Thursday Thoughts...

Once upon a time, I just sat down and spewed some random thoughts - things that I probably could have done an entire entry for. It seems that I have been doing a lot of "baby talk" here but that's what helps keep me looking forward. The reality is, once again I have a whole knot of thoughts that I really haven't been able to untangle so here is a little insight into some of them:

~ I'm still uncomfortable talking about or even acknowledging this pregnancy, to people in real life. The Daisy moms and I were sitting around during Karleigh's birthday party and of course, the pregnancy/labor discussion came up while the girls were playing. One of the others mentioned that she was put on bed rest at 24 weeks (which I was at the time) with her daughter because she was dilated to 2 "...and you know, at that age, they're so small they can practically fall out when you're at a 2." Ugh. Of course I didn't say anything but in my experience, you have to dilate to about 6 to deliver at 16 weeks but who's counting? At the point of this conversation, there was, perhaps, speculation about a pregnancy but none of them has outright asked me. But, I also haven't said "hey guess what?!"

~ I'm going nutty being pregnant, wanting everything perfect, and having a dog that's still a puppy. Seriously, some days I feel like I'm losing my mind with him. He probably needs a buddy but that would make me even more crazy and we've got enough of that around here as it is. I'm hoping that when the kids are home this summer, things get better. I could just be fooling myself though. We'll see.

~ The sun is shining and I'm torn between going outside and doing some yard work or finishing up a project in the house... or blogging ;) You see which is winning.

~ Diapers, no I didn't sew them, Hillary. I wish I had the patience for that right now. My friend "S" helped to enable that stash when she sent me two boxes full of of various diapering items. Right now, there are 36 infant prefolds, 14 covers, 27 various fitteds (some one size, some sized, some with snaps and some snappiables - you don't have to use diaper pins if you don't want to!) I have one system that switches out with a snap in liner, reusable outer shell and cloth inserts. I also ordered a starter set of Gro Baby today that includes the cloth inserts and then picked up a bunch of their disposable inserts on a mega seconds sale today. Seconds because the boxes have issues, no biggie to me!

~ This has been an really interesting time for us. One of my really close friends told me that her months of pregnancy after loss were some of the worst, emotionally, for her. It certainly is easy to have down days. I love the fact that I'm pregnant with a seemingly healthy pregnancy but in the last 2 years I've grown so close to women who were also thrilled to have healthy pregnancies who went on to experience loss. I feel like I'm going through the motions of getting ready, the room is pretty well set, things have been ordered, lists have been made but at the same time, I'm having a hard time picturing the end result where it doesn't involve sad tears and a memory box. I'm actually kind of glad that I had to wait this long to get to a, likely, happy outcome because I'm not wishing that I could have Eli or Collin or any of the others back. I'm just trying to have faith that this will be our happy ending.

~ Bedroom situation, since you asked Jamie! We have the three bedrooms upstairs so we moved out of the larger of the three and moved into one of the smaller rooms and then moved Karleigh and her twin bed, along with the crib, into that larger room. Every square inch of that room has been repainted (except for the glass in the windows!) Luckily, we already had the closet re-done for two kids when we moved Karleigh and Rylan together in that room in anticipation of getting the nursery set up for Eli. Our room is a very tight squeeze but since we're not the type to hang out in our bedroom for anything other than sleeping or maybe watching the news or a movie, we'll be fine.

~ I was expecting to have a few more "deep thoughts" but I guess they're gone! I've been pretty tired this week after a marathon 3-day weekend with Jim home and us trying to get everything cleaned out and set up upstairs before I get even more uncomfortable. (again Jamie, I need to get your Chiro's info!) Which makes me think of my friend Kaylee who is a month closer to meeting her number three kiddo but is also in the midst of a move from PA to AZ! If you could keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers (finding a home...) I would really appreciate it!

~ I think it might be time for a blog update. What do you think? This one seems slightly... depressing. I'm changing, maybe it's time for my layout to change too.

I guess that's it for now. Sorry none of that really went anywhere but I hope you're having a great Thursday!

One Word Wednesday...

WOW...

Still Growing!

I've noticed the last couple of weeks that I feel huge. My pelvic girdle pain has really been acting up and there's not much at all that I can do about it except just deal with it. So that's what I'll do!

I had an OB appointment today and everything is looking good. And I'm measuring a fair bit ahead. That explains the feeling huge part! I didn't ask HOW far ahead since I don't want to read anything more into it than, yup, you're getting big. And really, it's not like we grow small babies anyway. So, it is what it is.
She's growing.
She's kicking and punching.
A lot.

It's hard to believe but my appointments are now going to be every 2 weeks and my next one will be the fun, fun glucose test. I'm hoping that goes well. It hasn't been an issue at all in the past for me but the measuring big part has me going "hummmm..." in the back of my mind.

When I got home I decided that since I was wearing "real" clothes - read: not painting clothes or pj's - I would snap a quick picture since it's been 5 weeks since my last one.



