Today has been one of those days where my thoughts are very jumbled. I've been thinking a lot about several people and families and because of that, haven't made the time to really have any personal thoughts today. As I stepped in to the office while the kids were coloring I noticed the sun setting so I decided to take a photo. Then, several minutes later, the same window, same trees but the view seemed much different. I guess that's kind of how I feel about things today. They're the same but they're different at the same time.

In looking at these two photos, one is not necessarily more beautiful than the other but they are very different photos of the same thing. I guess I'm starting to sound kind of obscure. My point that I'm trying to make is change is a good thing and it's necessary. Is one way better than the other? Not necessarily, but it's life. Do I have all faith that our life would have been great with Eli in it the way WE had planned? Of course. But, I also have faith that our life will be beautiful with him in it in a way much different than we had imagined. I know that it probably seems like I keep revisiting the same ideas over and over but I have to. My grief is very cyclical and every Monday through Wednesday seems more difficult and of course it makes total sense as to why. Those are the days that I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that this is the way my life was always supposed to be. Would I have chosen this path for myself? No, probably not, but God did and considering he drew my map there's not a lot of arguing I can or should do about it. My option is to look to Him to help me and hold my hand through it...

Psalm 18:4-6

The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.

Short and Sweet Sunday...

This evening I'm going to try to keep it short and sweet. The weather report was wrong, not a big surprise - today was also sunny! I had plenty more in the yard to work on so I did... in jogging pants, a sweatshirt and sunblock on my face! I had taken the camera out "just in case" and on my way to put it back in the house a sweet little hummingbird stopped for a moment at the old feeder near the back door. I was lucky enough to get a few decent shots without scaring "him" away.

Our snow level is supposed to be crazy low again over the next few days, which explains why I still haven't added any flowers to Eli's garden yet. But I promise, just as soon as the frost danger has passed, the ground will hopefully be full of new life!

Speaking of life, tomorrow is the one year anniversary that a wonderful son, brother, uncle and friend passed into Heaven. If you would please, keep the McComb family in your prayers. I cannot imagine that losing a son after several hours, weeks, months or years would ever be easy... the time will always seem too short to those of us left behind until it is our turn.

Another Step Complete!

I spent nearly the entire day outside today. It was so beautiful! There was a breeze for much of the day and when I stepped out shortly before 9 am, it was nearly 60 degrees already. Since it was too dark last night to snap a picture of how far we got into Eli's garden project, I took one before I started anything else and then a couple more after the work was complete for today.

Here's what it looked like first thing this morning...

After about 6 hours of work that was happily interrupted by snacks, lunch, lessons about earth worms vs. grubs, beetles, butterflies and a few rides in the new wheelbarrow ...

I was able to get the entire garden edged, all the moss and grass removed - the few existing perennials were spared, I crawled around on my hands and knees removing all the larger rocks (notice the nice pile?), and added peet moss - it's very true that God provides - there were three large bales already in the barn! I say "I" because Jim had to work today so the kids played outside in their little pool, yes, it was that nice today and I worked at what needed to be done. It was so much fun turning over the ground under the new hummingbird feeder. There weren't as many out today because of the breeze but they did stop by and check it out. I'm sure in a few days the hummingbirds will really be enjoying the new feeders!

I am exhausted tonight though! (and very sunburned even with sunblock today). After I completed cutting in Eli's bed I tidied up four others in the yard and when Jim got home he mowed. The rain is supposed to be back again tomorrow so I'm very thankful that I was able to take advantage of the last few beautiful days. And, with that, I'm too tired to think of much more and I'm itching to start making my plant list, but I'll share one more photo from late this afternoon...

Digging In!

I am tired this evening! I spent most of the day with my girlfriend M outside in the sun and I have the sunburn to prove it! We talked about life and gardening and flower selection. We watched hummingbirds and hawks and crazy kids! She even brought me a stack of books and magazines to go through. They are wonderful inspiration.

