A Lot on My Mind

There's a lot on my mind or at least what feels like a lot for the little bit of mind that I have left.

I've been working my way through the book that I was given and, as I suspected, emotionally, it's not the easiest read. Of course you would think, "well, duh!" since it's about dealing with loss. I really appreciate being able to walk away from the book, think about something, come back to the book and read exactly what I had been pondering earlier in the day which I will admit, I fully believe it is God speaking right to me at the right time. This has happened over and over and mostly with concerns and thoughts and feelings that I haven't voiced very well, if at all. But I'm sure it's His way of reminding me that I'm not nearly as alone as I feel.

It's making me face some of my fears. I'm not giving away a big surprise when I say that the death of author's 6 year old daughter is what seems to be the catalyst for the book. She writes about recalling things that her daughter said and Karleigh has said some of the exact same things. I guess it's just stirring up some of the irrational fears that I've been battling. Fears which include very vivid thoughts of losing those closest to me. When Jim takes the kids to town, to give me some time alone or allow me to sleep in, I'll often just pace the house or lie in bed, frozen with worry until they return... safe and sound of course. It's so irrational and I know I shouldn't worry but I do. Turns out? it's normal.

Remember my "prayer vent" a while back? But I was wondering the other day, again, if God really answers prayer or if we just think He does because we happen to pray for what His will was already set to have happen. Again, I sat down to read for a few minutes and about a page and a half in the author basically made the same comment but followed it up with Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart". Of course, that doesn't mean that He will give me what my human flesh wants but it is promising me that if I commit my ways to the Lord in obedient faith, He will give me the very desires that I should have and then He will fulfill them for me. Yah, I had to think about that one and then wrap my head around it a little tighter. Right now, I just want to be happy... that childlike joy that doesn't hold so much worry and anxiety, the carefree belly laugh that can be brought on by something as simple as the promise of a popsicle.

With being an adult comes so much more... junk. I know that all of this "stuff" is also taking a tole on my physical health. I've been dealing with tiredness, muscle aches, weight that won't budge but that's probably because of the first two issues. I have pain and tenderness in places that I never even thought about before. The list goes on but I'm trying not to sound like a total hypochondriac. Jim has been excellent about picking up the slack around the house but wouldn't you know? even that sent me into a fit of worry this morning. Yah, I called him at work, asked him what was "really" on. Really? Yes. Really. He kind of laughed at me, told me that he knew I wasn't feeling well and that it was just as easy for him to wash up the dishes or do a load of laundry but that he would stop if I wanted him to. I was quick to decline that offer and told him Thank You but THEN I started to feel like a failure around the house... even though it's not messy I got worked up about the fact that he had to help me do my 'job' when he got home from his 'real job'. Yah, I'm working on that and actually laughing about it as I write now.

Of course I'm feeling guilty in other areas too which probably increased the earlier concern. Ess-e-x has pretty much always centered around trying to make babies around here. We've never prevented except for about 4 horrible months on Mirena (whole 'nother story!) Now? it won't be. That is a hard thing for me to embrace. Heck, at this point, I'm just trying to get used to the idea of not paying attention to everything to find that optimal window. Turns out, pregnancy is my most effective form of birth control. But at any rate, I need to change this frame of mind too but I'm afraid of my reaction when month after month goes by now without the hope of another baby. I suppose I'll get used to it. I need to spend some time in prayer about all of this.

This has been a good book for me to read. Even something as silly as me getting down on myself about thinking too much about our little anniversary trip this summer has been reevaluated after reading even just a small statement. I have been daydreaming and planning this little trip for a week now. Looking at pictures of prospective hiking trails and accommodations has replaced charting my temps, thinking about a new baby and chatting with others who are trying to conceive. Truth be told, nearly all of the women who I started this journey with, aren't even really around anymore. They've nearly all gone on to welcome their rainbow babies into their loving arms so they're busy with their new life. Either that or they are so close to bringing their new little ones home that they're tired and uncomfortable and trying to get all the loose ends tied up before they see their rainbow. Anyway, I was starting to feel nervous about daydreaming about our trip... like I've done so many times before about other things in life... I have grown afraid that if I think too many good things about it, it's just going to disappoint me and let me down. However, I came across a comment in the book today that basically said a big part of the fun of planning a trip is the dreaming of what it might be like and trying to grab a visual of it. Unfortunately, I've gotten kind of head shy about dreaming. I now tend to think of things in just about the most mediocre of terms so that I won't be let down and that I'll be happily surprised. I'm not pessimistic by nature so all of this is just foreign and very uncomfortable for me.

