the kids from the last few days.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday, Wildlife Edition

Wildlife refuge again. Cheap, dry entertainment on an unpredictable, refusing to nap day!

We saw three raccoons today but this was the only shot that I got of them.

Hum, do you suppose this is the next large family that TLC is going to follow around with their camera crews?

Such well behaved little goslings, and no yelling from the parents... just saying!

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Oh, let's pretend it's not Wednesday anymore... I took Rylan to finish up his speech evaluation today and it looks like we'll be doing some home therapy but none at school at this point. Turns out he took longer to evaluate because she had to find a "ceiling" where he missed so many questions in a row before the real eval could start and he, at three, kept going into the 7 year old range?!?!? for the cognition portions. She was mostly concerned about his tongue being a little "lazy" but more so his raspy voice. Those of you on FB might have seen his video and read the comments about his deep voice. Apparently that's not a 'cool' thing so we are really having to work on resting his voice. Inside voice almost all the time but we're not to "take away the joy of screaming like a maniac outside" :) I had never really been aware of it because he's such an emotional, animated kid when he's talking. But yah, he speaks loud and with a lot of energy. The speech therapist is gathering up a home packet for us and we go back in May to see if the month of being very aware of his volume has improved his actual voice at all. She was full of compliments for my parenting - which is always nice to receive - and said that she would work with him if "you weren't who you are". I just kind of looked at her and she explained that she had total faith in me being capable of working with Rylan at home and that I would do the "tasks" with him daily.

She's right, I will.

She also pointed out that we (Jim and I) have a very skewed view of what is 'normal' for a 3 or 4 year old since Karleigh was our first.

Oh come on!

Compliments for my parenting and for my older kid! (truth be told, I think Karleigh's smart and witty but still average... in a good way of course) Anyway, he scored right at the top of average for 3 years 11 months and he's 3 years 6 months so we wait a little bit more and work on what we are supposed to. It is SO nice to have an outside opinion though because, already, Rylan notices when he's talking too loud and will say "oh yah, Teacher Mary said inside voice" just to remind himself. Fingers crossed and prayers said that we don't need to do anything major in the future with his "large tonsils" or vocal cords.

Going back to my last post... I just enjoy photography. I also enjoy photoshop. No, I've never taken a class in either and yes, I usually shoot in manual (remember, I like control) :) But part of the reason that I enjoy it is because I often see things that I don't expect. Like the other night, I noticed the moon looked really cool, just the brightest sliver so I set my tripod up in the office window and took a couple pics. It wasn't until I loaded them onto my computer that I realized that you could also see Pleiades - no, I didn't know that's what it was called, I had to look it up. And Mercury (the orange spot right near the tree) just happened to be in the highest, brightest spot for the year this night. (again... who knew!?!) BUT, without photography albeit very amateur, I never would have noticed nor known those things. I think it has become a very grounding and eye opening hobby. I look at everything through different eyes now.

One of my besties was pondering "fate" the other day and I took some time to think about it. Some people think that there's a "Secret" and you can, by simply thinking happy, positive thoughts make all your dreams come true. True love, money, babies, new shoes, new house... the list has no limits and it involves emotional, physical and tangible desires.

Excuse me while I change my pants because I just peed them from laughing so hard.

Not only do I think that's totally untrue I think it's totally ignorant. (Remember, my blog = my opinions) Did we end up with, for example, credit card balances because I desired that? No. We ended up with credit card balances because we purchased things. We also paid them off by paying them, not just thinking that the balances would magically diminish. Did I have a different thought process for my pregnancies with Karleigh and Rylan than I did with all of the others? No way! Did I cause my pregnancies to end because I spent so much time trying to push the negative thoughts aside instead of only thinking positive thoughts? Again, no. In fact, I spent a lot of time worrying about both of them. Karleigh was a pregnancy after 2 losses and Rylan had a positive AFP screen so I was concerned or should I say, more aware about Down Syndrome. Concerned is not the accurate word. He would have been loved just the same. It did not come to fruition as it "should" have if there was any truth to the above belief system. And aside from that, not a moment passed where I even considered that Eli would die, but he did.

No, I don't think there's any secret to it other than how I react to the fate

or destiny

or direction

or path that is individual to me.

To worry about my fate or try to change it is silly and something that I try not to be bothered with. I have faith that God has set me on whatever path I'm on for a reason. I don't know what the future holds for me but to try to change it or go against God's will for me... in the end? is really only cheating myself. God does not set out to harm us but depending on how I choose to react I could harm myself. Make sense?

Speaking of the way that God works, our family was given a wonderful opportunity for this summer. One of my friends... you know, the kind that lives no where near me... gifted our family with a week of vacation through their time share. I know! Unreal right!?! I don't know if you remember but another of my New Year's resolutions was for our family to take a vacation for vacations sake. Not to visit family, or go to a wedding, or a funeral, or obligatory visit. Just a vacation with the four of us alone but together. So we are! Mid-June we will be spending almost 10 days traveling to, from and experiencing the areas around Glacier National Park. Yes, in Montana and yes, I may succumb to my desire to see Jim's cousin/family in Missoula. After all it will be time for my hair to be revived, it'll be her and the kids' "cousin's" birthday, and she has a great tattoo artist - eeek, another thought for another time. BUT, that would be totally ball in our court kid of thing. I'm so excited and so very thankful. It was really the push that I needed to follow through and do something a little more outside my norm.

