Almost Wordless (almost still) Wednesday...

Eh, I was close to getting this posted on Wednesday but it is about Wednesday... that should count, right? Here are some of the pics from today. Love seeing these guys in their natural surroundings. And, yum... cherry limeade... yummmmmm!

Remembering Today...

You might think I'm talking about this presidential inauguration which frankly seems like a joke to me but I'm not... though I might. *note: I'm referring to the inauguration and all the brouhaha that's gone along with it this year, not the president per say. What I'm actually talking about is today is Eli's 11 month anniversary? angelversary? deathaversary?... it's been 11 months since I delivered Eli. It's odd. It feels like a big date because it's the last one until next month which will mark a year. I know that by his one year, I will not be pregnant. No way, no how. I was hoping that would help take the edge off of it and instead I'm no closer to baby number three than I was a year ago and I'm still very much grieving Collin's loss. Good grief.

I suppose all of the events of today are helping to add to my stress today. I know that my opinion is only shared with slightly less than half the voting population but I find it totally annoying the way that the media has been approaching this inauguration. It's not a rock concert. It's not the Superbowl. Barack Obama is not a god. I should not be made to feel like I'm a "bad American" because I didn't go out and buy chips, a taco dip tray and throw a party. I did not even come close to welling up while listening to Obama speak. I was talking with one of my friends earlier today and had mentioned that this doesn't seem like a nation of men, it seems like it's a man of a nation.
And that scares me.
I honestly don't believe that so many other countries throughout the world are praising the outcome of the election because they think that we will be a stronger nation under President Obama. Gosh, I hope I'm wrong though. I hope I'm very, very wrong.
Of course I pray that he successfully leads our country out of the messes that it's currently in but I'm not holding my breath. These messes were not caused by one person, they can not be cleaned up by one person. I can only hope that he doesn't make decisions based on "popular vote" like he's running for Homecoming King and he has the foresight so see that every action and delay of action causes a reaction far beyond what any man (or woman) could predict.
It's not about the color of his skin. He's just as much black as he is white so, it bugs me that there is so much emphasis put on the way he looks. It should be about his plans for the future and the way he leads. Really leads, not this lemming effect that seems to be happening but strong leadership. Leadership that makes people think and discuss and come together on common ground even on the tough issues. Not the kind of leadership that elicits the response of "...because Oprah said so." Anyway, this is not a political blog but it's my blog so I get to say what I want ;) And in simple terms... I am not happy about today. It's a downer for me but it is what it is and I get to deal with all aspects of it and tomorrow will be a new day. Oh, and in case you're wondering, I'd feel the same way towards a woman with the same qualifications being sworn in with her extreme feminist followers, intros from the Pussycat Dolls and Barbra Streisand followed by political commentary breaking down her xx chromosomes. It just seems like a circus as I sit here on the outside of it all and all of the fanfare does not help bridge any gaps, for me. Yikes! Enough of that and save your hate-mail.

Tomorrow will be another day for keeping my mind off of things. Jim has the day off and we're going to hit up Sonic, a movie and hopefully have time to get to the wildlife refuge not far from here. It'll be interesting to see it in the winter as opposed to the summer. The same but different I suppose, much like the rest of my life.

Weekend Recap...

It's been a few days! My sister in law is still here, in fact, we just got home from watching a chick flick at the theatre. Bride Wars - very cute movie actually. I have no idea the last time that I went to a movie with another girl so it was really great to do something out of the ordinary yet have it be so... ordinary and dare I say? normal.

The last few days my body has been reminding me that this is still a very fresh emotional and physical wound but it's nice to be able to take my mind off of it by getting out of the house and doing things that I wouldn't normally do without the extra motivation that has been visiting for the last week. I was pretty excited that I seemed to be healing up really quickly but again, like times in the past after a couple good days, my body slips back. Like it's saying "hey, you glad to be back to normal? --- psych!!!" Well, at least I'm used to it. I will eventually have to heal up physically. Emotionally? With time, things will get better too but I'm not sure when since this just seems to be like a carousel ride... ups and downs, round and round... seeing the same thing over and over just from a slightly different vantage point each time.

