Inconclusive...

That was the word that I most feared... inconclusive.

I finally mustered up the strength and courage to call my Dr.'s office and follow up on the genetic/chromosomal analysis that was done on Eli's body. They told us that they would have results in 4 weeks and since it's been almost 6, I decided to call... and wait over 3 long hours to have my call returned. Good right? Wrong. The tissue is forever listed as "failure to grow".

When I first discovered that my baby had in fact died, I was told that it looked like there was a mass on the brain. That, I had no trouble accepting. The next day I was told that it was likely a chromosomal issue. That was a slightly harder pill to swallow knowing that I would have to wait even longer but I was assured that they could run several types of tests. And now, now, I have zero answers.

There are a number of reasons as to why this could be but it doesn't really matter WHAT the reason is. I will never, ever, ever know why Eli's heart stopped beating. I will not know if it was genetic or chromosomal, if it was something that he inherited from us or a "fluke" of nature. I will not know if it was caused by a problem in my body. I will not know if any future pregnancies could be impacted the same way. It could have been collected wrong, stored wrong, tested wrong, he could have been gone too long - but I know I delivered about 46 hours after he died.

I know that there is a fine line between getting to spend time with him, after delivery, and the sacrificing of a "fresh specimen." It's kind of a yucky thing but the fact of the matter is, the longer his tiny body was at room temperature, the quicker the cells died and started decomposing. His body was not placed in the "cooler" when I was sent for emergency surgery, his body wasn't rushed away from me at any point. That's all part of the grieving process that the hospital allowed us to go through. It would have been a trade off - memories, foot prints, holding him, photos or maybe knowing his genetic make up and maybe knowing why his heart stopped and... maybe not. I am glad that we have the memories that we do. I would hate to forget what his fingers, feet or face looked like, but I'm honestly torn just a little bit. I guess a part of me feels like I was selfish about the time that we were given and that we took. However, the other part of me knows that it's selfish to also want to know what happened. Ugh... I can't have it both ways. That would have been too perfect if there could have been anything "perfect" about this situation. I just find it so crazy that they had my baby's entire body and yet, they can't tell me what happened. However, science can tell us why or how someone died 100 years ago. Frustrating.

I'm sad and frustrated and disappointed that we will never know. I was hoping that this would be the last chapter of this book but it just feels very unfinished right now. We struggled with even deciding for sure to go ahead with the analysis beyond the basic autopsy, which came out clean, and now I'm kind of regretting doing it. There is a tiny part of me that is kind of freaking out about the fact that in spending so much time - if 4 hours can be considered "so much time" - that could be the reason the specimen failed to grow. Ugh, such a place to be right now.

I know ultimately that it was and is all in God's hands. I am working on the peace that's going to be necessary to get over this hurdle but God has a history of turning impossible situations into new beginnings - "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

It is often, that when I sit down to spew my feelings, that I really have no idea what the end result will be. It is that way today for sure. Today has been just a very 'balanced' day, no extreme emotion of sadness, or anger, or bitterness, just very balanced and calm. Peaceful. What a wonderful blessing to be able to say that I am at peace and to have it be totally true.

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Cool! I wish more moms who are having to walk this path would realize that. Sometimes I get the feeling that people think that because I'm not angry and bitter and spewing a million questions like "what gives God the right to take my baby away..." that I miss Eli less or that I didn't want him as much. That makes me so very sad because it just isn't true. Bringing living children into this world is not something that comes easy to us. Eli was, and continues to be, a total blessing. It's just different - a different blessing than I could ever have imagined. Because of my faith, I'm growing better (hopefully) from this experience. Yes, many times a day my smile turns into a frown when I think about what I could/would/should be doing had Eli's heart not stopped beating but going down in that deep dark pit isn't going to change it. And yes, there are times when I'm truly enjoying myself and all of a sudden my heart will hurt and I have fleeting moments of thinking "how can I possibly be so happy, my baby is dead?" But, it is because of God that I can experience the sun even during the darkest times.

God has a plan for my life and he wants to make it known to me - sometimes He has to scream and other times He can whisper. At any rate, it is not my job to try to dissect or direct that plan. My job is to follow and to let every event in my life contribute to my growth. As Psalm 138:8 states: The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me, His love endures forever and He will not abandon the works of His hands.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me, and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

How can I argue with that?! I can't. I'm happy to say that I don't think I ever thought "why did God do this TO me..." I know I've wondered why, but I don't think I've ever felt like taking Eli was something that He did TO me. Aren't we all His children anyway? Obviously this is part of His plan for me and I do have hope for the future.

I can say that I am starting to have more "up" days than "down". I could truly enjoy our crazy weather today. We got out in the snow again today. I had forgotten that snow has a scent, and I like it! I felt the cold on my nose and cheeks, it was really nice. The crunch under my feet as I chased the kids and the sting of my fingers when I took my gloves off to take some photos... all things that I made a conscious effort to enjoy today.

So, tomorrow will be yet another day and I am going to try to enjoy it to the fullest of my ability - YAY!

Sensory Therapy...

