Great and Small...

... the snow covered them all!

It was quite the surprise this morning to hear little R yelling "Momma! Momma! Snow! Shoes! Snow outside!" So, I wiped the sleep from my eyes, peeked out and yes, we were covered in more Spring snow. Before I knew it, they were both downstairs throwing on their Crocs. Forget boots, apparently this Winter made them tough, and they both flew out the door. So, being the laid back (lazy?) momma that I am, I figured it wouldn't cause any permanent damage to let them play in their pj's. Plus, I figured, the less they were wearing would be directly related to the amount of time that I would have to stand out there shivering.

Sure enough, my plan worked! Within about 7 minutes, K decided she was cold and proceeded to beg me to let her go back in the house.

However, R wasn't cold yet or even thinking about heading back inside so the chase ensued around the house. When he tried to climb the slide, unsuccessfully, he too finally decided that he had had enough. No harm, no foul and every one was happy.

Psalm 212:1-2

I lift up my eyes to the hills-

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

Today has been an enjoyable day. It has been fun and full of laughs, of running and jumping in the snow and cuddling on the couch to warm up. Thank you Lord, for this Spring snow!

Like The Weather...

... in the Pacific Northwest, my emotions, that is. Seriously, it's nearly April and I snapped these photos today around noon and no, it's not rain... it's SNOW! I guess it just goes to show, even the weather is allowed to do some wild swinging back and forth. So, I'm okay with allowing myself to do the same thing. I know that yesterday I wrote about being tired, exhausted really. Last night I slept about 12 hours straight, thanks to Jim having today off, and it felt good but I'm still tired. I think that physically I'm just needing to catch up to where my mind is and that's part of my problem.

When you bring home a live baby you're supposed to give yourself about 6 weeks before you start to feel like your "normal" self again. It's only been 5 weeks since we said both "hello" and "goodbye" to Eli. It's slightly comforting to know that this wound is still very fresh even though at many times, it feels like it was in another life time. I think my body has FINALLY caught on to the fact that we don't have a live baby to care for, my head has known for a while and my heart will always know that someone is missing.

A Brick Wall...

It seems that today could be summed up with this photo that I "borrowed" from the great world wide web. I have felt today as though I'm trying to climb this wall, that I'm talking to this wall, that I'm trying to see thorough this wall... it's just not working.

I'm exhausted physically and that takes a mental toll. I see a ton of things around me that I want to do but I know I don't have the ability to finish some of them and the "sinking funds" to finish others. Derailing our family budget would not be a wise thing. It would not help me feel any better at all. So, now I get to try to climb this wall or break through it. I know I can, and will, do it but today is just one of "those" days where the tide is moving in quickly. There's really no particular reason for it today. It just is.

I know that I can handle it, that there are far worse things that I could be dealing with right now, but many times I wish it was just a steady curve of growth and healing instead of this crazy wonky thing that currently looks like the Stock Market graphs. *sigh* The great thing is that tomorrow is a new day. And to quote a lovely movie (Meet The Robinson's) I just need to "Keep Moving Forward..."

This song was something that I clung to when I first found out about my pregnancy with Eli... now it carries the same meaning, just in a totally different perspective.
Don't forget to pause the music on the play list to your right before watching the video.

Here are the lyrics for you if you don't know the song:

Let it go,

Let it roll right off your shoulder

Don't you know

The hardest part is over

Let it in,

Let your clarity define you

In the end

We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made

In these small hours

These little wonders,

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away,

But these small hours,

These small hours still remain

Let it slide,

Let your troubles fall behind you

Let it shine

Until you feel it all around you

And I don't mind

If it's me you need to turn to

We'll get by,

It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made

In these small hours

These little wonders,

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away,

But these small hours,

These small hours still remain

All of my regret

Will wash away some how

But I can not forget

The way I feel right now

In these small hours

These little wonders

These twists & turns of fate

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away but these small hours

These small hours, still remain,

Still remain

These little wonders

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away

But these small hours

These little wonders still remain

Hope Does Not Disappoint...

Easter left-overs provided a bit for me to think about today... I love Easter eggs for their color, their beautiful outside designed to look just the way I want. In order to get into the egg and reach the nourishment, I have to crack the outside of that beautiful shell and discard it. However, once the broken shell is tossed in the garbage or set aside, there are still marks on the inside of the egg... proof of the boiling and coloring that the egg has been through.

I guess it's kind of obscure but my point is, no matter how much I might want to discard and hide what I've been through, every trial leaves a bit of "color" on my soul and that's a beautiful thing. I have to remind myself to be thankful for all that I've gone through.

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God had poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

Romans 5:3-5

Happy Easter!

~The great gift of Easter is hope~

May this Easter Sunday find you full of hope, joy and the promise that He made.

Luke 24:6

"He is not here, but is risen"

A "Normal" Saturday!

Today was a great, normal, Saturday! For the first time in over a month, I didn't feel like I was pretending to really, truly, be ok. I'll never be the same but that's fine with me if the new me gets to have many more days like today. We played outside in the sun with bubbles, Frisbees, and ran through the fields. It felt great to get outside and breathe in the fresh air in preparation for (a rainy) Easter Sunday.

I actually felt like a "normal" person today and that was excellent. My mom and dad (& the dog) came down for the weekend and we had our "big" dinner tonight. There were a few times that I bumped into the stove and sink while making dinner and I thought about how my tummy would have been sticking out and in the way even more if I was still pregnant with Eli. It did feel, once or twice, that the calender next to the stove was taunting me. I could still slightly see the erased weeks that had been written down before but I kept it together and kept everything in perspective. I know God has a great plan for our family and I'm excited to so how it unfolds!

Good Grief...

... really, it's been good grief.

I am so thankful that I can be at a point where I feel ok with the grief. I will never not miss Eli but I'm ok with that and in fact, that makes me happy.

However, in being ok with missing him, I feel like somehow I am failing his memory. That first week, I thought for sure that I would be a blubbering mess. I was. I decided that I needed to get a grip on everything that I was going through and that it was ok to feel every emotion under the sun, all at the same time, and that provided some healing. Now that I feel like I'm really keeping my head above water, that somehow makes me sad too. Good grief...

I know I'm not really failing Eli and I think about him just as much as I did the day he was born, it's just in a different context and with different emotions. I need to be okay with the 'good grief.' Luckily, I think I'm getting there. Having Spring under way is helping, I'm sure. It's much easier to look out the windows and see even more signs of life than were there last week instead of the alternative. Hopefully soon we'll be able to start on the flower beds and that too will be therapeutic. Until then, I'm getting outside - between the rain and hail storms - to ponder the future and coincidentally, was visited by another hummingbird today as I stepped out for a quick breath of fresh air! Just a fleeting visit that still leaves a smile on my face - just like my son...