So... that's just the tip of the iceberg of some of the things that I've been wrestling with this last week or so. Over the next few days we're going to be working on taking in some heavy amounts of fresh air and sunshine (when it comes back on Saturday). I'm hoping that the change will help my mood a bit and then we'll see what I try to take on next.

300

I find it hard to believe that this is my 300th post since I started blogging last year.

Did I think that this is where I would be when I started?

Not a chance.

I, naively, thought that I would take some time, heal my body and my heart, try again and I thought for sure, by now... I would be blogging new baby pictures, talking about sleeping habits or lack there of, sore boobs and sibling rivalry. At the very least, I thought that I would be talking about a healthy pregnancy. But I'm not.

Even with my heightened sense of reality, there was still so much ignorance.

Instead, this morning, while the rest of the family slept, I showered, reluctantly downed 32 oz. of water at 7:30 am, and headed back to the OB's office for my very last diagnostic test. A 3D u/s of my uterus. Whoopie. To say I was not amused would be putting it mildly. A 3D u/s is "supposed" to be an exciting time when you get to see the chubby cheeks and button nose of your unborn child not your painfully empty (and 'normal') uterus.

I didn't really expect to see anything abnormal. I've had no fewer than 15 scans before this one but I figured I'd give it a shot. So I did. And 25 minutes later I walked back through the double doors to the world outside where it started to sink in that my life will likely go on without another child. Strangely enough, I am not physically broken but that also means I can't be fixed by modern medicine.

As we were running out the door to head to my parents house for Easter, Jim handed me the stack of mail. It had a package from a gal that I went to high school with. I quickly opened it and saw that it was a book, written by another mom who has certainly had more than her fair share of heartache. I've actually been reading her blog but have refrained from putting her button in my sidebars. Why? I don't know. I have her bookmarked on my computer but I will be adding her button when I finish this post. I've only just started the book and I know that it won't be an emotionally easy read but I do hope that it brings me some peace, a place where I can be ok and find joy in all of my trials. Did I mention that not only was it a book, but it was a book with a note to me *blush* from the author? Thank you for thinking of me Carol!

I know, O Lord, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.
Psalm 119:75

Speaking of Easter... I'm glad I took the time to snap a few pics of the kids on Friday. To say that it was a wet Easter would be putting it mildly. It rained 2.12 inches in Shelton. That's a lot of water! Needless to say, the egg hunt was in the house... again. Poor Rylan has yet to see a sunny Easter in his young life and Karleigh has seen one, her first, at 3 months old. Neither has ever had an Easter egg hunt outside. But, such is life in the Pacific Northwest. Someday. Someday they'll get a sunny Easter! It's nice to know that they are aware that it's not about the candy, the basket, or the eggs at all.

While we were up at my parents, we were able to discuss and start thinking about what we might want to do over the spring and summer for some adventures near home. I think that Jim and I might even get the chance to get away for our 10 year wedding anniversary this summer. It won't be too far or for too long but it should be nice. It shouldn't be that big of a deal but we have not been away over night without the kids except for the time we spent in the hospital delivering Eli. We've planned, but we've never followed through... that I can recall right now. I think my parents will be able to take on the kid care duty and then we may even trade off and let them vacation while we take on dog care duty.

So, yes, we are continuing to look forward... to look towards the future... and now I just need to wrap my brain around it all and allow my heart to embrace it.

Friday Fotos!

