Unbelievable...

I don't even know where to start with this one. You would think that I would because it's not like it's something new. Anyway, we managed to get pregnant again this last cycle. I found out a week ago with a simple home pregnancy test. I waited a couple of days and then had my doc request my blood test which came back nice and positive. It came back right above the average of what you would expect to see. I also requested a follow-up because really, a series of these tests are the only way to get a fair indication of "health". This morning I went in for my second draw and instead of doubling in last the 48 hours as it should have, it went down some. So, in simplest terms: yes, I am pregnant as I write this but I should be in the midst of my 6th loss just in time for Rylan's birthday party.

I felt so good about this one and am even surprised myself at how poorly I'm handling it this time. The edd would have been my birthday (which now feels like such a bummer), my fortune cookie the other night said "your lucky number for the week is nine" not that I believe in that but I thought it was cute... I guess maybe a lucky, happy 9 days, and lets not forget all the praying that I have done and the fact that I was just told that I'm at no greater risk for another loss than the next person. It's just feels so unreal to know that there were so many people praying for this pregnancy (there were a few people that I wanted to touch base with first before I put it all out here) and unless some crazy wonderful miracle happens, it just doesn't matter.

My heart aches for a third child but it's breaking right now. I don't know how much more I'm willing to put myself and my husband through. This is most likely going to be our third loss since Eli died. Four dead babies in less than 8 months - gee, not a great track record. I think I remember Jim saying something about "three more times max" but I don't know. We'll have to talk about it if I can. I'm feeling the sadness, and the anger, and the bitterness about this whole situation and that is not a good thing.

Anyway, that's what's going on. I'm glad that the majority of the birthday shopping is done because I think it's going to take some time to drag me out from under this one. I cannot help but start to wonder what in the world I have done to deserve this. It felt so right to me, this was going to be our miracle rainbow baby... unbelievable.