Been A While...

I know... it was brought to my attention tonight that I haven't posted anything in basically a week. I've been avoiding blogging and doing a lot of thinking. Long story short, I have come to find myself in a place where I'm thinking that for my mental and physical well being, I'm not going to be able to continue on the path of so desperately trying to add to our family. It is certainly a decision that hasn't come without tears and headaches and an insane amount of sadness and feelings of defeat. For someone as type A and driven by planning as I am, this is a really hard place to find myself. But harder? Is knowing that I'm letting all the great things that I do have slip past without enjoying them like I should.

The time that I have invested this go 'round isn't nearly as long as it took for us to get pregnant with Karleigh - that was over a 4 year process, start to delivery and it's bee "just" 8 months since I delivered Eli. So, yes I know that patience is a virtue but what's different is getting pregnant was more our problem than staying pregnant when you look at it from all angles. Achieving a pregnancy with Rylan was a virtual piece of cake, medicated for 2 months and we were good to go. And now, well, something seems different and it feels like a much steeper mountain to climb to get the the point of having a third, live child. And of course that has to do with 4 sucker punches in a relatively short period of time.

I'm not giving up but I'm also not going to, at least for the next several months, strive towards adding to our family with such force. Letting go and letting God, as it is so frequently said. I want to enjoy the upcoming holidays and the added stress of trying to conceive does not add to the joy that I want to experience. The fact of the matter is we won't be preventing either but my pregnancy with Eli is the only one that happened without medical help so I don't expect anything out of the ordinary to happen. Of course, I'm always open to the option of a miracle but once this month is over, I'm done. At least for some time. It's not like I'm stopping because I feel like I'm too old or it's costing too much. It's just too much mentally, and physically it also seems that the medication is not getting along with my body near as well as it did in the past.

So, that's where I'm at right now. Of course, this month I have been medicated so there's no sense in wasting it but beyond this I need a "time out". A time out to enjoy the kids, my husband and everything around me without living my life in two week increments, cycle days, temps and blood draws. I need to regain control over my body and my mental state. Who knows what my next few projects will be. Yard work is pretty much out of the question due to the weather and the house is pretty much under control so maybe the basement? Or organization? And certainly more time to enjoy just being. Hopefully...