I've really been working on trying to be in this moment and not think about the future or plan ahead too much. Of course that doesn't mean be all willy-nilly about stuff. So no, there aren't any outrageous plans or spending or adventures. Just in the moment. I am constantly reminded that the kids aren't all that little anymore and if I don't pay attention, there's a lot that will be missed or forgotten. I don't want that to happen. So, on to some Friday Fotos that I took for Easter since the weather was ok this afternoon and it's supposed to be pouring on Sunday.

Bunny Nose!

All about the grin.

Some good laughs.
This one is just too funny to me!

While snapping these, I really paid attention to each individual little personality. They are so much fun to be around and I really need to be better about stopping and watching them each be their own person. I love them both so much it's crazy.

I even like both of them too!

It breaks my heart when I see parents who clearly have a favorite or worse yet, a least favorite child. I just have no concept of that. We should love our children the way our Father loves us. No ifs, ands or buts about it. No constant blaming of one child over the other. No letting one get away with things the other can't. No making time for one but not the other. Anyway, I'm not going to continue to go on about it, it's just something that I've noticed in different ways lately that has been really bugging me... neither here nor there I suppose. Probably just goes along with that whole seeing kids who are with parents who don't appreciate them when there are so many out there who would.

Not much more for now. I hope you all have a safe weekend and a Happy Easter!

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

The first tiny daisy of the season. I walked by it a handful of times this morning and finally noticed it this afternoon. It looks as though someone had started to play a game of "he loves me, he loves me not" which made me smile... and sigh... and think...

Of course in my heart, I know He loves me and never loves me not. I won't lie though, in my head... some times it's rough and doesn't always feel like that's the case. It's funny when I think back on it, I never played the little game as a child thinking of it as he loves me vs. he hates me. I played it but in my head it was he loves me vs. he doesn't even know I exist. Ahhh, the days of middle school angst. :) At any rate, I saw the little daisy this afternoon and felt very reminded that yes, He does love me and never loves me not. Yes, He knows I exist, He created me! And I love Him too.

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”
James 1:12

Today was another beautiful day of sunshine and warmth. Of course I'm crazy so I sweated it out in jogging pants and a sweatshirt. Really, I knew that I needed to just feel something other than sadness and defeat and I didn't care if it felt good or bad, it just needed to be different. My body is so sore tonight but it's a good sore, not the can't drag my body off the couch sore because my heart hurts so deeply. No, I worked in the yard today and kicked my own butt in the process. I decided that I really needed to spruce up the corner of the house where Karleigh had her wildflower garden last summer. Seriously, it was the second ugliest corner of the house. So, instead of feeling bad about it, I decided to do something with it. THIS is the kind of thing that if you don't like it, you can decide to change it.

Here's what it looked like around 10 am today:

And here it is about 5 pm today:

All of that was done with things that were already around the property no less! All by myself, thankyouverymuch! So, since there were some "wildflowers" popping back up, I dug those up and set them aside in little pots until I was ready to put them back in the ground (since I started with um, yah, NO real plan). This is a tough spot, it's low, it gets hot in the summer afternoons, the vent is ugly, it's just always been very blah but one of those places that you always see. Anywho, it felt like a little victory to get this done before the rain starts back in a very short while, and I'll take what I can get at this point. I still had a few plants left from... when ever it was that I picked them up... 3 weeks ago?! So I put in the purple erysimum, some hot pink primroses and some purple pansies. Don't look for the purple pansies though as I got them in the ground one day too late... or at just the right time if you're the rabbit who found them last night. No worries, they'll bloom again... I hope. Then I moved an azalea who was none too happy where it was before, some bachelors buttons from the field, some daisies that were growing under a red huckleberry bush and put the perennial wildflowers back in. We covered it all up with some bark that I had forgotten that we still had and we were good to go! Karleigh, of course, found a few little decorations around the yard that she wanted to add which was totally fine. I'm sure we'll pick up and add some more things as the seasons change but for now I feel pretty good about it!

