It is Set...

Thursday at 11 am. I will check into the hospital and hungrily wait for two hours until 1 pm when my d&c is scheduled. After much thought and wrestling, I think this is the route to go this time. After talking with Dr. B, I feel a bit better about it. It's not new territory to me, it will be my third, so I know what to expect. There's the benefit of knowing when things will be resolved and recovery isn't even all that bad. So, that's the plan. Is there a part of me that has a bit of a problem with knowing what really happens on that operating table? Oh yah, but I'm coming to terms with it and accepting that that's how it's going to be.

We talked about the other options, waiting it out or helping it along either at home or in the hospital and both of those options came back with a high probability of needing a d&c anyway so I might as well just cut to the chase. Plus, there's a part of me that would feel kind of stupid lying in the birth center to miscarry a 13 week baby even though I know it shouldn't be about my pride. It was exhausting and it still took a long time with Eli. Waiting it out has, in the past, not worked for me and I am having no cramping or spotting at all at this point so it's not like we'd just be giving things a boost, we'd be trying to start something from scratch. He said that he only gave inducing a miscarriage, about a 50% chance of working. In the general population it's closer to 75% - 80% but he also said, clearly, I'm not like the general population.

On the upside, the nasty receptionist was not there when I checked in for my appointment so I didn't have to deal with that. I told Dr. B that she had spoken to me the same exact way when I called that Monday morning in February about Eli and that every time I speak with her it's like a confrontation. I also told him that I'm not the only one with this complaint as my girlfriend, who I just referred to them, asked me if the front desk staff was always so nasty. Needless to say, he clearly thought that was unacceptable behavior (you think?) and thanked me for letting him know because he doesn't know if no one says anything.

So, that's where things stand now. I have to wait for a few more days for resolution to this but I have, at least, made the decision and there's enough time that my mom can get a sub set up so she can be here with the kids and Jim can rearrange his schedule so he can be with me. Poor guy gets bored with all that waiting though at least he gets to eat.

I do have to say that I feel a lot better knowing which solution we have chosen. So much of the anxiety comes from the unknown.

My OB's office. That's where I'll be sitting in 12 hours, glaring at the receptionist who refused to budge and let me come in on Friday and who snipped "do you have a problem!?!" when I sighed in the phone, trying to hold back my tears before she put me on hold. Like I needed to deal with her, again, when making the I-think-my-baby's-dead call, again.

Of course, the weather isn't cooperating. I haven't moved out of my cozy chair much today but when I did take a peek outside, I noticed that it has snowed another 3 or so inches this evening. It is supposed to turn to rain but I don't know when. Jim said they talked about the weather on the news but I don't remember even watching the news tonight. Go figure. I will be not be rescheduling this appointment though. I need to know what the plan is. I don't know if they'll give me one "final" ultrasound or not. I had a dream last night that they did and it was all just a mistake. Wishful thinking though and it was very sad to come out of that dream.

I do thank each and every one of you who has logged in and left notes or sent me emails to let me know that you're thinking of us. It helps in not feeling so alone in all of this and having something new to read helps keep my mind busy. It's when I have nothing going on that it starts going to those strange places that I was hoping to never have to visit again. I have already started the purging of all the baby and kid stuff in my mind. There are some things that I want to keep but there are other things that I have been keeping for the "next" baby. I don't think there will be a "next" baby now. There are brand new things that were purchased for Eli and never used, some things that were only used for a short time by either Rylan or Karleigh and I just can't keep it all floating around in the various places in the house, closets and basement to taunt me when I turn around. It's time for much of this stuff to go. It's not a great time of year for re-sale, the dead-line for tax deductions has passed, I don't care. It needs to go. Yes, it's grief but it's my grief and I'll get rid of stuff if I want to. Um, yah, and it's about control too, I know, I don't have a lot of that right now.

I have had a chance to think about how I want... that's a funny choice of words... how I want to go about things so we'll see if I have the support of Dr.B tomorrow or not. I have certainly learned, quickly, not to get my hopes up or make too many plans in advance, so I am going to try to keep an open mind about the whole thing. I mean, bottom line is: the end result is the same, I come home empty handed and broken hearted. Again.

Here I Sit...

The house is so very quiet. Both kids are napping (for now) and all I can hear is the sound of the heater, the clicking of the keys and my own heart pounding in my ears.


I've been trying to figure out what I want to do from here. What I want is to have a live baby but that isn't going to happen. So now, now I have to figure out how to get un-pregnant. With my history, my body generally doesn't catch on to the fact that the baby has died. With my first pregnancy the baby's heart stopped around 10 weeks and I finally had a D&C at 13.5 weeks. Eli's heart stopped and three days later he was delivered via induction. I don't know how we are going to go about things this time. I have really been praying for guidance on that front.


There are basically three standard ways to go about it and all of them have their drawbacks.
Wait it out and miscarry naturally which could take weeks and could have complications along with the unknown of when it would happen and if I would be here alone with the kids, the pain and the fact that there is still a very high likely hood for an emergency D&C.
An induced miscarriage with Cytotec or Misoprostol which would speed the process along but again there are all the above concerns with being at home - 35 minutes from the nearest hospital.
A D&C which would surgically remove his body from mine. It would be a scheduled, out patient procedure and I know what to expect but it's surgery again and knowing what happens during the D&C does bother me.


