Overcast and Rainy...

That's the weather. That's my mood. I don't like when I get like this because I'm really trying hard to look at the bright side, be optimistic, stand in the sun. Right now, I cannot even see the sun to go stand in it, literally and kind of figuratively. Obscure? Yes, maybe. Not so obscure... I hate dealing with my body. It is ridiculously consistent if it's anything and that consistency is in the fact that it's totally unpredictable. (read it again, it makes sense)

I have to step away from those feelings because I know it's not "right" to be angry about it and I know that God will provide in His time. At the same time, it's very frustrating. I've referred to it before as "reproductive purgatory" and that's exactly what it feels like. I am having a very hard time moving forward and dealing with whatever comes my way because nothing is coming my way. I feel like a hamster on one of those wheels running and running and running yet getting no where and when I slow down, I get whipped around and tossed aside just to get back up and start running again. Ugh, anyway, I hope I'll be able to get a little closer to Him - I obviously need that.

I'm still having to adjust my thinking. I had four months to make plans and have had less than three to adjust them to our new situation so I still have moments when I think about how great plan A is and realize that that's just not going to work, we're on to plan B. One example, pre-school for Karleigh... plan A was that Jim would take her 3 days a week on his way to work, I would pick her up. That was a great plan, not THAT much extra gas since he would already be headed that way. Well, now there's no need to purchase a van and he can't take her in the truck so that's 120+ miles on the car every week with gas headed towards $5/gallon! We wouldn't have had to get Rylan up early, but now we will which means his nap time will shift and fall just about the time I need to go pick her up and he'll fall asleep in the car so nap times will be messed up (now I do totally realize how pessimistic I'm sounding right now, don't get me wrong) I won't take pre-school away from her. She wants to go, we told her yes and she's looking forward to going and making new friends. Anyway, so today not only am I feeling like a failure for not being able to bring Eli into this world alive, I feel like I'm wrecking our financial plan, bad about the promises that I made to my daughter, oh, the list could go on but I won't go into it any more. Ack!

So, I have apparently not completely made it to the warm, sandy shore. I was feeling good for about two weeks there and was hoping that the tide had loosened it's grips but I'm back in it. I'm going to go ahead and let it take me for awhile but I'll keep my focus on the shore and hopefully be back there again soon.

Not so Bad...

So, yesterday (Mother's Day) wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. I didn't set out with any preconceived notions about what it would feel like, perhaps that helped. I didn't really think I'd be curled up "cursing" the hand I'd been dealt. I didn't think I'd be feeling sky high since I knew that I'd be aware of some of my sadness, partly due to the fact that it wasn't going to be the day that I had envisioned. It was a fine day.

Much of the day was spent cuddling on the couch with the kids. K is still feeling very under the weather and slept much of the day. R started acting "off" last night so I'm supposing that he's going to start to come down with the yuck that K has. On the upside it provides for lots of cuddle requests...

as long as the cuddling doesn't take place during an important part of a movie...

Yes, I was aware of missing Eli but it is what it is and there's nothing that I can do to change it. All that I can do is roll with the punches and make the best of what I do have which is pretty good!

Ingredients...

Ingredients for a good day:

• sleeping in


• being woken by K & R bearing Mother's Day cards


• seeing K's name printed perfectly inside the card she chose


• being told by R to "'urry up... 'uh mon!"


• being greeted by Starbucks on the dining room table


• being given a pretty pink hanging geranium (all I asked for was a hanging basket since I was considering the living room furniture a gift as well)


• so far not a single sibling squabble


• getting ready to take a bath - by. my. self!

... and it isn't even noon yet! We won't talk about the weather and how it just started hailing. And, I'm not sure I want to talk about the fact that by Thursday, it's supposed to be 95! That'll put our bodies and our garden into shock... I just checked and right now it's about 40.

Happy Mother's Day to the mommies with babies here, the mommies with babies watching down on them from Heaven and the mommies with babies waiting to join them and make them mommies...

Hummm....

I was/am curious about how I'm going to feel this weekend. I can tell I'm getting kind of "edgy" and that's not really a good thing. I am not too surprised though. I do have my two little crazies but at the same time that makes me more acutely aware of missing Eli. I find it interesting and totally aggravating when someone means well and will say something like 'well at least you have the two you have...' these well meaning people probably have never had to make cremation or funeral arrangements for a child that is no longer with them or they would realize that really, that's a totally asinine statement to make. It would be like me saying to someone who just buried their mother 'yah, but at least your dad is alive...' true statement, but it sure doesn't lessen the sting of the loss. I don't know, that's just kind of the way I'm feeling this evening. It doesn't help that the weather is not going to cooperate at all this weekend so our yard is beginning to meld with the fields and I'm not going to be able to just sit out in the yard next to Eli's garden and enjoy ourselves as our family minus one - which was the only thing I had planned for tomorrow.


K and R do certainly keep me laughing and for that I AM very grateful... Seriously, who could resist these faces?

But, now I am going to go spend some time with the family and eat some chocolate Hostess cupcakes!

Bad Bananas Gone Good...

God can take a day that could have ended up looking like this poor banana...

And turn it into a day that looks like these yummy banana milkshakes!

Score one for God and score a little one for me too. My kids are blown away by the fact that I could take something that looked so "yucky!" and turn it in to something so yummy! But I was cool like that, even if for just a moment. I received bonus points for adding the sprinkles in the pink cup for K and "HAWK-lit" sprinkles for R.

God, on the other hand is pretty awesome but we already knew that. Now, don't get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with this day... that disaster was avoided but it could have been really difficult.