Speaking of that though, Jim has asked me to think about where I want to stay and eat in Spokane for my birthday... any suggestions from my eastern Washington readers??? I just kind of got that ooky feeling knowing that last time I drove those roads I was pregnant with Collin and hadn't ever been so happy as I was to have Panda Express on the way west again.

This is, however, the appropriate place for me to say congrats to my friend Kara who gave birth to her Rainbow Baby boy earlier today! I'm so sincerely happy for her family. He's as cute as can be and yes, I resisted grabbing his photo and posting it here or divulging the name that I know of... it's always changing! until she posts an official announcement! Congratulations Kara!

Bits and Pieces

I've had lots of short thoughts that I haven't been able to really work into a coherent post so I'm just going to give a few snippets of things that I've been thinking and I'll bet ya' that they end up being totally unrelated!

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Since there were questions about it, the camera that I use most of the time now is a Canon XSi which is a DSLR. However, all of the photos that I took from mid-December '08 and earlier are from my Canon PowerShot A630 which is a fairly basic point and shoot. It's pretty easy to click back through the archive and take a look.

Never underestimate the power of a photo editing program. Even a flashy snapshot from my ancient Sony Cyber-shot can be improved a bit.

But more so, don't underestimate understanding the basics of photography and continually learning... if that's what you want to do.

But most important, don't miss making the memory because you're so caught up trying to get the "perfect" shot. Even without any editing, this photo brings back many memories for me :)

We make cute babies if I do say so myself! Look at that orange nose. The girl loved her carrots and sweet potatoes!

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I have made the comment a bit too frequently that I don't have a lot of friends in real life left.

The reality?

That's an ignorant comment to make and probably hurts my friends who have continued to be there with me. My friends don't have to sit on my couch with a cup of coffee to be "real". But some of them do.

Some of them rearrange their schedules just to make sure that if I need them, they can be there for me.

Some of them allow me to be a "normal" person and don't always have to talk about my heartbreak but will offer thoughts when they have them.

Some friends bless me with tangible items and some bless me with the invaluable, intangible support.

And some of them? just happen to live all over the world. That doesn't mean that they are any less "real" than those who live in the same area code. It's just part of the technology driven world that we live in now.

So, in case you were feeling sorry for my lacking friendships, don't. I'm learning quickly to redefine what friendship is and means. I also really need to learn how to say "thank you" for that kind of support.

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I'm sitting here watching Karleigh roll and unroll her knee-highs while she watches PBS. I used to do that all. the. time. when I wore knee-highs!

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I feel, physically, a ton better than I have in quite a while. That is a huge answer to prayer. I'll let you in a "little" secret... exercise really is necessary. This past week, I have slept better and more sound than I have in over five years. Incredible!

Jim and I also have a little bet going on that will help me with one of my New Year's resolutions. I'm an incredibly competitive person (or at least I used to be) so this ought to be interesting since I'm pretty sure that he's totally going to win. That won't stop me from trying though!

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Speaking of resolutions, we just got a huge step closer to being free from all revolving debt. I had the satisfaction of paying one of our two credit cards in full this morning. Woohoo! Feels great! Of course there's still another one but we'll snowball that and it'll be gone fairly soon too. And thanks to Jim who works his tail off so that I can stay home and to my parents for the win-win living situation.

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I'm continuing to have fun daydreaming and planning for this summer. There is another really cool thing that may possibly happen this summer but I'll wait to share that for a while, but it's nothing short of God working in our lives. No, it's not a baby, I've been more than honest about all that stuff.

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Speaking of the "baby stuff". I haven't called to get my official results from the tests that were run while I was in the middle of this post. I left Dr.C a message and the front desk let me know that he'd been out of the office for a while so that's fine. My part is done now. I don't expect any revealing information but it will be one more 'event' that should help with the dealing process.

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Events. We've had a couple big ones in our family this week and this building had a lot to do with them.

On Monday we got Karleigh all registered for kindergarten. She's so excited and we're STILL trying to figure out if it will be morning or afternoon kindy for her. The gal setting everything up said pm kindy but that it's almost an hour bus ride each way. When I looked it up at home, there appears to also be a morning route and she'd be on the bus for about 30 minutes each way so I guess we wait to see in August. Reality is, I won't wait until August and I'll call in a week or so to double check after registration for everyone is complete. I can see pros to either way, I just want to let her know what to expect.

On Thursday we returned to school for Rylan's more in-depth speech evaluation. I just have to say that so far, I love the people at our school. They worked with him for an hour (giving him breaks from time to time) and we're going back on Wednesday morning with the hopes of finishing up and finding out if he qualifies for some therapy. I'm so glad that I followed my "mommy instincts" and called. On the other hand it annoys me that so many pediatricians don't really care and just say "oh, he's fine" clearly he's not all that fine. He did pass his hearing test which is great! I wasn't worried about his hearing... listening maybe but not hearing. :) Here's a peek inside Karleigh's journal that she took with her while his hearing was being tested:

He does seem to be giving the ST a run for her money though while she tries to figure out where the delay is. He has some of the sounds some of the time but then at other times he doesn't. For instance he can say giraffe with no problem but fish = witz. I guess he's his own kind of special!

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And to conclude... Dr. C's office just called back. They don't have the karyotyping back yet, which doesn't surprise me, but everything else has returned "normal"... just as I figured. They expect the last test results back some time next week so I'll know a little more then. I hope you were able to follow that rambling!

Happy Friday!

Wordless Wednesday from Woodburn