The Process of Thought...

My brain is, at times, a bit of a detriment to me. However, it's predictable if nothing else. As if on cue, I have been questioning where I am really going to go from here. I'm not even sure where 'here' is anymore. Of course the questioning and the doubts always creep in after I have started taking the meds for the month. I do fully believe that some of that is a side effect of the medicine (I'm noticing the routine) so I have to take the thoughts with a grain of salt but they are still there.

The thoughts range from "why do you keep doing this to yourself?" to "you're not going to get another baby until you're a better mom". Then there is the "if God wanted you to have another baby, you would..." or "just be thankful for the two that you have". There are also the thoughts of how tired I feel now, will I be able to handle the exhaustion that comes with another infant? Of course I attribute much of my exhaustion to the current events and not the having two kids. But... the doubts are there and I hate it.

I have decided, for now at least, that I'm not going to do too many more tests and try to follow the 'what will be, will be' route. I"m also going to try to remember what Romans 8:18 says: For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. - thanks "K" for reminding me of that. I am to a point where I think that I would decline any surgeries that would be necessary to correct any damage so I don't really see the point in having the tests done. That, at least, is some progress in the thought process. I don't know if I'm going to give myself a time limit or a loss limit or set any more limits or goals for myself and I'm not going to at this point. Even though it took years to get our first baby, for some reason I didn't think that this would be so difficult. And yet, I know some are wondering why I want to even have a third child. Just a couple months before we got pregnant with Eli I had almost talked myself into being ok with "just" having two children. However, after planning and looking forward to having three, I still feel like my 'job' isn't finished. And even as perfect as one boy and one girl is supposed to seem... it just doesn't feel complete. I know that another baby will never replace Eli and that's not what I'm looking to do. I know that the emotional scars will always be there, I still think about my losses before the kids were born so I know that it won't go away but I do want our family to feel complete. I'm just afraid that I'm being too stubborn about doing it on my terms.

I need to find some peace and clarity on this subject...