This evening Jim had a softball game and I rushed the kids out the door so we wouldn't be late. I stopped at the mail box and there was a lovely little package there from a woman from R's "birth board". For those of you who don't know, I have made some of the most wonderful friends there on Baby Center... it's weird. A lot of people don't get it, but I do. Anyway, she sent me a wonderful Mother's Day card and a beautiful bracelet. Yes, I opened it while sitting in the car = I have mentioned that lack of patience thing right? As we got closer to civilization, I prayed for a red light so I could put it on before we arrived at the ball park since I rushed out of the house without any of my usual jewelry except for my wedding ring and earrings which I always wear.



When we arrived, we were met in the parking lot by a family on the team. We've known them since I was pregnant with K but a year ago they had a baby boy and this was the first time I had seen him. I had also completely forgotten that they call him Eli... as I recall his first name is Elias but he now clearly goes by Eli. I began to remember this little fact as we pulled into the driveway but I began to question my memory and thought that maybe my brain was making something out of nothing. As I put on my best 'happy face' to introduce the kids, I found myself grabbing my wrist every time his mom said his name. It was the most bizarre thing. At the same time it was comforting to hear his name over and over and over again, yet it also felt like a dagger through my heart each and every time. I was hoping that K wouldn't say anything - she did look at me for a moment but just let it go - phew. Anyway, tonight this bracelet was a total sanity saver by helping to keep me focused. It was really tough not to get weepy while watching R be the big boy with their little Eli, sharing, talking to, rubbing his arm when he got upset... THAT is exactly why I get sad about losing our Eli... it's the things that he would have added to our family that I feel cheated out of. However, God always puts the right people in our lives at just the right time.


Not only is this woman very thoughtful but she is the type of friend who gets me... in her card was this verse:

John 16:22

You have pain now; but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice and no one will take your joy from you.

The verse is actually Jesus speaking to his Disciples, prior to being sentenced to his crucifixion, but is holds so true for anyone who believes and the fact that He did die on the cross makes the verse ring true for all of us. Thank you.

A Second Post!?!

I was blog wandering again and came across this list that I will have to admit, I've never seen before! I thought it was pretty funny... not sure if it's just because it's been one of those days but I thought I'd share since I know many of you who read this have some sort of tie to the PNW. Enjoy!

The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)... actually, it's the Rhododendron... full disclosure, this was last May - you know, when everything wasn't a month behind because of all the snow!

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement 'sun break' and know what it means. ...we are currently experiencing one right now!

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee. ... and you make your daughter happy by referring to her drink as "pink coffee"

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the 'WALK' signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain. ...taken from our driveway circa 1980

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Tully's.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette. ...and now you have the "Do the Puyallup!" jingle stuck in your head.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while only working eight-hour days. ...and your kids get concerned for daddy's job when he starts coming home and it's still light out.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by 'Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,' and 'Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers.'

17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover. ...and so can your two year old.

20. You notice, 'The mountain is out' when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.

22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.

26. You measure distance in hours. ... yup, my parents live 2 1/2 hours away, I have no idea how many miles that is.

27. You often switch from 'heat' to 'a/c' in the same day. ...that is if you are in the minority and have a/c.

28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat. ... or over 3 layers of footy jammies

29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, (Winter), Still Raining (Spring), Road
Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).

Like a Tree...

Jeremiah 17:7,8

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; it's leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."



Clearly this is the reason that I have been able to walk this walk with very little bitterness and anger. I cannot imagine any other way - and I don't need to, I know. It's pure and simple and so much easier than without Him. I have found that, just like the scripture above states, I find myself reaching for the "water" and the "sun" and when I do I become stronger and more deeply rooted. It's very comforting.



My days aren't all sunshine and lollipops and feathering my nest with pretty little things while having deep spiritual healing but all things are easier because of Him. Today is a perfect example of a normal day:

• Little Miss is "sick as a puppy" in her words, stuffy, croupy, feverish and basically permanently attached to the sofa for the last 48 hours


• 70 year old neighbor lady stopped by to invite me to a community club meeting at her house tomorrow (won't be going - see above), to chat about new neighbors who have two young children and then rapidly began asking questions about when/if we're going to log, if the new survey markers are "ours", etc. etc. Told her I had no clue as the county can't seem to get the forest land/agriculture/what ever it is, paperwork right at this point. Conversation is crazy difficult as she's VERY hard of hearing - I'm still in my pj pants and a sweatshirt, she's already been down to the old school house to weed!


• Little R has a wicked arm (good), uses it to throw toys at sick sisters head (bad) and rarely misses (really bad)


• Little fluffy cat brought 'token of love' and I have no idea what kind of rodent it is... but you can bet I took a picture - discovered rodent on sidewalk when said neighbor had to step over it. She thought it looked like a mole - it's so not a mole, it looks to me more like a small ferret (not kidding) UPDATE: after calling my dad and sitting in front of Google images, I determined that the rodent was not a rodent after all... it was a WEASEL!!!


• Received the parts for the lawnmower which needed to be fixed - yay! Realized that I only ordered enough parts for ONE side - boo!

So, you see, there is a great deal of "normal" that occurs here but trust me, you don't want me to write about every time that we find a weird animal on this property, I have to answer the door in my pajamas or I have a sick kiddo... or maybe you DO because even when sick, they're awfully cute. It was quite nice to see a smile a bit ago. K didn't even hang around and chat when the neighbor stopped by today - that will tell anyone who knows her, how yucky she feels.

Anyway, it's all manageable when you're like a tree planted by the water...