As soon as she left I grabbed my tools and started digging in. Before it was dark we managed to get about half of the bed freed from the grips of moss and grass. Jim even brought home a nice new wheelbarrow (romantic huh!?) The weather is supposed to be beautiful again tomorrow so it will get finished then - not the garden, just the cutting in of the bed. We'll then move on to removing all the big rocks - because wouldn't you know it, the spot that I chose has a ton of rocks the size of salad plates! I'll come up with something creative for those though. We'll also add in some peat moss and compost and by then we should also have a good idea of which plants are going to go where.

It has been decided that we'll start off with some hardy perennials like black eyed Susan's, Shasta daisies, phlox, salvia and so on. I am so very excited as many of these items are also supposed to be in bloom right around what would have been Eli's due date. It feels really good to get out there and work on it plus, I'm really happy with where we've chosen to place it. Even with it only half way in we can tell it's going to fit with what we envisioned.




Also, as a big bonus... I found out today that not only did my friends who sent me the box yesterday send all of those wonderful items, they also made a donation in Eli's memory to A Small Victory. I highly encourage you to check out this non-profit. It was started, here in Washington, by a wonderful woman who lost her daughter before she really got to meet her. The grief kits that she provides to families are so wonderful. It's quite comforting to have something to remember your baby by and it keeps you from leaving the hospital completly empty handed. She was also instrumental in the decisions that we made when we delivered Eli as she walked me through the options that she would have chosen if she had to do it again. Like I said, I have some wonderful women in my life that I am so very thankful for...

Gifts...

... in the literal sense today. I've talked a lot about the gifts that God has given me in my ability to cope with losing Eli. I've talked about the gift of friends that have held my hand through it and allowed me to talk and cry when I need to. I know that I have also talked about how a great number of these friends I have never been able to give a real, live hug to because they are spread all over the country - world really.


Well, today I was surprised by a box from that big brown truck that always seems to deliver something cool. Today it was a real, literal gift from those real friends that I am so very thankful for. They know about the garden that we are working on for Eli. Many of them read every day and secretly got together. When I grabbed the box I saw that it was from PA... and I knew that inside would be something wonderful. The mommies from R's birth board are just incredible women. So, without wasting any more time, here are the photos of the incredibly thoughtful gifts that they sent.

This garden angel is the first thing I saw when I opened the box...

Karleigh was standing with me and said "Oh mom, it looks like Baby Eli, that'll be perfect in his garden!" She then saw me crying and said "What's the matter... don't you like it? --- I'll take him!" I told her that no, I was very happy and I have very good friends.

The package also included a couple of beautiful, hand blown glass hummingbird feeders. I had just told Jim yesterday that we needed to get the food out in our old feeder. The air was full of sweet little hummingbirds yesterday. Some were zooming past and we could only hear them, some zipped past and slowed down as they stopped at the cherry plum tree and several even stopped to rest in the tree so we could see them and hear their tiny chirps.

I didn't get the best shot of this one... it stakes into the ground and has a pretty purple reservoir with a red glass flower insert.

The one hanging in the tree (and the umbrella/ant catcher goes the other way... oops!) is also blown glass with the red inserts. Each of the reservoirs are a really pretty aqua color and this one will hang above where the flowers will be planted. It is so perfect!

This is a close-up of the adorable glass inserts...

There was also a card and these beautiful hand made items. It's a key chain for Jim and a bracelet for me with stones to represent Eli's special dates. It's so nice to have something to have with us at all times and knowing that they were made especially for me warms my heart.

My heart has always known that these ladies are my friends. It's hard for some people to understand the relationship that we have but my heart is overflowing this evening. Thank you again, I don't know what else to say. I am truly touched.

The Right Tools...