Happy Friday!

Well, since it's another snowy day here (go figure!?) The kids and I decided to just let loose again and turn on some music and take pictures (the light reflecting back in the house from the snow provides for great natural lighting). Of course, their attention span is pretty short but I got a few decent shots and they ran off to watch a movie and play with a few floor puzzles together. Generally, when they're playing together, there's no need for me... they work it out and enjoy one another so that's good for me! I stayed in the office, kept the music on and drank in the words and the beauty of my kids while working on their photos. The entire time though, it certainly was evident to me, that Eli was missing. I feel like there should be three - not just two and I'm aware of it when my head gets away from me.

There's a new song on my play list. It's called Homesick by MercyMe. I came across it just last night, not sure why I hadn't seen it before but today another mom posted it too so I figured that instead of trying to figure out the "why", I would just share it here. I also decided to post the YouTube video if you prefer to enjoy it that way (remember to pause the play list on the right first)

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

So, today has really been a sensory therapy of sorts. Between the music and the photos and the reading that I've done today, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm at peace with my reality even if I don't "like" all of it right now.

Great and Small...

... the snow covered them all!

It was quite the surprise this morning to hear little R yelling "Momma! Momma! Snow! Shoes! Snow outside!" So, I wiped the sleep from my eyes, peeked out and yes, we were covered in more Spring snow. Before I knew it, they were both downstairs throwing on their Crocs. Forget boots, apparently this Winter made them tough, and they both flew out the door. So, being the laid back (lazy?) momma that I am, I figured it wouldn't cause any permanent damage to let them play in their pj's. Plus, I figured, the less they were wearing would be directly related to the amount of time that I would have to stand out there shivering.

Sure enough, my plan worked! Within about 7 minutes, K decided she was cold and proceeded to beg me to let her go back in the house.

However, R wasn't cold yet or even thinking about heading back inside so the chase ensued around the house. When he tried to climb the slide, unsuccessfully, he too finally decided that he had had enough. No harm, no foul and every one was happy.

Psalm 212:1-2

I lift up my eyes to the hills-

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

Today has been an enjoyable day. It has been fun and full of laughs, of running and jumping in the snow and cuddling on the couch to warm up. Thank you Lord, for this Spring snow!

Like The Weather...

... in the Pacific Northwest, my emotions, that is. Seriously, it's nearly April and I snapped these photos today around noon and no, it's not rain... it's SNOW! I guess it just goes to show, even the weather is allowed to do some wild swinging back and forth. So, I'm okay with allowing myself to do the same thing. I know that yesterday I wrote about being tired, exhausted really. Last night I slept about 12 hours straight, thanks to Jim having today off, and it felt good but I'm still tired. I think that physically I'm just needing to catch up to where my mind is and that's part of my problem.

When you bring home a live baby you're supposed to give yourself about 6 weeks before you start to feel like your "normal" self again. It's only been 5 weeks since we said both "hello" and "goodbye" to Eli. It's slightly comforting to know that this wound is still very fresh even though at many times, it feels like it was in another life time. I think my body has FINALLY caught on to the fact that we don't have a live baby to care for, my head has known for a while and my heart will always know that someone is missing.

A Brick Wall...

It seems that today could be summed up with this photo that I "borrowed" from the great world wide web. I have felt today as though I'm trying to climb this wall, that I'm talking to this wall, that I'm trying to see thorough this wall... it's just not working.

I'm exhausted physically and that takes a mental toll. I see a ton of things around me that I want to do but I know I don't have the ability to finish some of them and the "sinking funds" to finish others. Derailing our family budget would not be a wise thing. It would not help me feel any better at all. So, now I get to try to climb this wall or break through it. I know I can, and will, do it but today is just one of "those" days where the tide is moving in quickly. There's really no particular reason for it today. It just is.

I know that I can handle it, that there are far worse things that I could be dealing with right now, but many times I wish it was just a steady curve of growth and healing instead of this crazy wonky thing that currently looks like the Stock Market graphs. *sigh* The great thing is that tomorrow is a new day. And to quote a lovely movie (Meet The Robinson's) I just need to "Keep Moving Forward..."

This song was something that I clung to when I first found out about my pregnancy with Eli... now it carries the same meaning, just in a totally different perspective.
Don't forget to pause the music on the play list to your right before watching the video.

Here are the lyrics for you if you don't know the song:

Let it go,

Let it roll right off your shoulder

Don't you know

The hardest part is over

Let it in,

Let your clarity define you

In the end

We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made

In these small hours

These little wonders,

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away,

But these small hours,

These small hours still remain

Let it slide,

Let your troubles fall behind you

Let it shine

Until you feel it all around you

And I don't mind

If it's me you need to turn to

We'll get by,

It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made

In these small hours

These little wonders,

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away,

But these small hours,

These small hours still remain

All of my regret

Will wash away some how

But I can not forget

The way I feel right now

In these small hours

These little wonders

These twists & turns of fate

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away but these small hours

These small hours, still remain,

Still remain

These little wonders

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away

But these small hours

These little wonders still remain