Enough bragging about my conquests... check out the little man!
Oh yah, all on his own! No, he didn't write it upside down, I moved him around for documentation purposes. He doesn't look the slightest bit proud of himself does he?

There were victories and there were defeats today. Listening was not high on their list of priorities today however, and Karleigh discovered the natural consequences of ignoring mommy. I had asked her, several times, not to ride the (little three wheel Razor) scooter in the (loose gravel) driveway. She got her first real good skinned knee of the year. Of course, blood curdling crying started before she even hit the ground and yah, she was bleeding so I set her on the yard swing and got her a wet washcloth. When I got back out and sat down next to her to clean her off, she cried "Why, oh WHY could this happen to such a beautiful little girl!?!?" No, I'm not kidding. Of course I started laughing so Rylan started laughing which irritated Karleigh even more. I finally answered with "Why, oh why can't such a beautiful little girl listen the first time!?!?" Luckily, that made her laugh... there was only a 50/50 chance there. Good news is, she'll survive. This is them sitting in time-out together after being rude to one another (yes, I made them sit together since they weren't being nice)... looks traumatic doesn't it?

I needed today to be a good day. I woke up this morning with a dream fresh on my mind and even through all the yard work today, I wasn't able to kick. There were bits and pieces missing but the gist of it was that, somehow, we had a tiny infant girl. There was some sort of "drama" getting her out of the hospital as in she'd been in the PICU for a couple of days but was fine, we had to have the nurse sign her release papers. I know it was spring/summer by what she was wearing and the light in her bedroom, she was here in this house and Karleigh was standing next to me as I laid the baby down in the crib. We both commented on how tiny she looked as Karleigh took her bitty baby out to be safe. It felt SO nice and SO right. But as I exhaled one of those "all is right with the world" breaths, Jim came upstairs to tell me that my coffee was ready. As I wiped the sleep from my eyes I realized that today was the edd for my first pregnancy after we lost Eli. But come on! How are dreams like that supposed to help me "get over" the desire for number three? It was good to have the fresh air to relive and work through that dream and the thoughts of the 'could have beens'. Anyway...

Just before packing it in for the evening, I noticed that the trilliums were blooming. They totally remind me of Easter and are just another reminder that He does love us, He is there. He always has been and He always will be.

Just Sad

There's really not much more to say about it.

I'm sad.

I'm sad that my babies have died. I'm sad that so many pregnancies have failed. I'm sad that I don't know why.

I'm sad.

I'm sad that I will probably never have another baby. I'm sad that pretty much all of my 'real life' friends have dropped off the face of the earth. I mean, they're still there but they can't be bothered to reach out to me. Fine. But I'm sad that they act as if I'm contagious. Who knows? Maybe I am.

I'm sad that the only thing it seems I have left to give is support to others who are going down a similar road. I'm sad that I think about it all. the. time. I'm sad that someone would say "well then, just stop." As in, just stop being sad. Just stop thinking about it. Get over it. It makes me sad that anyone would be so... clueless.

But I guess this is my life now and I need to make it the best life for me and for my family. I'm sad that I didn't embrace everything before last year when my life totally changed because now I'm tired. I'm sad that I don't have the energy what I used to. I mean, I make myself get up and do what needs to be done and can even do it well and with a smile on my face but it takes so much effort these days. My body, literally, hurts. So, I don't really know what's going on. Is there really something "more" going on? Is is basic depression? Is it hormones? or is it *gasp, cough, cough* that I'm just getting old!?

I captured a bunch of hummingbirds today but instead, for fear of boring you all, decided on a sap-sucker to share. Check out the damage the pair is doing to that tree!

Today was another beautiful day here. We spent most of the day outside just "being" which, as I've said before can be kind of a double-fold bummer for me since it gives me so much time to let my mind wander and it used to be something that was one of my favorite things to do here. Listening to the creek, the birds, the breeze, feeling the sun on my skin. Once upon a time, I couldn't ask for more. On the other hand, it does provide me with some "picture perfect" moments like these:

I don't even know... booger?

