Wordless Wednesday

Yes, a second post today for almost wordless Wednesday. Man, oh man what a difference just under 2 years (22 months...) can make

My auburn haired, blue eyed, chunky monkey baby is now a blond haired, green eyed, long and lean big boy.

...who still loves to get cozy!

Somewhere in the Middle

Hopefully the first song that starts playing on my play list (at the bottom of this page) is Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns. You know the way God works, you come across words that just "magically" speak to you and where you are at the moment. Clearly not magic but you know what I mean. This song totally sums it up for me. I've mentioned, quite a bit I think, that I'm feeling different. Content and yet, not. Lost but found. Happy and sad...


Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me


Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me


Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control


Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle


Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves


Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me


Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle


And just when I think I am alone and caught in the middle, He screams at me, "You are not alone!"

Jim brought the mail up this afternoon and between the High 5 magazines, and a CD renewal notice for Rylan (at least his 'portfolio' continues to grow), there was a padded envelope from one of my friends. Isn't this beautiful? There was a really sweet card with it too but sometimes the things that are said get to be mine. Obviously I took it outside (notice the sun!?!) to take a photo of it so I could try to share its beauty here. It's a heart made from beautiful pieces of shattered glass that are fused back together... perfect.



While I was out there, I kid you not (J, you will get goosebumps from this), the first hummingbird of spring buzzed by and hung out for a few minutes. I could hear him coming and thought "no way" but sure enough. He came right over to the garden from where I pulled the rock. The rock is packed with natural garnets, January's birthstone, conveniently. I forgot for a moment that I even had my camera with me. Of course when I went to snap a picture, it was directly into the sun and I ended up with a white frame. But the point was not for me to get a picture of the hummingbird. I don't believe in coincidences. I was outside with the kids today, looking, listening, thinking that the hummingbirds were overdue for their return. And then he showed up at just the right time. Just me. Just the sun. Just the necklace. Just the hummingbird. And God speaking loud and clear through a whisper.

Enjoy the Moments

If there is only one thing that I have learned from this life, it's that we need to enjoy the moments. All of them. Not just the big, fun ones but the small, tedious ones as well. I'm still learning to enjoy doing the dishes but it's a process... right?

Thanks to Heather and a few others, the complete quote that I was looking for is this:

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river

and he's not the same man.”
~Heraclitus of Ephesus

So, is that why things seem to be going a bit better this time? Could be. The experiences of last year allowed me a more peaceful place this year. Although, I still feel like I was more in-tune with everything that was going on last year. Last year I felt like I was walking more towards God, this year it feels more like he's carrying me instead. Last year there were lots of thoughts of "I can't believe THIS is MY life!" and this year it's more "Yup, this is my life!" Eh, I'm getting kind of rambly (apparently I just made that word up).

We had another snowy day today. And while it seems odd to have snow this time of year, it really isn't. I went back through some of my blog posts from last April and we actually had enough snow to make a huge snowman during the last half of the month so March isn't that shocking. You can also tell that even though it's snowy, it's not the frigid stuff we had in December. Needless to say, you have to enjoy it while you can because now, it's melting off. Um, never mind! I can see the snow swirling around and can hear it pounding the windows. Un-predictablness is the one predictability this time of year!

Here are the kiddos real quick while taking a break from sneaking bites of snow off the yard toy and before the virtual blizzard started!

I wonder if I have any like this from last year to see how much they've grown?

2 Months... again

I've used that title before. This time, it's for Collin. It's been two months since we said goodbye to him. I'm actually doing pretty ok with it which is nice. I have a friend, in one of my support groups online, who has the same edd. I would be 22 weeks 1 day pregnant. But, I'm not.

I've been continuing to focus on the projects around me which gives me a place to channel all the restless energy. We took 6 full bags of out-grown kid clothes to Goodwill on Wednesday. I packed up one big box to send to a friend in Michigan. We'll see where the rest ends up. I don't have the desire to have a garage or yard sale, though Karleigh really thinks we should! The "things" just sit and gather dust and get in the way of enjoying the other things around me. OK, not to a huge extent but just the thought of the things clutters my mind with thoughts of it not being used again or taking up space. It's complex. I have my list and I think I'll be posting the larger items on Craigslist for a couple weeks, maybe, and then anything left will be going to re-sale or Goodwill. I also figure, that getting several hundred dollars for the things that we have left will also help with that New Years Resolution to have all of our (stupid) revolving debt paid off by the end of the year. We should actually be able to accomplish that goal far before the end of the year. That's exciting to me, especially in this economy!

I've been kind of quiet. Not sure why. There are always things to talk about but I'm not really sure how to get all the thoughts down. I haven't had my camera out a whole lot the last few weeks so I don't even have pics to show. Life continues to continue though! Jim will be moving locations to open a new store in the area... yes, again, in this economy his sector and company continues to grow. Karleigh has another kindy open house, getting to know you type thing on Tuesday and in a couple weeks I'm taking Rylan in for his pre-school evaluation. Of course, seriously, like the day after I called he had another language explosion and is quite happy to show off all he knows, including his phone number, colors, counting, letters, letter sounds... I'm not concerned about him cognitively. at. all. but I am curious about his fine motor skills including his pronunciation. I don't have a lot to compare to though since Karleigh has always spoken quite well and when we were really involved in play groups, the kids were all quite a bit younger. I'll be glad to get a "professional" opinion from the school district instead of listening to the opinions of other parents.

