Seven hundred thirty (and a half) days

Two years ago it was all ending.
Or starting.
I guess it depends on how you look at it.

Today was freakishly not unlike February 17th, 2008. Sunny, clear, and almost warmish. Honestly, I've been trying to not really think too much about the day. It's such a strange juxtaposition thinking about where I was 2 years ago, knowing that Eli was not going to be the happy ending that we were just assuming he would be, while little Miss Stella rocks and rolls all day long. Frankly, the last two days her movements haven't just been reassuring, they've been downright painful so there's no chance of me being concerned for her immediate well-being. I hope she continues to let me know she's here to stay over the next few days.

I haven't taken the time to really think about the path that's behind me or the one that's ahead of me. Most days it's really just a case of, it is what it is. I've made some unbelievable new friends, lost some who I thought were friends and reconnected with some "old" friends. All changes that have been a real blessing. Of course there are a few rock-solid, not going anywhere no matter what friends too.

My mind doesn't wander to "why me".
I don't sit in a constant state of feeling sorry for myself.
I do feel very blessed to be pregnant with this little girl.

I would love to say it's been a happy-go-lucky time. I can't. I've been stressed ...and scared ...and edgy ...and a bit detached. I've been trying though. On the other hand I've also found it really hard to complain about the extreme pain in my lower back, the acid reflux, the exhaustion, the shots to my nether-regions, the Braxton-Hicks contractions every night and the kicks, stretches and punches that make me grimace. I know that in a short time, this will all be a distant memory replaced by a different view along the path.

I'm pretty certain that had there been a choice in the matter, this isn't the way I would have chosen everything to play out. However, that wasn't up to me (of course) and I'm not bitter about it. I'm actually really ok with it. Not in a "Yay! Dead babies!" kind of way but in just a sense of peace about it way. Sure I have days that I still think about what it might be like with an 18 month old little guy running around right now but that's not my reality. My reality is something different on the horizon and it usually brings be an overwhelming sense of peace.

And I think that's a good thing.

And certainly not what I expected to be able to say seven hundred thirty days ago...