Wow. Just Wow. Stripes, plaid and polka dots all at once.

Nobody has ever accused her of being boring!

When I think about it, I think about myself as two totally different people. There's "mom" who does all the fun mom stuff, the not fun mom stuff and everything within my power to protect Karleigh and Rylan from the other me that is just under the surface. There's also the me who is fighting anxiety about everything these days. The me who fights back the tears when I think about where I thought I would be right now. Perhaps the whole, being a Gemini, thing works out well for me. I do NOT want to fail the family that I do have so I guess it is a blessing that I can isolate the person that I need to be at each moment, if that makes any sense.

I used to be a planner and a daydreamer. I still catch myself thinking about the future - about the future that I want but have started stopping myself because all it does now is... you guessed it, make me sad. I have been trying to make a very conscious effort to "see" life, down the road, happy with just the four of us. Some times it even works for a moment but then I become all too aware that it feels like I've been forced to, not even compromise, but just admit what feels like defeat. I've also been working on that mental list of why 2 kids is better for us than 3... unfortunately, it really only ever seems to come down to money. That doesn't seem the best reason to me but there has GOT to be more that I can't see.

Once upon a time, a year or so ago... which feels like an eternity... I felt like I had a pretty good grasp on things. I was very accepting that I didn't know why Eli died but there was hope and optimism for another baby, our rainbow baby. Of course I couldn't just blindly dive headfirst into the joy of thinking about that new baby but there was so much hope. I was excited and just knew that God had plans for our family to prosper. That optimism and hope is feeling very diluted now. Don't confuse that with hope and optimism in God... just the whole "new baby" thing and I'm hoping that the diluted optimism does not spill over into other parts of my life.

Sunny Sunday

Turns out, I've used that title before. It was a sunny Sunday though, at least on the outside. The weather was such a welcome sight. Jim mowed the lawn, I planted some more flowers, did some weeding, the kids played outside all day and yet, I still couldn't totally kick the funk. Granted, I don't expect to totally be "over" everything. Bottom line, I lost another pregnancy less than a week ago - that's not fun. I keep wondering what, if anything, the additional tests will reveal - that keeps my mind swamped. Plus, just, blah. With the nice weather arriving today, the wind really picked up here around 5:30 this morning between all the thumping from the garbage can, the whipping of the flag on the side of the house and my racing thoughts, I was awake until 6:30. Not fun and was probably a major contributing factor to my funk. Enough of that though.


At any rate, that should not negate the fact that it was really beautiful today. Of course when it's nice like this, I get outside and just sit and listen and let my mind wander. Sometimes that's a good thing and... sometimes it's not. Yes, I logically know that I am going through exactly what I'm "supposed" to be going through but that doesn't make the knee-jerk, emotional reactions to certain things any less. Of course I'm happy when a baby safely makes it into this world but no, you're not going to get much sympathy from me about the pain of pregnancy or how you hadn't "planned" this, or how you don't know how you'll handle it because I guarantee that 'dealing' with a live baby will be a hundred times easier than 'dealing' with a dead baby. Just sayin'...


Phew, I mean it! Enough of that! So, anyway, today was gorgeous and warm and we did get out and enjoy it. Jim even ran to the little country store for ice cream after dinner. It's strange how I could say all that went on today and it would probably sound like a picture perfect life but there's that underlying stuff that I'm really trying to get past... and that part is hard.


Since you read through all that scattered, depressing stuff, here's your thank you in the form of a few pics of the kiddos today.

Karleigh just hanging out in the yard.

Maybe not the next great American soccer player!

Yummy ice cream!

Karleigh "hiding" during hide and go seek.

More Testing

It's been a few days since I've written anything here. My mom came down to visit, handle some business here and stay since she's on her Spring Break. She even brought a beautiful bouquet of flowers for us.