The realization that we may actually be bringing a live baby home again is starting to get my nesting need in high gear. And really, who wants to be painting and rearranging furniture (or more accurately, directing the furniture moving) at the very last minute? I'm not a last minute person if I don't have to be and circumstances are within my control. So, I'm hoping that we can get a lot done during Jim's upcoming 3 day weekend. I've started the painting process by painting the "big" room ceiling and started on the walls. We'll be painting the varnished trim and doors white to lighten it all up and that'll take a fair bit of prep time so I'm trying to get a jump-start. Then we'll paint Karleigh's current room and we'll just trade her places. I'm annoyed with myself that I forgot to take "before" pics of our current room but oh well!

So, things are cranking around here and I'm so ready for spring to arrive. The warmish, wet weather isn't helping calm me down any and the flowers already poking their tiny green tips of new life through the soggy ground around here really, really isn't helping!

Peaceful

It's almost hard for me believe but one year ago today, Collin was taken from us. The day actually passed quite peacefully and very "normally". I was a little more tired than normal but it certainly didn't have the sting that I thought it might. I remember feeling the same way with Eli's one year mark. In fact, there's almost something that feels very healing with getting past that date... like a weight is lifted from my shoulders.

I thought, a few times, about what last year was like but baby girl kept me very reassured by making sure her feet were properly wedged under my ribs, getting the hiccups and startling when I closed the dryer door.

There was quite a large chunk of today that I didn't even think about the fact that it was "that" day. We ordered a new infant car seat and I messed around with some of the cloth diapers that I've gotten for her. That was along side house cleaning, laundry, getting kids ready for school, taking Karleigh to her Daisy Scout meeting. Perhaps it would have been a bit different if I wasn't pregnant again but thankfully, I don't know.

There were also moments when I just sat and reflected a bit and true to the way He works, I received a beautiful silver heart charm in the mail today from one of my girlfriends who has walked right beside me these past (almost) 23 months. My heart will always remember Collin and Eli and the other babies that we lost but sadness and longing for them isn't going to bring them back and frankly, I'm not sure that I would want to go all my life long not knowing some of the women that I have met and reconnected with along this journey. It's just a part of who am I now and I'm really ok with that.

Really.

Holding My Breath

I'm at a point where I'm ok with saying "I'm holding my breath." 2010 is off to a pretty great start around here! I'm basically a year out from losing Collin. Right now it seems like a whole other lifetime. I've got big things behind me and big things in front of me and that feels really good.

Karleigh is now six! She had her 6th birthday party with her Daisy Scout friends and it was great. It was noisy and chaotic and hot but I don't think they could have had more fun. The bonus? The party was held at a local kids play area. They took care of the set up and clean up. I just provided the cupcakes for the girls... she didn't even want me to go to the work of making a regular cake this year. Although it's not cheap to have a party at a play place, I think we actually came out money ahead and there's no doubt that I came out ahead on the stress level!

For her actual birthday she just wanted a "pj day" with pizza at home after staying up late on New Year's Eve and a slumber party in the living room. Easy enough! So we all sat around in our pj's all day, watched the parade, movies, she opened presents and we ate pizza. Not too shabby!

Today was back-to-school again and both kids were thrilled to get back at their routine... which unfortunately includes lots of whining from an over-tired Rylan at the end of the day and me totally forgetting to pack a snack for Karleigh but she was fine, her teacher has back-up snacks and Karleigh laughed at us for being so worried about it. She was just happy to get back to her friends and class today.

On the baby front, things are still going great and I'm thankful for Every. Single. Day. It's odd how I still feel newly pregnant even though I'm past the 24 week mark. I really should get on pulling it all together because I know that I hate feeling like I'm behind the 8-ball and it's all going to go really quickly from here on out. The third trimester always seems to go so fast and it's really weird for me to realize that it's just around the corner. On the other hand, aside from dragging the cradle out of the closet and purchasing a car seat I have everything to take care of a baby right now. We might be having to do laundry frequently but it could be done. It could also be done to a point where I'm much more comfortable with everything and that's what I'm aiming for!

So needless to say, I'm excited for 2010. I'm really going to focus this year on controlling the things that I can and doing those things to the best of my ability and equally as important... not worry about the things I have no control over. It's not an original idea or concept but it's one that I need to bring back into focus. My life has had areas, obviously, where I've had zero control over the situations and I think everything else got kind of dragged down with it. I'm ready to move forward!

Onward and Forward

It might be an small understatement to say that I'm beyond ready to kick 2009 out the door. I think back to this time last year and it was just so full of promise. We had our NT scan with Collin, were told he was a totally healthy baby boy, we rang in the New Year being so thankful that 2009 was going to bring us what 2008 couldn't. At some point the next day his heart stopped. What a way to start 2009.

2009 wasn't a total bummer though...
a 2 week visit from Auntie Lacey
zoo trips
an excellent vacation to Whitefish, MT
our 10th wedding anniversary
5 lost teeth
a new kindergartner
new puppy Max
hikes in the gorge
a new preschooler
a wonderful beach trip
winter snowstorms
record summer heat
new bikes
starting Daisy Scouts
visits with grandma and grandpa
play dates
birthday parties

and a healthy baby girl on the way.

Christmas

I hope you all have had a merry one!