I've Learned...

Things I think I learned this weekend - in no particular order:

• less is more when it comes to a lot of things
  
• the weather in the Pacific Northwest is crazy


• I have two really good kids


• I may be doing a really good job at pretending that everything is ok


• I require a lot of sleep to be "with it"


• the Grand Caravan moved way down on our list of possible new vehicles


• I don't have a lot of patience


• my "fat" pants are too big and my "skinny" pants are too small and overall I just feel *yuck* about this body


• I'm unwilling to wait 90 minutes to eat at The Cheesecake Factory


• It is quite possible that my thoughts are even more obscure in the middle of the day!


• that I forgot how much I like that nasty canned cheese that magically squirts out of the can


• that I feel kind of like I'm slipping a little bit


• that I would have much rather have been baby shopping this weekend instead of living room shopping


• that I don't want to have to work at getting pregnant again


• that I just want Eli back and to be 25 weeks pregnant now


• that I just want to forget about all of it


• that I'm afraid that everyone is judging how I'm grieving... even me.
  
  

I also learned that less is so much more when it comes to kid toys. As soon as our company pulled out of the driveway this morning, we hauled a bunch of things down to the basement and cleaned up the playroom - yet again. This time we put quite a bit less back in. R's into his cars and Lego's and K's into coloring, drawing, writing, cutting and pasting and they both enjoy story time and puzzles. So, in an effort to prove to myself as much as anything that I did do something productive today, here's a photo of the "new and improved" playroom!

I have also decided that the last few days, where I was pulled away from myself and from my "deeper" thoughts, I ended up feeling kind of sad and lost. Today as I was reading, I came across Psalm 42:5,6 - Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Luckily, God always knows what my heart needs even before I do.

Two Months...

Two months ago we were holding and saying good-bye to Eli. Today we sat around, relaxed, went out for ice cream and carried on like life was "normal". That kind of hurts. I don't really know why because I know that "normal" is something that I have been striving for. I wish someone here, anyone, had mentioned it but then again I know that Jim is aware of the date and I have no idea what I would say if anyone else did mention it... such a place to be. In order to keep our minds off the date, Jim and I have been sketching out and discussing the layout for our living room while the kids have spent the day playing with grandma and grandpa. We have both decided that perhaps we will do what President Bush intended for us to do with our "stimulus package" and spend it. After our visit to IKEA on a fairly slow day, we were able to really mess around with the proposed set up. There's something that I think is very normal and comforting about "feathering your nest" after the loss of a baby. A regular mother would go in to that nesting mode while pregnant and I have found myself wanting to do the grief feathering too - I've done it each time so at least I expected it. Other than that, I haven't really had a chance to think about much these last few days. Good? Bad? I'm not sure yet. I'll have to wait to see how I feel in a few days.



Since I haven't had time to think about much, I'll just share a couple other photos from yesterday's outing! God's beauty is stunning...

Spruce, Sand, Surf & Snow!

We enjoyed them all! Here are a few photos of our adventures today!

First stop, Evergreen Air Museum which is home to the Spruce Goose... (which is NOT the plane behind us!)

Second stop was Lincoln City, OR - it was actually snowing on the beach when we got there!

Just before we pulled out of town the clouds parted and the sun came out for a while.

It didn't take too long for the next storm to roll in...

AND... when we got home there was plenty of snow to build a snowman!!!

Friday Night Lights...