Getting on to what this blog is about and a little more interesting however... After some thought, I decided that I would call my doctors office and ask either for more testing or for a referral to someone who would be more aggressive. I've done lots and lots and lots of reading and research online about what could possibly be going on with me and there really isn't a whole lot more left but I figured instead of consulting Dr.Google, I'd actually go to the office. We were there for quite a while discussing options, previous test results and where we're going to go now. "We" being Jim and me since mom was here, she was able to watch the kids so Jim could go with me this time. Such a blessing since two heads are better than one and after talking things over with Jim, there were things that I didn't even hear.


The appointment was actually pretty good. I mean, as good as it can go I suppose and I didn't walk out feeling like I'd just had a discussion with a brick wall. We met with the doc that confirmed that Eli had died and was on call for his delivery and my surgery since my regular OB is on vacation this week. I, of course, did lots of research and reading before the appointment so I knew what I wanted to ask about. He ordered and re-ordered some blood tests so this time the lab drew:

cytomegalovirus
toxoplasmosis
anit nuclear antibody screen w/ titer
prolactin
hemoglobin A1C
and karyotyping on both Jim and me. The karyotyping is to check for genetic translocations... that issue where we're gambling with every pregnancy to see if we get the "right" egg with the "right" sperm of there's any chance of a healthy pregnancy.


So, that was 5 more vials of blood, no biggie, it was 7 last time. We also discussed the possible, though not probable "uterus" issues. We are not going to do the HSG since that is looked at as an infertility test and is mainly useful in detecting blocked tubes and we know that my tubes aren't blocked since now I can get pregnant (quite the change), I just can't stay pregnant. He did suggest an MRI on my uterus instead but I am sensitive to iodine so the contrast dye that they would use would not be the "good" one because of that, plus, insurance companies really hate paying for MRI's. So, after chatting with someone else (on the phone) they are going to set me up with a 3D ultrasound of my uterus. I know that made Jim much more comfortable since he really didn't want to chance things with the contrast dye. The 3D u/s technology is still so relatively new that they are just starting to use it for more than "baby peeks". It should allow them to see if there is a septum, fibroids, or anything like that on the inside as well as if the outside is "normal" without having to do an MRI. IF they see something that warrants a closer look then we'll do a hysteroscopy in the office which is an actual camera all up in my business. And after that? Every test, every diagnostic option has been exhausted. I was fine at the appointment until we got to that part and that's when I lost it a little bit. I just feel so out of control and so in the dark about what's going on. I would love to just know what's going on. It would be so much easier for me to close the book on this chapter of our lives if I knew why? and that I won't carry another pregnancy to term.


It's frustrating for everyone. I have 2 nearly perfect pregnancies, 3 second trimester losses and 5 first trimester losses with the healthy pregnancies being bookended by losses... so, it's very confusing for everyone. It does not seem, given the circumstances, that the losses would all be caused by the same thing. My gut it still really thinking that it is something immunological with me, where my body attacks the pregnancy and some were just able to hold on longer than others... how I managed to get Karleigh and Rylan? of course I can't explain that other than they were conceived during very stressful times in my life (well, times that I thought were stressful until now) so who knows, perhaps I was more immunosuppressed at the time. I don't know just a theory that, at this point, seems just as possible as anything else. Perhaps they are both miracles. Nothing more, nothing less. I am working on really trying to get to a place where I can be at peace with whatever we find out, if anything. I'm working on being able to accept no answer as well. I'm working on getting to a place where I can be at peace and feel fulfilled with 'just' the two kids that I have. But? it will be a process.


I pray that the test results are accurate and that they are interpreted correctly. I pray that I can let go and let God a little better on this. I'm sure another reason that I'm having trouble with this is I love science and I'm totally fascinated by it so when it cannot explain things, it's even more frustrating for me.



There are just so many things that I cannot wait to get the answer to when I get to Heaven... if I even am bothered by it anymore. ...that and how in the world we had snow today but it's supposed to be 70 degrees on Sunday?

I'm very, VERY excited for that prospect this weekend. I'm getting pretty bored with this wet, cold, soggy weather again this year. Global warming huh? I could go off on a whole other tangent about that. But, I'll spare you!