I hesitated, at first, to use the term "birthday" but that's what it is. The emergence and separation of offspring from the body of the mother. I know that a lot of "us" get caught up on what to call it, but by definition, although we expected it to be in July, this is his birthday.
Yet, there are no balloons to tie to his chair. No cake to decorate. No candles to blow out. No presents to unwrap. No crazy sugar hyped three year old little guy running around. No FB wall full of Happy Birthday! posts - one lone "I'm thinking of you", love filled message. And? Even though we have his beautiful little sister, my heart still aches to know him.
On the outside, it's a day just like any other. The weather was exactly the same as it was three years ago as I crumpled in pure, raw, grief. In my heart, it's not just another day. It's his day. I'm not at a point where I can look to this day as being "OK" or "joyful" or even just "devoid of emotion." But I have peace. This day, three years ago, changes were well under way. Changes that would totally alter life as I knew it. Some people walked out of my life. Some ran. Others quietly tiptoed in and have stayed through everything.
The rawness, the extreme physical and emotional pains have subsided like a low tide leaving the thick, foot weighing mud behind, all the while revealing the rare beauties that not everyone gets to experience. He (and the others) were a necessary part of my journey. A journey that I've never walked alone even when it felt very lonely.
“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12
And tomorrow will be the first day of the next year...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Linger a little longer
My last handful of posts here have been real downers. Sorry about that. The rest of everything else is pretty swell but I do fully admit to running here to get the ookies off my chest. Instead of stuffing it, I get it out and then I'm able to move forward. It really isn't a bad thing.
Cheap therapy.
Also cheap therapy? This kid.
We are all crazy in love with her and her personality just cracks me up. She has cruised right into my favorite age which is from about 9 months to 18 months (but don't tell the big kids that. Though it was my favorite age with them too.) She has figured out how to make us laugh. She finds things hilarious, which makes us laugh... which makes her laugh even more.
Tonight, while nursing her before bed, she could. not. stop. giggling. Which gave herself the hiccups.
And then she promptly spit-up on us, totally startling herself.
Yah. It's been a while since that happened!
After she went to bed I noticed that tell-tale smell of baby spit-up.
And I kind of liked it.
Because this age is just a flash in the pan.
Almost to the hour, Jim and I have been together for 15 years now. It all goes so fast. So tonight, I will linger a little longer before I change my spit up sweatshirt :)
Cheap therapy.
Also cheap therapy? This kid.
We are all crazy in love with her and her personality just cracks me up. She has cruised right into my favorite age which is from about 9 months to 18 months (but don't tell the big kids that. Though it was my favorite age with them too.) She has figured out how to make us laugh. She finds things hilarious, which makes us laugh... which makes her laugh even more.
Tonight, while nursing her before bed, she could. not. stop. giggling. Which gave herself the hiccups.
And then she promptly spit-up on us, totally startling herself.
Yah. It's been a while since that happened!
After she went to bed I noticed that tell-tale smell of baby spit-up.
And I kind of liked it.
Because this age is just a flash in the pan.
Almost to the hour, Jim and I have been together for 15 years now. It all goes so fast. So tonight, I will linger a little longer before I change my spit up sweatshirt :)
Friday, February 4, 2011
It Doesn't Define Me
It really doesn't. And I shouldn't let it. Or even feel like some days it does.
(it's kind of a 'poor me' stream of consciousness post, feel free to skip it!)
I honestly don't think that many people look at me like "Oh, that's the lady who couldn't stay pregnant." Seriously, people should have way too many other things to think about than that. But yet, I can't escape that nagging feeling that that's what some people do think, especially if it's been a while since I've seen them or I don't seem them often. It's just as likely that they're thinking "I could really swear that she was skinnier last time I saw her." or "Man she looks tired." or "I wonder when she's going to finally get a hair cut because what she's got going on now is just not working." or "You would think that her kids would behave better." or "Huh, I wonder what the paint color on that wall is." ...that one's especially possible when I feel like someone is looking right through me.