A part of me, even though I know Collin is 3 weeks smaller, wants to do it just like we did last year. But I don't know if the hospital will agree to that. I feel like this is such an in-between stage for making the "right" choice and it really all depends on what Dr.B suggests on Monday, too.


I'm sure we'll attempt to have genetic testing done again even though I have very low expectations for finding anything out. He just passed the physical part of the chromosomal screening with flying colors a day before his heart stopped. I just keep hearing the words of the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor saying "he looks perfect, I see nothing for us to be concerned about..." Ultrasound apparently doesn't show the hand of God. I can't help but wonder if they could still do an amnio just as they would if he were still alive and we were looking for a chromosomal analysis. I will ask about that because with having a weekend before anything can be done, the chance of finding anything out from his pathology report is very slim.


It feels totally unreal to be sitting here, going through the options in my head less than a year later while experiencing the joys *sarcasm* of phantom flutters and bumps - oh yes, that is a very real phenomenon - while dreading the thought of my milk coming in, again, with no baby to feed.

He's Gone...

At 13 weeks, he's gone.
His name is Collin.
We will discuss with my OB where we go from here.
I cannot believe this has happened again - he was perfect on Wednesday and now he's perfect in a totally different way than I had imagined. I wanted this baby more than you'll know. I'm wrestling with a whole bunch of different things right now so please forgive the short and blunt post.

Never Simple...

I often wish I could be one of those happy-go-lucky pregnant women but it's never simple. It's been more than a day now since I've heard this baby's heart tones and it's certainly not for lack of trying. This does not make me happy or optimistic at all and I'm pretty cried out at this point from sadness, frustration and anger. On top of it, my house is a mess and that makes me even more stressed out. I called my OB's office but they can't (or won't) see me until Monday morning at 8:45 am. That really doesn't help at all. The triage nurse did suggest that I just go ahead and go to the ER "for peace of mind". I don't call it peace of mind, I call it a diagnosis but again, it's never simple. I hope and pray that this little guy is just hiding out but given my history, it doesn't feel good. At all.

I came across a quote today and I wish I could give credit where credit is due, but I can't find who said it. It basically said "Every day we are given a piece of the puzzle, but only God has the box top." Ain't that the truth?

Anxiety...

The 2nd trimester is when most people get to relax and start to really dive into the pregnancy and baby plans.

Me?

Nope, anxiety has crept in, full force. You would think that with such a great scan the other day I would be a bit more calm but I'm not. I let myself get a little bit excited and started looking at baby stuff on-line the other day and now I'm feeling stupid for doing so. I went to check on baby's heart beat and mine is pounding so hard and so fast that I can't find his which, of course, leads to even more anxiety. He has been hiding out under one of my main uterine arteries lately, and he's hidden before but I am more anxious about it this time, by far. I also know that there's nothing I can do about it either way so my best option is prayer. I have an appointment with my OB on Wednesday so I'll know more then. But even then, I'll only know for that time being.

It's one of those places that you'll never know unless, sadly, you've been here. I'm sure there are people thinking "just relax, it's fine!" well, those people can't know that for sure can they? Anyway. I can tell you that I will be praying for lots of peace, for this little guy and for God to keep His hand on us. There's always this part of me that can't help but wonder if I'm going against God's will for our family by trying so hard to get, our wanted, baby number three here. I don't know. I was really hoping that 2009 would help bring a new feeling of hope and healing. Instead, it seems to be full of anxiety.

Hello 2009!

...and good riddance to you 2008! Don't get me wrong, I know that 2008 gave me a path that I was obviously supposed to travel but that doesn't mean this has been my favorite year as a whole, that's for sure. WOW! I have so much to catch up on. It's been a busy week so hang with me while I try to recap.

First, Happy Birthday to my baby girl who turned 5 today! We spent her birthday with my parents, my brother and his girlfriend. We went to see The Tales of Despereaux, out to a very yummy lunch and then came home for presents, cake and ice cream. I felt a little bad since I didn't plan much in advance at all. In fact, I didn't even know what I was going to do for her cake until I thought to ask her while we were driving through Spokane on our way to Montana. I usually have everything planned out at least a month in advance but I was pleased with how everything did come together and she says she had a great day! It's so hard to grasp how fast the time flies. She wasn't in the mood for pics today so I wasn't going to fight it, but here are a few:

And Karleigh 5 years ago...

Now, back to where I left off. We got to enjoy the first white Christmas in 13 years in Billings. That seems hard to believe doesn't it? But there was plenty of snow for the kids to enjoy and for me to be cold. It's funny with the snow there, you just have to take they meteorologists word for it when they tell you how much snow there is because the wind blows so much and it drifts in all sorts of various depths. The temperature finally got up to about 20 on the day after Christmas so the kids were able to get out and enjoy the snow without fear of instant frost bite!