Saturday, we took a drive out to the waterfalls that we visited during the train tour for Rylan's birthday. I was planning on taking some photos but down by the water it was pretty dark and we couldn't get across the river with the bridge that we had used in October because they swing it aside to keep it from getting damaged by logs when the water is raging. It's ok though, we took a few and then took a drive instead. It was a great little day that ended with this:... and with a cute movie and a bottle of wine.


Sunday, we braved the beautiful, chilly weather and we all went to the zoo. It's always nice to see the zoo in a different light than the normal hot summer days that we're used to. The African animals were all inside because of the weather but that was ok, it was getting cold and Rylan started having a rough time. Between too hot hot cocoa and falling down the stairs - as in flipping heels over head, straight as a board - he was done. We did get to enjoy the newer northwest display which the kids loved! So, here's a load of photos from the zoo. See if you can spot the other little exciting change...

Alrighty! Here's a closer shot of the exciting little change... just before we left for the zoo, auntie Lacey helped Karleigh pull her (technically) third tooth! So now she's missing a top and a bottom. The second bottom tooth is also very loose so it looks like it's going to be apple sauce instead of whole apples for a while! The tooth fairy decided to bring a Sacajawea dollar and an English pound this time. That tooth fairy is one smart cookie!

After we left the zoo we drove up to the rose garden to sneak a peek at the city as the sun was getting ready to set behind us. Why don't we do things like this when they're right in our backyard? Why is it that we always wait until we have guests to take in the local attractions? Maybe that should be another one of my resolutions! Look at what I'm missing out on!

What I Expected...

I had my follow up with my OB today. As usual, he was his concerned yet 'chill' self. I didn't have any major physical concerns so that made the appointment pretty quick. I asked about the bruise in the vein on the top of my wrist, I know - silly, but it's still bugging me. It's not infected or anything just pretty sensitive still. I am able to feel the cysts on my ovaries but they're not causing pain, just a small annoyance and he expects them to be back to normal in less than 6 weeks. He lifted all physical 'restrictions' and just requested that we wait one maybe two cycles before trying again. Ugh. My heart is screaming "I shouldn't be having to try again!" It doesn't help that my attitude is cruddy today.

Not that it matters now, but I did ask about the actual numbers that the MFM doc came up with after figuring my age, scan results and blood test results. My risk for T21 went from 1 in 420 to 1 in 660 and for T18 it went from 1 in something to <1 in 10,000. He also had the pathology results and there were no revelations of anything that we didn't already know, a normal pregnancy except for that pesky no beating heart thing.

On the upside, nothing went wrong with the procedure and I'm healing fine so before too long, I should be back to normal. What ever that means these days.

On a totally unrelated note, the kids have been pretty funny lately and coming up with some off the wall stuff. First, the other night we were driving home and Karleigh asked "Hey, what do kangaroos eat?" Before I could answer her, I hear Rylan answer : "kangarootbeer!" Funny little guy but he often keeps those little things to himself. Then yesterday, Karleigh looked at me and said "Mom? What if some day some girl asks Rylan to marry her? Like she just walks up to us and looks at me and says 'move over, this is my boy now!' all snotty. What do you think about that? That would be sad huh?" I said, well, some day that might kind of happen and Rylan will probably get married. She looked at me and said "well, then let's never go to the park again. I love him." Silly girl! It's a blessing to have them and be totally thankful for them but at the same time it makes what I'm missing all the more crystal clear.

A Week Gone By...

I used to be the type of girl who laughed until I cried and now I seem to cry until I laugh. I'm not quite sure when the happy-go-lucky me disappeared. Was it after Eli died? I honestly don't remember. I suppose it could have been before but aside from the "little" infertility issue - trying for over 4 years, and losing 2 pregnancies, before holding our first baby - life was pretty good.