I've found myself feeling very small and insignificant and while most of the time that doesn't bother me. Sometimes it does.
And I want so desperately to fit in somewhere and feel comfortable.
That sounds pathetic.
But I don't really feel like I "fit" anywhere anymore. For entertainment's sake, I went to a website that I've used before... looked through the group descriptions for what I was hoping to find and didn't. fit. a. single. one. Really?!
I just want to be comfortable, like fall into a fluffy couch with a cozy blanket and a sweet, hot cup of coffee, comfortable.
Maybe I'm defining myself too narrowly.
Maybe I don't know how to define myself at all anymore.
Maybe I just need to get comfortable with "me".
Maybe that kind of comfortable is reserved for the most special of people and that's why it's so sought after.
Clearly, I must be having some issues. And it's that time of year again. But it's been that time of year for almost 3 years now so I should be getting used to it. And at the end of the day, I know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm not missing out on any of Stella's infancy by running all over to different places. (I was super busy when Rylan was little and, sadly, it's all kind of a blur but there was lots of - not child created - stress too)
And when I feel alone, I'm not really... half-way through writing this post my friend (like the real-life, doesn't just live in my computer type) posted this:
(it's kind of a 'poor me' stream of consciousness post, feel free to skip it!)
I honestly don't think that many people look at me like "Oh, that's the lady who couldn't stay pregnant." Seriously, people should have way too many other things to think about than that. But yet, I can't escape that nagging feeling that that's what some people do think, especially if it's been a while since I've seen them or I don't seem them often. It's just as likely that they're thinking "I could really swear that she was skinnier last time I saw her." or "Man she looks tired." or "I wonder when she's going to finally get a hair cut because what she's got going on now is just not working." or "You would think that her kids would behave better." or "Huh, I wonder what the paint color on that wall is." ...that one's especially possible when I feel like someone is looking right through me.
I've found myself feeling very small and insignificant and while most of the time that doesn't bother me. Sometimes it does.
And I want so desperately to fit in somewhere and feel comfortable.
That sounds pathetic.
But I don't really feel like I "fit" anywhere anymore. For entertainment's sake, I went to a website that I've used before... looked through the group descriptions for what I was hoping to find and didn't. fit. a. single. one. Really?!
I just want to be comfortable, like fall into a fluffy couch with a cozy blanket and a sweet, hot cup of coffee, comfortable.
Maybe I'm defining myself too narrowly.
Maybe I don't know how to define myself at all anymore.
Maybe I just need to get comfortable with "me".
Maybe that kind of comfortable is reserved for the most special of people and that's why it's so sought after.
Clearly, I must be having some issues. And it's that time of year again. But it's been that time of year for almost 3 years now so I should be getting used to it. And at the end of the day, I know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm not missing out on any of Stella's infancy by running all over to different places. (I was super busy when Rylan was little and, sadly, it's all kind of a blur but there was lots of - not child created - stress too)
And when I feel alone, I'm not really... half-way through writing this post my friend (like the real-life, doesn't just live in my computer type) posted this:
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The one where I ramble...
...because it's been so long since I've blogged here.
And I should be writing because it is that time of year (for me, at least)...
the holiday rush is over.
The decorations are put away.
The down-time after several months of back-to-school/birthday/holiday "excitement" is upon me and in the midst of it there's still the thoughts of where I was a year ago, two years ago, three years ago.
I do have to say that, of course, I am certainly much happier on this side of things. I much prefer the exhaustion of not sleeping through the night because Stella's rarely sleeping through the night as opposed to the exhaustion of lying in bed crying because of grief or nerves. And I really am OK with all that happened although there is some guilt that goes along with feeling OK. I remember lying in the ER 2 years ago and feeling so defeated. There was no WAY that I was going to try again. There was no way that I could try again. Ever. I didn't have anything left physically or emotionally.
I'm so very thankful that I got through that and over that notion!