Today we headed out for a full day of yard work which was wonderful. Now, you may be thinking "where's the sarcasm warning?"... there isn't one. It was great! First, it was a refreshing change for me to get out there and actually work. It seems that it did take the full six weeks as I had been warned, to physically start feeling energetic again. Second, it didn't pour down rain. In fact it was kind of sunny for part of the day. Third, the reason for the yard work was in preparation for getting Eli's flowerbed in. It may be hard to tell from this photo of today's result but we made a ton of progress.

As you can probably tell from this shot, the rain this evening ultimately chased us inside but it held off for the majority of the time that we were out there. Some day I'll have to snap a photo from the lower left hand corner of this photo. There are lots of little flowers that are popping up along that hillside. It would appear that my great grandma had used the same area for a flower garden at some point and there are things that keep growing. I even uncovered what could easily be an old gravel foot path. I'm really excited to see how the tiny flowers do now that we have tons of the blackberry bushes off of them and we'll consider them a bonus. It was probably a pretty funny sight, Jim and me yanking at bushes and trees while tip-toeing around tiny violets, lambs ears, trillium's and others that are currently nameless to us. To add a bit more "proof" that there really was a ton of stuff removed from the area in the photo...

... that's Jim contemplating the plan of attack for the start of today's burn pile (and see! It was sunny!)

Now, if you have ever doubted my "redneckedness"... I will go ahead and tell you that I like to control a burn pile more than just about anyone you may ever meet. In our family it isn't a burn pile without a leaf blower to make it burn faster and hotter, a pitch fork to pile everything back on quickly, a chain saw to keep the pile shaped just right for maximum burning efficiency, a few secret ingredients and the trusty garden hose for "just in case". We're crazy, not stupid! Two safely napping kiddos was the icing on the proverbial cake today. I'm a fan of "manning" the leaf blower and shaping the pile while Jim continues to use the chain saw to add more to the pile. He finally asked me why it is that I never use the chainsaw. You would think, being the daughter of a former logger and now living on a timber farm that the chainsaw would be one of my most important tools... it is, as long as someone else is running it! Jim asked if I was afraid of it - not the case, it's just too loud, that's all.

Anyway, the point of all this slightly mindless drivel is that it is much easier to accomplish the task at hand with the right tools. Many days I have wandered outside to attempt just parts of this same project... with hand clippers, shorts and flip flops, certainly not the right tools and of course I wasn't successful. Today, the two of us (even with one set of eyes on the kids at all times) with the right tools, were able to handle so much more. I truly believe that the only reason that I have been able to handle/deal/heal through losing Eli is that I have the right tools. I have a great support system of friends and family and most importantly, I have an intact belief system. A system that was rather viciously and ignorantly attacked just a year ago. However, that attack only made my beliefs stronger, sorry devil, nice try though. It's certainly nice to know where those tools can be found and that He is with me no matter what!

More Rain...

Today was full of more rain in various forms from torrential downpours, to tiny sprinkles with the sun shining through, to the grey steady thump of pounding hail and back again. It's ok though. As it has been said, "it takes a lot of rain to make the grass so green." So, bring it on!


I continue to sit in this weird place of limbo right now. I want time to hurry up, I want to move on, I want to heal more (hello, physical healing... I'm ready for that). I know what the emotional healing is like and I know that it does get easier. Though there will always be a scar, the wound will heal. At the same time I want everything to slow down. I don't want to watch my life race past me even if I am a very willing participant.


Daily, I think about Eli and how his short life continues to impact mine. I often spend so much time talking about how great it is when something, understandably "good" happens. I admit that I also spend time fretting about those things that would normally be considered "bad" - disease, yucky weather, death (in no particular order). It turns out, that God has a plan and it can't all be lollipops and unicorns - because let's face it with that much sugar and that much unicorn hair... well, I'm sure you can picture it. There's a delicate balance that God has put in place and I have to embrace it, the good and the bad. I have to believe that there is a much greater reason that Eli came in to our lives even beyond "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away." I have stopped praying for sunshine, started welcoming the rain and whatever makes this soil rich.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.