Eli's Birthday (part 1)

What am I supposed to do with this day?
Say?
Think?

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

I know, without a doubt, that there are people who think that I should just be done with "it". It being my babies that were very much wanted and loved - dreams that were rearranged and lives that were turned upside down. I will never be over it. My heart will always skip a beat when I hear one of my kids' names over a loud speaker in a store, or on TV, or in casual conversation. Eli has been gone a year now and Collin has be gone for 6 weeks. On the bright side, I have a handful of women supporting me and who understand what a fickle thing this is. If I want to laugh, that's great. If I find myself crying for "no reason", that's ok too. I feel like I must be a stronger person than I ever thought I could be but I certainly don't feel like it.

This is a birthday with no invitations, no balloons, no gifts wrapped in blue paper, no party, no candle, no cake, no little guest of honor, just the memory of a sweet little boy who we miss every day. The only birthday gifts are those that Eli's presence in my life has given me. Because of him I have learned so much and been given 'something' that not many people get to experience. This last year has taught me a lot about myself. I'm not going to get into all the things that I have learned because that can get pretty personal, and that's saying something considering how open I am here. The bottom line is that I have, obviously, learned that I can handle so much more than I thought I could and it didn't kill me. I'm still waiting to feel the 'makes me stronger' part but I know it's just under the surface.

There are so many thoughts going through my head this morning that I'm going to have to stop now but I'll be back, I'm sure, this evening after I've had a chance to get outside, soak up some winter sun next to Eli's garden, just 'be' and pray. And on that note, Lacey sent me an email the other day with this poem in it. I was surprised that it's one that I'd never read before...

I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would.
I'm sure he would want you to know that he loved being a part of your lives even though brief.
He remembers the belly rubs, soothing sounds of your voices, and the adrenalin of wanting him so badly.


I'm sure if he could, he'd tell you..he's with you forever.
He will remember you both in his own angelic way, watching over you, holding onto your souls with his little hands and never releasing.
He's all around you, touching your thoughts and hugging your memories.
He smiles and laughs to comfort you each day you feel sad.
He's happy for your strength and needs your hope to help him fly.


I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would,
For all the powerful love, for remembering him, for holding him when he was born and missing him when he became your angel.
He knows he is your combined, manifested pure love and he is your hope.


He's the light in your window, he's the hope in your heart, he's the baby angel that throws the first snowflake upon your face- his kiss to Mommy and Daddy.
Just know that the smiles on your faces help him get through his day, too, and he knows you love him, knows you miss him, and wants you to know that he's watching over you both.
If he could tell you..I know he would.

~Melanie Johnson Isayev