...co-ed softball lights that is! Tonight was the first game of the season for Jim (and burrrrr! It had been snowing up at our house earlier in the day, game temp was about 40 degrees, with a breeze on top of it). Yes, I did used to play but since I was pregnant with K in '03, I have hung up my cleats. I don't like taking up a spot on the team when the last game of the night starts well after little R should be in bed asleep. And then there's the matter of child care. I refuse to be one of "those" parents that just shows up with a couple kids in tow and expects someone else to keep an eye on them. It was good to see some of our "old" friends but I also felt like I was carrying a lot of baggage with me. The team never knew about Eli and I was dreading the question of more kids - luckily no one asked... tonight. Part of me is really kind of glad about that but another part of me is kind of sad about it. I guess it's that part of me that wants the whole world to know that I'm Eli's mom and that I've labored and given birth to 3 babies... validation maybe? I don't know. It's possible that the "coach" knows. She gave me a big hug as soon as she saw me and asked me how I was. She works in the same field as Jim does and it's a very small world, so it is quite possible that she knows and I actually find some comfort in that - again, I'm not sure why though. Like much of this, I don't necessarily have a reason for many of my feelings. They just are. So, that was my inner turmoil for today.


We also went to IKEA earlier in the day and grandma and grandpa bought the kids a new art table, 4 chairs, a couple of toy hangers and a big pillow for each bed. Not a bad haul for two munchkins who already have quite a lot.

Yesterday K and R were both getting kind of "jiggy" as we say in our house, knowing that they were coming in less than 24 hours. So, what's a momma-razzi to do? We set up and took a couple of quick photos!

Karleigh at 4 1/4

Rylan at 2 1/2

(again, feeling like there should be another photo here...)

My Funny....

I don't think this entry is really going to have anything to do with anything but here it goes. Today I find myself missing my funny. When Eli died, it seems that my funny did too and that bums me out. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a totally hilarious person or anything like that - you'd certainly never find me doing stand-up. But, I'd like to think that I used to be mildly funny and even if no one else did, at least I amused myself on a fairly regular basis. I realized today that I can't remember the last time I laughed about myself or because of me. Sounds kind of odd, I'm quite sure, but I'd really like my funny back.

I think I've been fairly optimistic through this whole thing and that has helped a lot but it would sure be nice to have my funny back and I would certainly feel much more like the "old" me. I am going to have to learn to love the "new" me because there will be no going back but I'd like to recapture my funny...

On that bizarre note - we have family coming in to town for a few days so I'm not sure how often I'll be able to post something that's well thought out but I will hopefully, at the very least, have some photos to share.

A Short Thought...

This entry will probably be very short. I've been feeling very "ADD" today for no particular reason but I was able to focus enough today to take in the little things again. We are so very blessed to live where we do and all of God's creatures seemed to make themselves known to us today. A quick run down... coyotes in the early afternoon, hummingbirds all day long, hawks, rabbits and deer all crossed through the property today. Today wasn't even a particularly beautiful day by our standards. It was cold and damp, and even though we spent most of the day inside, we were still able to enjoy so much beauty!

As beautiful as we find these animals, consider Psalm 45:11 "The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him for he is your lord." We are his most beautiful and precious creation and I find that pretty cool!

A quick little video with the coyote "calling" today. I'm not sure which makes me smile more, the coyote or the toddler giggles that you'll hear!

Little Things...

Little things are sometimes big things. In order to enjoy the "little" things, I've noticed that I have to be tuned in, not checked out. It's hard for me to always be present in the moment but I'm really working at it. In this whole process, and it is a process, I'm sure there are days that would be much less painful if I could/would just check out a bit but I promised myself that I wasn't going to do that with my pregnancy and I'm not going to do it with the healing process either. I have come to learn that there is a reason for each and every encounter that I have and that for me to learn whatever lesson it is, that I have to dive in and experience it.

It's so easy to just blow past a little comment, or a little opportunity to teach my children a quick lesson, or be too busy to check in with someone... or pick up a rock in a rush and toss it and miss the tiny jewel that was perched atop it. I hate to think of all the things that I could be missing when I choose to not be present. Perhaps it's more comfortable in the short term but in the long run, who knows? God put those opportunities in front of me and I want to know that I took each one and made the best of it, or at least did the best that I could with the tools that I had available at the time.

I have certainly noticed that I am making more of an effort and having a much easier time finding God's beauty in the "simple" things. That makes me pretty happy at this point. I hope to be able to find even more beauty in the near future...

Psalm 27:4

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.