Before I had any reason to start this blog, this time of year was when I would dive into projects. I don't know... maybe it all goes back to the fact that parenthood really started for me on January 1st, 2004 and since then, I've felt the need to have some pretty major changes going on along with the beginning of a new year. Who knows really?
As soon as the tree is taken down and the birthday paper is recycled my brain starts clicking for ways to change things. To make things more organized. To clean.
I'm home.
A lot.
And I get this need to "pretty up" the place where I spend so much time.
This year has been pretty much the same although I'm really trying to keep myself reined in, to work with what we have. Revamp. Reorganize. Reclaim. Although just 3 weeks in, I've already bought a new piece of furniture.
We've had the same entertainment center since before Karleigh was born. It was big. It wasn't our style (which has evolved over the last 10 years!). It didn't go with anything else that we have so we changed it. We downsized big time and I'm really happy with it. I also got our white furniture covers back out, washed them up and put them on. Sure, I have kids, and cats, and a dog... and I've been known to be kind of klutzy. But the bottom line is that I much prefer the look and the feel and that's what's important. And, Jim would probably say that we bought furniture with changeable covers because he KNOWS that I change my mind. A lot. And I love that he's OK with that.
It's a little thing really.
I know so many people who seem so dissatisfied with what they have, where they are, the situations that they find themselves in and oh, do they complain! It's painful to watch. I really don't want to be like that. I want to take the good and the bad and if the "bad" is something that I have control over, great, time to make some changes to it. If it's something that I can't control, then it's time to make some changes to me. It really shouldn't be that difficult.
If you can't find comfort in that, well, I don't know what to say.
And in the vein of random... I love watching Stella play with her little tea pot and love on her baby. Cracks me right up!
And I should be writing because it is that time of year (for me, at least)...
the holiday rush is over.
The decorations are put away.
The down-time after several months of back-to-school/birthday/holiday "excitement" is upon me and in the midst of it there's still the thoughts of where I was a year ago, two years ago, three years ago.
I do have to say that, of course, I am certainly much happier on this side of things. I much prefer the exhaustion of not sleeping through the night because Stella's rarely sleeping through the night as opposed to the exhaustion of lying in bed crying because of grief or nerves. And I really am OK with all that happened although there is some guilt that goes along with feeling OK. I remember lying in the ER 2 years ago and feeling so defeated. There was no WAY that I was going to try again. There was no way that I could try again. Ever. I didn't have anything left physically or emotionally.
I'm so very thankful that I got through that and over that notion!
Before I had any reason to start this blog, this time of year was when I would dive into projects. I don't know... maybe it all goes back to the fact that parenthood really started for me on January 1st, 2004 and since then, I've felt the need to have some pretty major changes going on along with the beginning of a new year. Who knows really?
As soon as the tree is taken down and the birthday paper is recycled my brain starts clicking for ways to change things. To make things more organized. To clean.
I'm home.
A lot.
And I get this need to "pretty up" the place where I spend so much time.
This year has been pretty much the same although I'm really trying to keep myself reined in, to work with what we have. Revamp. Reorganize. Reclaim. Although just 3 weeks in, I've already bought a new piece of furniture.
We've had the same entertainment center since before Karleigh was born. It was big. It wasn't our style (which has evolved over the last 10 years!). It didn't go with anything else that we have so we changed it. We downsized big time and I'm really happy with it. I also got our white furniture covers back out, washed them up and put them on. Sure, I have kids, and cats, and a dog... and I've been known to be kind of klutzy. But the bottom line is that I much prefer the look and the feel and that's what's important. And, Jim would probably say that we bought furniture with changeable covers because he KNOWS that I change my mind. A lot. And I love that he's OK with that.
It's a little thing really.
I know so many people who seem so dissatisfied with what they have, where they are, the situations that they find themselves in and oh, do they complain! It's painful to watch. I really don't want to be like that. I want to take the good and the bad and if the "bad" is something that I have control over, great, time to make some changes to it. If it's something that I can't control, then it's time to make some changes to me. It really shouldn't be that difficult.