Obviously, we made it home from Montana in one piece. The trip home felt very long too but not as bad as the trip going. Let's see, first we left the Billings area and the sun was shining, it was beautiful with a nice clear day and roads not too bad, ahead of us.

At Livingston, the freeway was closed due to extreme high wind conditions leading to a ground blizzard. If you look closely at the pic below, you can see where someone ran smack into the road block with their windshield. We saw a car with a destroyed windshield parked in front of the emergency vehicles. It wasn't until we looked at our pictures that we noticed that the arm was broken and were able to put two and two together.

At this point in the trip it started snowing again, hard. And, it was big, heavy, fast accumulating flakes since it was 26 degrees. We got back to Jim's aunt and uncle's house for a very relaxing evening.

Leaving Missoula we hit the road at about 9 am mountain time. We thought we were doing well until we actually got into Missoula and stopped at McD's for the WORST service we have ever had anywhere and that alone (in the drive through) set us back about 25 minutes. The roads were wet and sloppy and it had turned to Washington snow, slush and ice. We saw more vehicles spun out in the median in the 100 miles to the Idaho border than we saw the entire rest of the trip. Nice. Now, I'll just get to the point. It should take 2 hours to get to Idaho. It took over 4. For one very simple reason. Truckers who didn't feel the need to take precautions and chain up while going over Lookout Pass. I'm sure it's a cold inconvenience for them but it's their job to try to keep them and everyone else safe. Needless to say, the roads were very slippery and once a few trucks got stopped or slowed down too much, they were stuck. Then when you have two lanes of stuck trucks, no body goes any where. We were stopped next to one trucker (who had passed us quite recklessly) and every time he moved mere inches and put his brakes on, he slid back further than he had gone forward. We spent an extra 2 hours on the pass, barely moving at all and at other times Jim just had the van in park... on the interstate. On the upside, by the time we got home, Rylan was still talking about how he got to pee in a bottle! Ah, the joys of being a boy. We had stopped at the rest stop before hitting the pass, thankfully, but it was just too long and I had no idea how much longer he would have to hold it. Anyway, once the truckers got chained up in the middle of the freeway, the traffic was able to start moving again. Once we hit the Idaho border, the roads were basically bare and wet the rest of the way. Unfortunately, Montana couldn't plow the west bound lanes um, yah, because it was jammed up with traffic!!! Catch 22 I suppose. On the bright side, the rest of the trip home was beautiful. Well, until we tried to get into our driveway but I won't get into that. I'll just say we still had a ton of snow here at the house and the snow plow pile blocking our driveway was quite large.

Looking at that sky, we knew we were in for something interesting!

The wait on the freeway was so long that someone ahead of us made the most of their time and hopped out to make a few families of snow "people" along the way!

Phew! Are you still with me? We arrived home on Sunday night so I had Monday to try to get laundry done and find a place for all the new stuff that the kids got. Tuesday afternoon my parents came down to the house. We had asked them to come a little early since we had our NT scan on Wednesday morning and of course Jim wanted to be there too, so they came to watch the kids for us and let us get our last minute birthday and New Year's Eve stuff done.

The NT scan was pretty cool. It was not offered when I was pregnant with Rylan and when I was pregnant with Eli, our insurance denied coverage for it so we didn't elect to do it. Interestingly enough, this time the insurance covered it no problem. I can't help but wonder what Eli's results would have been - if he would have appeared to be at an increased risk for a chromosomal abnormality. I won't know though. What I do know was that this baby was very cooperative and slept through most of it. Of course, we had to start all with all sorts of measurements of the cysts (yes, plural now) on my ovaries. The ultrasound tech at the Maternal Fetal Medicine office votes that the larger of the cysts is on my right ovary like the first tech reported. Good news is that they are starting to slowly decrease in size which is what they did when I was pregnant with Karleigh too. I'm not worried about them and they're not causing any pain which is a blessing. Apparently the MFM specialist asked Jim - after he sent me to the bathroom upon seeing the size of my bladder! - if I was having any pain or discomfort from them so I am very thankful that I am not.

Anyway, the scan was great. Baby totally cooperated by sleeping for the first part while she took crown to rump measurements which confirmed our original due date of July 11th, a number of nuchal measurements all ranging from 1.1mm to 1.5mm (normal being 2.5mm and below). We were also able to see the nasal bone very clearly and a heart rate of 175. After she got the measurements she did some more looking around at legs, feet, the brain, both little hands, bladder and even a perfect "money" shot. We all saw it and when I asked her if she could see she said "yes, without a doubt" and I said "and???". We saw what we thought we saw and it appears that we are having a baby boy! I am so shocked that they can even tell this early but they can and I'm really glad. We aren't buying anything until our next level II ultrasound in several weeks but I'm glad to know now. There are so many different emotions that I wasn't really expecting, that I need to work through. I am finding out that they are totally normal and that I would probably have a whole different yet equally strange set of emotions had we found out it was a girl. There's always room for him to "change" into a her (though the shot was very convincing) and we're happy either way.