That certainly went off on a bit of a tangent which is proof that I'm a bit closer to being back to "me". Again, not the same me, a different me but an OK me.

Did anyone catch ER the other night? Carter was relaying a proverb or quote at the end of it and I'd like to find it in its entirety. The gist of it was that "a man cannot stand in the same river twice because by the time he returns to stand in it again, the currents have changed the river so it is no longer the same." That really sums up what I've been trying to say when I mention that I've walked this path before but it's still different. I'd just like to have it written down in less scattered words.

Something New to Blame it on?

Hum!? Apparently I might have something else to blame my "funk" on!

According to this maybe it's just because of where I live! I don't fully believe that. I believe that you can create your own happiness and that you can also create your own sadness. Every day there is a choice to be made. Sit and wallow or get up and rejoice... even if it is after your first cup of coffee. Also, in case you're curious... right now it's sunny, I can see large patches of blue sky and no, it's not raining!

Oh yah, and I totally cannot imagine living anywhere else. Interestingly enough, PDX was also on the list (I recall it being #1) for best places in the US to raise a family. Go figure!

Inferior

There's a thing with the internet... it can easily hurt more than it helps. I'm not talking "Ouch! I just broke a nail on my shift key!" I'm talking "Gee, she has it all together and I suck." I was talking with one of my friends about that and how it's really easy to feel sub-par or inferior in your parenting, house keeping, personal experiences, yard design, personality, faith - the list can go on and on and on. The thing is that very few people have blogs, post on their message boards or email their friends about the things that they are struggling with. Generally these things are set up to be places to log accomplishments. There in, lies the problem.

On the other side of it, when you do come across a place where someone voices their weaknesses, people on the outside may tend to think that the author just needs to "Get over it, already!" That's not necessarily the case. Just because I talk about missing my babies doesn't mean that I am blurry eyed and depressed as I make my morning cup of coffee. I don't rub my empty belly every time I walk past a mirror. It's not like that. This is my place to express my weaknesses and if this is the only place that you get information about how I'm really doing, it might be a bit skewed. That's ok though. I'm just asking that you don't judge someone or yourself with the limited "knowledge" that the internet provides.

I'm not sure what brought on that tangent tonight. I've been looking online at decorating stuff, gardening stuff, parenting, homeschooling activities... and of course I always manage to find the people who have it all together. But, they usually have it together in the one area that they choose to write about. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and I guess it's important to remember that very few genuine people are going to be able to discuss colors, politics, breastfeeding, crock pot cooking, home repairs, barn stars, menstrual cycles, finance... you get the idea.

I need to reevaluate and decide where my highest priorities lie. And THAT'S where I need to focus my attention and that's where I need to work on being an expert. I'm tired of being an "expert" in trying to conceive, grief and everything that goes along with it. I know how to quickly dry up my milk when I don't have a baby to feed. I know how to chart my temps and how to adjust my meds when my docs won't. I know which releases need to be signed before surgery. I know what's normal and what's not. I spend a lot of my time sharing this knowledge with others in this ever growing community of which no one wants to be a member. But, is that the best use of me? I want to be the best "me" that I can be. I'm trying to figure out who God wants me to be.

Totally unrelated but I do think that I need to make an appointment with a general/family doc. I know I was complaining about my wrist bugging me after surgery... I still have a lump, about the size of a pea, in my wrist. It has moved slightly. It started out just above where my wrist bends - I'm assuming from where the end of the IV was - and now it's about an inch and a half further down my arm. It's darkish and moves and hurts if I push on it... so I don't do that often. But, it's not normal. It's nearing 8 weeks now so it should certainly be healed. Any insights?

A Fever

... and I have no idea how to cure it, or at to at least make it more bearable. I suppose if I knew what the fever was caused by, it might be easier to attack it, but I don't. The kitchen is done (except for the paint on the heater), the house is spotless (except for a bowl and spoon in the sink and then the basement... but the basement never counts!), the kids are asleep in bed, but I feel so restless. My cheeks are flushed, my ears are hot and my stomach is unsettled. There's something eating at me, keeping me from being able to relax and rest and it's driving me nuts. I still can't seem to fall asleep much before 1 am and it's usually closer to 2 most nights, er, mornings. I am someone who needs a LOT of sleep - always have, so 5 hours a night or so is not going to cut it. The big problem is... I have no idea how to settle myself and just calm down.

I'm not sure where I'm even going with this. My blogging is generally a stream of consciousness and actually getting it down in one spot usually helps me focus so we'll see if I end up with any great realizations. I'm sure that part of this funkiness is just the time of year. This time of year is pretty tough in the pacific northwest as it is and I'm still finding myself having little 'flashbacks' to last year along with dealing with the fresh thoughts of losing Collin and it all is just adding up again.

It's not all bad though, I just wish that I could feel a little bit more a peace with the way things are. And, it's not just the "deadbaby" issue or the "what now?" issue, it's a bunch of weird little things. Maybe it's just part of being a grownup though! I'm happy, I'm cheerful, I'm patient but I'm also tired and a bit agitated. I need to find that peace again. It was easier last year to just think about moving forward because we would just try again and have our rainbow baby... we now know that it doesn't work like that. We also have no idea what path we are going to attempt to take in the future either. I'm working on being ok with that.