This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you ~Hafiz
If you can't find comfort in that, well, I don't know what to say.
And in the vein of random... I love watching Stella play with her little tea pot and love on her baby. Cracks me right up!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
New Year!
I know, seriously!? Where have I been? I've been keeping up with my photo blog but I just haven't really found the time to blog here. I've thought about it. I've blogged a ton of times in my head. I just don't have the time to sit town and post anything.
It's that weird time of year for me, so pleased that Karleigh has celebrated another birthday but at the same time, knowing with each birthday that she celebrates, that's another year since Collin's heart stopped. Last year I was so thankful to be pregnant with Stella and this year, so thankful that she is with us to celebrate the new milestones. It's been a really good year for us and I'm really working on being ok with being ok with how things have transpired over the last several. I have lots more good days but they can still be peppered with anxiety and bad dreams, things are steadily improving though.
We celebrated Karleigh's birthday this weekend. It's almost hard to believe that she's seven. She seemed to thoroughly enjoy her "rainbow art party" even though she was quite tired from ringing in the New Year with us.
We also had a good Christmas at my parent's house, worked in lots of Christmas outings with the kids, sing-a-longs, lights, etc. We've had snow, colds, another ear infection for Stella... pretty much super duper "normal" stuff. It's been nice.
I'm trying to decide where I'm going to "go" with this blog. I don't know if it feels like it's doing much for me... and that pleases me. I feel guilty when I neglect it and while it helped me to really get to a place of peace (most days) I'm not sure what it would do for me now. At this point I just feel guilty for not writing. I mean, it's not like I'm making money for it, or have lots of fans/followers (such an odd concept to me). And? Considering if my New Year's Resolution could be summed up in one word, it would be SIMPLIFY... maybe I need to lock this one down, make it private or what not. I'm not going to delete it, there's too much for me to be able to do that but I just don't know. Perhaps I'll just shift over to my photo blog and get into more detail when I feel like it... decisions, decisions... none of which will be made tonight because the little Miss is awake and screaming after 3 great hours of sleep. Some day she will sleep well, I'm certain of it... I'm just getting impatient for that day... night.
It's that weird time of year for me, so pleased that Karleigh has celebrated another birthday but at the same time, knowing with each birthday that she celebrates, that's another year since Collin's heart stopped. Last year I was so thankful to be pregnant with Stella and this year, so thankful that she is with us to celebrate the new milestones. It's been a really good year for us and I'm really working on being ok with being ok with how things have transpired over the last several. I have lots more good days but they can still be peppered with anxiety and bad dreams, things are steadily improving though.
We celebrated Karleigh's birthday this weekend. It's almost hard to believe that she's seven. She seemed to thoroughly enjoy her "rainbow art party" even though she was quite tired from ringing in the New Year with us.
We also had a good Christmas at my parent's house, worked in lots of Christmas outings with the kids, sing-a-longs, lights, etc. We've had snow, colds, another ear infection for Stella... pretty much super duper "normal" stuff. It's been nice.
I'm trying to decide where I'm going to "go" with this blog. I don't know if it feels like it's doing much for me... and that pleases me. I feel guilty when I neglect it and while it helped me to really get to a place of peace (most days) I'm not sure what it would do for me now. At this point I just feel guilty for not writing. I mean, it's not like I'm making money for it, or have lots of fans/followers (such an odd concept to me). And? Considering if my New Year's Resolution could be summed up in one word, it would be SIMPLIFY... maybe I need to lock this one down, make it private or what not. I'm not going to delete it, there's too much for me to be able to do that but I just don't know. Perhaps I'll just shift over to my photo blog and get into more detail when I feel like it... decisions, decisions... none of which will be made tonight because the little Miss is awake and screaming after 3 great hours of sleep. Some day she will sleep well, I'm certain of it... I'm just getting impatient for that day... night.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
So fast
It's been over a month since I blogged here? Pathetic. Or not pathetic and a good indication that I used this blog the way that I needed to, when I needed to and now? well, my days are taken up by this cutie!
She's still awesome. We brought her home from the hospital seven months ago. She's gained almost 12 pounds since she was born. She's trying to crawl. She tries to call "kitty, kitty, kitty" but is comes out as slobbery jibberish... the same way Karleigh used to say it. She's finally happy to try some solid foods. She's still rarely sleeping through the night but waking once to nurse still. Naps are great though. She's fun and just totally sparkles. It's still crazy to look back and see how much she's changed already and how she's really starting to become her own person who's still generally happy but who also still has no in-between and when she changes attitude there's little to no warning. But we sure do love her!
Me? I'm doing better. The short version is that I did finally make an appointment with my doc. I walked out with a prescription for an antidepressant. One that has great success for PTSD since my symptoms were more consistent with that than PPD actually. And I'm not surprised.
So, I started taking the meds.
And then I stopped.
Sure, my anxiety decreased and I yelled less after just a couple days but that's because I was sleeping. Luckily, I started this at the beginning of Jim's vacation because I could not function by myself on them. All of a sudden I would get so tired that I would HAVE to lie down and sleep. So, I'm taking a different approach with St.John's Wort, various vitamins, *gasp* diet and exercise. It seems to be working and I'm very grateful for that.
It seems crazy how fast this year is going. Thanksgiving, which we're hosting here, is just around the corner and we are nearly done with all of our Christmas shopping, I've taken our family photos and the card is almost done... unless I change my mind. Again. Which I probably will. And the ideas for Karleigh's SEVENTH birthday are being tossed around. It all goes so fast!
She's still awesome. We brought her home from the hospital seven months ago. She's gained almost 12 pounds since she was born. She's trying to crawl. She tries to call "kitty, kitty, kitty" but is comes out as slobbery jibberish... the same way Karleigh used to say it. She's finally happy to try some solid foods. She's still rarely sleeping through the night but waking once to nurse still. Naps are great though. She's fun and just totally sparkles. It's still crazy to look back and see how much she's changed already and how she's really starting to become her own person who's still generally happy but who also still has no in-between and when she changes attitude there's little to no warning. But we sure do love her!
Me? I'm doing better. The short version is that I did finally make an appointment with my doc. I walked out with a prescription for an antidepressant. One that has great success for PTSD since my symptoms were more consistent with that than PPD actually. And I'm not surprised.
So, I started taking the meds.
And then I stopped.
Sure, my anxiety decreased and I yelled less after just a couple days but that's because I was sleeping. Luckily, I started this at the beginning of Jim's vacation because I could not function by myself on them. All of a sudden I would get so tired that I would HAVE to lie down and sleep. So, I'm taking a different approach with St.John's Wort, various vitamins, *gasp* diet and exercise. It seems to be working and I'm very grateful for that.
It seems crazy how fast this year is going. Thanksgiving, which we're hosting here, is just around the corner and we are nearly done with all of our Christmas shopping, I've taken our family photos and the card is almost done... unless I change my mind. Again. Which I probably will. And the ideas for Karleigh's SEVENTH birthday are being tossed around. It all goes so fast!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
October 15th
I did not forget about October 15th yesterday. I lit my candles at 7 pm. I thought about Eli and Collin and all of our other lost babies. I thought about my baby loss momma friends and their babies, some that they got to hold, some that they didn't. And I would love to name them all but nothing hurts like seeing that your baby has been forgotten so I'm going to avoid causing that hurt and hope that they all had feelings of peace and love while specifically setting aside time just for them.
But this year was much different for me. On October 15th Stella also turned 6 months old and I tried to focus a bit more on my present than my past. I had a beautiful mental image and planned to do a balloon release for my past but my present is sick and needed to go to the pediatrician for antibiotics and ear drops for a bad ear infection. An ear infection that I was told, had I waited until Monday it probably would have ruptured. I still think of what might have been every day so I guess, while it is nice to have one day dedicated to our babies, it's not a necessity for me. But I still remember...
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