Don't get me wrong, I still have a very good life. A great husband with a solid job that enables me to stay at home, a cute little house with sprawling property to call home and raise our kids, a few integral friends and family who drop their problems just to ask about mine. What more could I need? Not much, but there is something more that I want.

I want to understand how I "lucked out" and was given this really long, repeating chapter in my life. Every time it's the same yet different. I'm having the same conversations in my head that I was having 11 months ago. Just weird. I was reading back through some of my early posts from last year and it was just all so fresh again. To the point where I thought, huh? maybe I should just link back to those past posts and save myself some time. I feel like I had better insight last year. That bugs me. One would think with losing Eli and 3 more babies before Collin just this year, under my belt, that I would be better at this... or something like that.

I've been praying for the peace that I am looking for but at this point, peace is not what I'm feeling. Numbness would be a better description I suppose. I'm wondering if maybe I'm just pushing things aside until it's "easier" to deal with them. I don't think it will ever be easy though. Last week seems like so long ago, yet last year feels like it was just a week ago. I'd like to think that I've been really good about not having a "poor me" attitude but I do find myself looking at issues that other people voice and thinking "gee, what a problem to have... wanna trade?" I'm sure that I have to be on the other side of that for someone else, you know - the grass is always greener and all that stuff. I have had people "guess" what I'm feeling clearer than I can describe it lately so that does seem to help me justify? my feelings or at least not feel so crazy.

Talk it Out...

It's helping, that's for sure.

To remove the obscurity, my sister in law is the "great friend" that is visiting. Oh that's nice, right? But the thing is, it IS beyond nice. It's not like it was a "hey, I'll swing past your house more often than usual to help you if you start to slip back into the pit."
It's more like:
*ring, ring* on Saturday afternoon (short version)
Her: I'm flying out [of London] unless you tell me absolutely no, how long should I stay?
Me: two weeks?
Her: sounds good, that's what I was thinking too... I'll see you tomorrow night! Eeek!

I know, right? You just don't find people like that and she fell right into my lap when "the stars aligned" and the New York/Alaska/Hawaii raised girl met the Montana raised boy in Washington, they got married, and she became family.

Now, I'm physically in a better place than I was after we lost Eli which makes her visit both therapeutic and enjoyable. The kids are loving spending time with her since it's been a year and a half since we've seen her but it's been great for me too. We can talk about it, cry about it, laugh about it (as odd as that may seem, there's still laughter) I can re-say 12 times what I'm trying to spit out if necessary and not have to worry about losing my train of thought, she'll eventually bring me back to my point. She doesn't roll her eyes if out of the blue I just say "you know, and another thing...". She stops and listens.

She is keeping me out of the pit that is easy to slip into when Jim is at work and the kids are napping and everything is way too quiet. At the same time I'm able to talk about it whenever it hits me and I don't have to stuff it and wait for Jim to get home.

Of course, there are still moments when it's quiet, in the shower, lying in bed at night trying to fall asleep, the early morning before I can drag myself out of bed... There will always be moments like that as long as there are parts of me missing, and that will be forever.

In His Short Time...

He did touch people.

From Washington to Tennessee, Michigan to Texas, Australia to England... people know who Collin is and they loved him. Several of my guardian angles, for lack of a better term, have sent along reminders that Collin and our pain, is real. Gift cards for dinner, heart-felt hand written cards, messages, a special figurine that goes with the one that I received after Eli died and a blue burp cloth with Collin's name embroidered on it. You cannot explain the emotions when you see your baby's name right in front of you. Indescribable.

The healing process is different this time but it's still a process. I think I've said that a bunch of times already. But it's true. I am functioning so much better this time but the pain is still there. There are still many of those 'firsts'. The first time you hug someone again. The first time you go back into a store since... there are reminders everywhere. I guess I just know how to deal with it better? differently, I suppose.

I sure wish I didn't have this "experience" under my belt but there's a reason for it. There has to be since I don't believe that life can really be this cruel without reason. In fact, I'm borrowing a quote that one of these friends posted on her blog.

God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein