It Doesn't Define Me

It really doesn't. And I shouldn't let it. Or even feel like some days it does.

(it's kind of a 'poor me' stream of consciousness post, feel free to skip it!)

I honestly don't think that many people look at me like "Oh, that's the lady who couldn't stay pregnant." Seriously, people should have way too many other things to think about than that. But yet, I can't escape that nagging feeling that that's what some people do think, especially if it's been a while since I've seen them or I don't seem them often. It's just as likely that they're thinking "I could really swear that she was skinnier last time I saw her." or "Man she looks tired." or "I wonder when she's going to finally get a hair cut because what she's got going on now is just not working." or "You would think that her kids would behave better." or "Huh, I wonder what the paint color on that wall is." ...that one's especially possible when I feel like someone is looking right through me.

I've found myself feeling very small and insignificant and while most of the time that doesn't bother me. Sometimes it does.
And I want so desperately to fit in somewhere and feel comfortable.
That sounds pathetic.
But I don't really feel like I "fit" anywhere anymore. For entertainment's sake, I went to a website that I've used before... looked through the group descriptions for what I was hoping to find and didn't. fit. a. single. one. Really?!
I just want to be comfortable, like fall into a fluffy couch with a cozy blanket and a sweet, hot cup of coffee, comfortable.

Maybe I'm defining myself too narrowly.
Maybe I don't know how to define myself at all anymore.
Maybe I just need to get comfortable with "me".
Maybe that kind of comfortable is reserved for the most special of people and that's why it's so sought after.

Clearly, I must be having some issues. And it's that time of year again. But it's been that time of year for almost 3 years now so I should be getting used to it. And at the end of the day, I know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm not missing out on any of Stella's infancy by running all over to different places. (I was super busy when Rylan was little and, sadly, it's all kind of a blur but there was lots of - not child created - stress too)

And when I feel alone, I'm not really... half-way through writing this post my friend (like the real-life, doesn't just live in my computer type) posted this:
~*If someone wants to be in your life they will work to be a part of it. So don't bother saving a spot for someone who won't make an effort to stay!*~
I feel like maybe that's what I've been doing a lot of...Waiting. Wanting things to be like they were "before" and that's just not possible. I'm not the same. Those around me aren't the same. It doesn't mean it's worse or better... it's just different. I can't control if other people gossip about me. I can't control if people don't understand me. I can't control if people judge me or my decisions, thoughts, ideas or beliefs anymore than I can control the weather!

I need to get up and get over it! And then I need to make sure that I don't take those soft places to land for granted.

The one where I ramble...

...because it's been so long since I've blogged here.

And I should be writing because it is that time of year (for me, at least)...
the holiday rush is over.
The decorations are put away.
The down-time after several months of back-to-school/birthday/holiday "excitement" is upon me and in the midst of it there's still the thoughts of where I was a year ago, two years ago, three years ago.

I do have to say that, of course, I am certainly much happier on this side of things. I much prefer the exhaustion of not sleeping through the night because Stella's rarely sleeping through the night as opposed to the exhaustion of lying in bed crying because of grief or nerves. And I really am OK with all that happened although there is some guilt that goes along with feeling OK. I remember lying in the ER 2 years ago and feeling so defeated. There was no WAY that I was going to try again. There was no way that I could try again. Ever. I didn't have anything left physically or emotionally.

I'm so very thankful that I got through that and over that notion!

Before I had any reason to start this blog, this time of year was when I would dive into projects. I don't know... maybe it all goes back to the fact that parenthood really started for me on January 1st, 2004 and since then, I've felt the need to have some pretty major changes going on along with the beginning of a new year. Who knows really?

As soon as the tree is taken down and the birthday paper is recycled my brain starts clicking for ways to change things. To make things more organized. To clean.
I'm home.
A lot.
And I get this need to "pretty up" the place where I spend so much time.
This year has been pretty much the same although I'm really trying to keep myself reined in, to work with what we have. Revamp. Reorganize. Reclaim. Although just 3 weeks in, I've already bought a new piece of furniture.

We've had the same entertainment center since before Karleigh was born. It was big. It wasn't our style (which has evolved over the last 10 years!). It didn't go with anything else that we have so we changed it. We downsized big time and I'm really happy with it. I also got our white furniture covers back out, washed them up and put them on. Sure, I have kids, and cats, and a dog... and I've been known to be kind of klutzy. But the bottom line is that I much prefer the look and the feel and that's what's important. And, Jim would probably say that we bought furniture with changeable covers because he KNOWS that I change my mind. A lot. And I love that he's OK with that.

It's a little thing really.

I know so many people who seem so dissatisfied with what they have, where they are, the situations that they find themselves in and oh, do they complain! It's painful to watch. I really don't want to be like that. I want to take the good and the bad and if the "bad" is something that I have control over, great, time to make some changes to it. If it's something that I can't control, then it's time to make some changes to me. It really shouldn't be that difficult.

This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you ~Hafiz

If you can't find comfort in that, well, I don't know what to say.

And in the vein of random... I love watching Stella play with her little tea pot and love on her baby. Cracks me right up!

New Year!

I know, seriously!? Where have I been? I've been keeping up with my photo blog but I just haven't really found the time to blog here. I've thought about it. I've blogged a ton of times in my head. I just don't have the time to sit town and post anything.

It's that weird time of year for me, so pleased that Karleigh has celebrated another birthday but at the same time, knowing with each birthday that she celebrates, that's another year since Collin's heart stopped. Last year I was so thankful to be pregnant with Stella and this year, so thankful that she is with us to celebrate the new milestones. It's been a really good year for us and I'm really working on being ok with being ok with how things have transpired over the last several. I have lots more good days but they can still be peppered with anxiety and bad dreams, things are steadily improving though.

We celebrated Karleigh's birthday this weekend. It's almost hard to believe that she's seven. She seemed to thoroughly enjoy her "rainbow art party" even though she was quite tired from ringing in the New Year with us.

We also had a good Christmas at my parent's house, worked in lots of Christmas outings with the kids, sing-a-longs, lights, etc. We've had snow, colds, another ear infection for Stella... pretty much super duper "normal" stuff. It's been nice.

I'm trying to decide where I'm going to "go" with this blog. I don't know if it feels like it's doing much for me... and that pleases me. I feel guilty when I neglect it and while it helped me to really get to a place of peace (most days) I'm not sure what it would do for me now. At this point I just feel guilty for not writing. I mean, it's not like I'm making money for it, or have lots of fans/followers (such an odd concept to me). And? Considering if my New Year's Resolution could be summed up in one word, it would be SIMPLIFY... maybe I need to lock this one down, make it private or what not. I'm not going to delete it, there's too much for me to be able to do that but I just don't know. Perhaps I'll just shift over to my photo blog and get into more detail when I feel like it... decisions, decisions... none of which will be made tonight because the little Miss is awake and screaming after 3 great hours of sleep. Some day she will sleep well, I'm certain of it... I'm just getting impatient for that day... night.

So fast

It's been over a month since I blogged here? Pathetic. Or not pathetic and a good indication that I used this blog the way that I needed to, when I needed to and now? well, my days are taken up by this cutie!

She's still awesome. We brought her home from the hospital seven months ago. She's gained almost 12 pounds since she was born. She's trying to crawl. She tries to call "kitty, kitty, kitty" but is comes out as slobbery jibberish... the same way Karleigh used to say it. She's finally happy to try some solid foods. She's still rarely sleeping through the night but waking once to nurse still. Naps are great though. She's fun and just totally sparkles. It's still crazy to look back and see how much she's changed already and how she's really starting to become her own person who's still generally happy but who also still has no in-between and when she changes attitude there's little to no warning. But we sure do love her!

Me? I'm doing better. The short version is that I did finally make an appointment with my doc. I walked out with a prescription for an antidepressant. One that has great success for PTSD since my symptoms were more consistent with that than PPD actually. And I'm not surprised.
So, I started taking the meds.

And then I stopped.

Sure, my anxiety decreased and I yelled less after just a couple days but that's because I was sleeping. Luckily, I started this at the beginning of Jim's vacation because I could not function by myself on them. All of a sudden I would get so tired that I would HAVE to lie down and sleep. So, I'm taking a different approach with St.John's Wort, various vitamins, *gasp* diet and exercise. It seems to be working and I'm very grateful for that.

It seems crazy how fast this year is going. Thanksgiving, which we're hosting here, is just around the corner and we are nearly done with all of our Christmas shopping, I've taken our family photos and the card is almost done... unless I change my mind. Again. Which I probably will. And the ideas for Karleigh's SEVENTH birthday are being tossed around. It all goes so fast!

October 15th

I did not forget about October 15th yesterday. I lit my candles at 7 pm. I thought about Eli and Collin and all of our other lost babies. I thought about my baby loss momma friends and their babies, some that they got to hold, some that they didn't. And I would love to name them all but nothing hurts like seeing that your baby has been forgotten so I'm going to avoid causing that hurt and hope that they all had feelings of peace and love while specifically setting aside time just for them.

But this year was much different for me. On October 15th Stella also turned 6 months old and I tried to focus a bit more on my present than my past. I had a beautiful mental image and planned to do a balloon release for my past but my present is sick and needed to go to the pediatrician for antibiotics and ear drops for a bad ear infection. An ear infection that I was told, had I waited until Monday it probably would have ruptured. I still think of what might have been every day so I guess, while it is nice to have one day dedicated to our babies, it's not a necessity for me. But I still remember...

Four Letter Word

It's been a while since I've updated anything here, obviously. And the longer I go without updating the more overwhelming it seems... like there are a million things that I want to "talk" about but they all run together and then I kind of think "eh, that's not even interesting". :)

Our last few weeks can be summed up in one four letter word: sick. And not the kind of sick that the 'cool kids' are using instead of the words neat-o or cool. Man I'm getting old. At any rate, sick, sick, sick.

This past month everyone has had a nasty cold, then Karleigh came down with pneumonia and missed a week of school. On her first day back, Rylan got the flu - on his fifth birthday. The next day Stella got a rash all over the trunk of her body that looks kind of like tiny, red baby acne but isn't. She still has her rash has continued to be cranky, not sleeping well and in fact was up from 1:30 to 3:30 early this morning with a fever. I'm thinking maybe we need a trip to the desert while our house gets bleached down. Either that or I just need to put us all in a bubble for a while.

Thankfully, we did get a day of reprieve where everyone was feeling ok and attitudes were really quite good, to celebrate Rylan's 5th Birthday. Last Saturday we had an airplane birthday party for him. My parents came down to celebrate with us and he had a great time. We went to the local air museum and then came back for cake, presents and his favorite pizza. It was fun and relaxing and a very welcome break to everything else that's been going on.

It's kind of hard to realize how fast five years goes. How much they change and learn and grow. We're really proud of him though and are soaking up what could be the last remaining bit of him really needing us for cuddles and hanging out.

Honesty, Hiccups and Hangups

Honestly.
Since my last post I have started to feel a lot better. Not every day is perfect, of course, but I think like I've made progress and I'm more comfortable with the way I feel about everything. Functioning day to day was the number one thing that I needed to get under control and between Jim picking up a bunch of the slack and rest assured, there was a BUNCH of slack to be picked up considering just taking care of the basics was starting to feel overwhelming and taking my vitamins and supplements, the hiccups are coming fewer and further between.
*Hah! I just re-read that and honestly, it was not the functioning day to day that I needed to get under control. It was the anger and temper and the frustration with myself for feeling so out of control when it came to day to day tasks. Big difference. And how in the world can someone be so indecisive but so upset and certain that the decision that was just made was the wrong one? I don't know, but that's where I was.

In hindsight, I know I experienced some of this when Karleigh was little and interestingly enough, to me at least, right around 4-5 months because I know she was sleeping in the nursery by then. I can recall rocking her in just her lamp lit bedroom and thinking "huh... I wonder what would happen if I just let her roll off my lap and onto the floor..." I never once even came close to considering it and I've never had any thoughts of hurting the kids or myself - just to be very blunt about it so there's no lines to read between - but after that questioning thought, I had the disturbing and very unlikely vision of her rolling off my lap, onto the floor with a thud and then continuing across the room and then up and out the bedroom window and down. Cah-Rae-Zee...
It was the only and the last thought that I recall having like that and it freaked me out. And like I said it wasn't me thinking that I could, would, or should do anything like that but just a very "not me" moment. Five months postpartum with Rylan, the "fit hit the shan", so to speak and I honestly don't remember a whole lot about that time. My dad had a stroke, I started on a hormonal birth control for the first time in my life that totally sucked and messed me up so stress and not being myself would be a total understatement and with everything that was going on there's no way possible that I could begin to divide and pinpoint what was what. At any rate...

I had gotten to the point a couple weeks ago, that if I didn't feel any better by "insert date here" that I would be making a call to my OB or to Stella's ped because she also handles adults - great office by the way. It's a good thing that I did start feeling better though because I don't know if I really would have made the call. Just thinking about calling was overwhelming so tell me how in the world women really do get help? If there isn't someone to say "this isn't abnormal but it's not ok, let's deal with it together" what else is there? The anxiety of just calling. Good grief. Luckily, I do have people who checked in with me and said just that, to a point, I may be paraphrasing to save time. :) It was just very hard to deal with those feelings while knowing that, as far as many people were concerned, I had everything that I wanted so I shouldn't feel this irrational way and I should stop complaining about it.

For now though, things are good. Things are actually getting really close to great again! I'm trying to remove any unnecessary drama, get a decent amount of sleep, be more rational about my thoughts and keep up with my vitamins and such. It is nice to feel like the fog has lifted and I'm really grateful that is seems to have just been a great big hiccup along the way.

Since I'm feeling more me again. Well, I've always been me, but the better more like myself me... I realized that I hadn't hardly gotten past but a few pages in Stella's baby book. That too is one of those little things, that turns into a bigger thing, that's been bugging me. What kind of mom just chooses not to fill out the baby book? Granted. I didn't really like any of them that I came across while shopping so I settled on one that was more girly than gender neutral like I have for Karleigh and Rylan. They have gender neutral baby books because that was one of the first purchases for both of them. I wrote in them from fairly early on but this time I could not bring myself to buy a baby book because, you know, when the baby dies, that's just another thing that you have to make room for in the memory box. But I finally bought one not long before Stella was born and it was going well for the first several pages until I got to the page labeled: Mommy and Daddy are Having a Baby. Really? Are you sure? Can you, little book, guarantee that!? So, I got mad at the baby book. Rational much? I ended up not liking the colors and the butterfly decal on the front annoyed me. It didn't even match.

So, I stopped writing in it.

And that made me mad and sad too. My mom doesn't have a baby book and it may very well be because my grandma had the same issues and couldn't get to a place where she was "ok" filling out a baby book for her. 13 months before my mom was born, my grandma had a stillborn son at 8 months and I'm almost positive she didn't have the support that she needed to deal with it. On the other hand, my dad has The. Best. Baby book. Ever! His mom died when he was a young teen but when he was younger, she wrote everything down. She wasn't anal about using the same perfect back pen every time. She didn't stay between the lines. If he said or did something amusing, she wrote it down. As I recall, she wrote about buying his first pair of cowboy boots in red ball point pen. And she kept the ink foot print for sizing. And the receipt too.

I found a new, slightly less taunting baby book, gathered everything together and started over today. That same page that bothered me before says "A Baby is Due!" in this new book. And why does the wording even matter when she is here already? I don't know, but it does. Sure, there's the hangup of how to fill out the sibling section. Do I? or Don't I? include Eli and Collin. I haven't. I don't want to scare the kids when they think about having their own babies, yet at the same time, I also don't want them to feel alone if, heaven forbid, they do have to deal with some of this.

So, soon I will be heading back to the dining room to continue filling out the information for the first five months of Miss Stella's life. And I will feel good about doing it!