Life... Continued.

First, aren't those flowers pretty? My aunt and uncle brought them when they came to visit this weekend. I love the way stargazer lilies look and I've recently come to realize that I really don't care for how they smell. I'm dealing with it though since they're so dang pretty and who doesn't love some nice cheery flowers brightening up the house?!?

On to the real point of this post...

I'm pretty sure that most people have noticed that I've been pretty quiet and I have heard that that's raised some suspicions. The truth of the matter is that I've just been in a really strange place mentally. As I recall, a few months back I commented about a medication that was suggested that we try. By "we" I mean, I take it and Jim waits to see what kind of crazy side-effects it has that he gets to deal with.

The medication that was suggested was Femara. If you google it, it'll come back that it's a breast cancer medication and that you are not in any way supposed to take it while you're pregnant. That's all good and true except that the most common side effect is the return of menstrual cycles in post and peri-menopausal women. So, it's also Rx'd off-label to work like, but in a different way than, Clomid. Out of 10 pregnancies, only 2 were conceived without Clomid and both Karleigh and Rylan are Clomid babies. So, one would assume that if the Clomid worked, the Femara should too. The other plus is that Femara isn't supposed to have the same negative effect that Clomid can have on the uterine lining. And technically? You're not taking it while pregnant. It has a very short half-life and only encourages your ovaries to produce a good follicle.


So, last month I tired it.

And I ovulated well according to my BBT charting, OPKs and day 21 progesterone level which came back at 22.13.

Then this:

Wow. I had a little internal battle with myself... do I go in for beta's? I know there's a stat order just waiting for me at the lab. They brought both the day 21 progesterone and the hcg quant order when I was in there and asked which I wanted. I finally decided to go in and have it drawn since, though it can be stressful, knowledge can also be power.

At 15 dpo my hcg quant was 513. That was great news and I breathed a sigh of relief and promptly started worrying if that would double in 48 hours like it should.

48 hours later I returned to the lab and waited for the phone call. And waited. And waited. I finally called back, was put on hold after I said who I was and was told "V will give you a call back in about 10 minutes." Ok, insert massive nerves here. "V" is the u/s tech and I wasn't given any numbers. Was she going to be calling because numbers were falling already?

After an hour and a half I couldn't take it anymore and called back. The receptionist greeted me with a happy tone and a "I just tried to call you!" After reminding her that we changed our number, she updated it in the computer and promptly scheduled me for an u/s for next Wednesday. I finally worked up the nerve to ask what the new numbers were. At 17 dpo my hcg quant was 1609. They did not double in 48 hours, they more than tripled.

I have learned that researching on the world wide web is a world wide web of danger. Only God knows what our next challenge will be. Kind of curious why I can't catch a break for just a normal by the books, boring pregnancy? But I'm praying for a happy ending.

Of course this morning came with a call from the doctors office of: "Hey Kristi, Dr. B really wants you to come in again for another beta tomorrow since it's rather high..." Ugh, I know it's high-ish but it's still totally within the gigantic range of "normal" and it's not going *down* so that's an improvement, right? I've got friends who have been on all sides of this and I really just need to quit reading anything into numbers. Numbers that are increasing. And at this point? That's a blessing in and of itself.

So, that's where things stand now. We are beyond the threshold, number wise, of our early losses but I also know that there is no "safe zone" so I continue to pray for peace and the health of this new little life.

And again, this is our info that I have chosen to share with you... it stinks to have to un-tell so please don't put yourself in that position :)

Wordless Wednesday

~ Daddy Daycare ~

What's Goin' On?

As summer starts to draw to a close, I've found myself really focusing on getting things prepared for the fall. Heavy duty house cleaning, organizing, school shopping, yard maintenance... it's all part of what I do in preparation for the changing seasons, which I love. The other motivator is that my aunt and uncle are usually here for a visit this time of year and this weekend was no exception. It was a nice visit with my parents and my aunt and uncle but getting ready for a house full of people always pushes me into a cleaning frenzy. It's nice though to have it done! It is pretty funny though because it's so not a necessary frenzy. Here's Karleigh learning how to play uno with my aunt...Oh! But Jim has been on bee patrol like nobodies business. It has to be a horrible bee year as most of our local stores are totally sold out of the spray so he's been frequenting the local farm supply store... which we should be doing anyway! Plus, my uncle is allergic so Jim went around last week and made sure to knock down and spray every nest that he was able to find and then put up a bee trap. The bee trap got really full, really fast so we kept looking. We found one nest in the ground near the driveway and he sprayed and dug that one up. Then we found another one in the field right on the edge of the yard... he sprayed and dug that one up. Then my dad spotted a hornet's nest essentially right in the lilac bushes in the yard... he sprayed and knocked that one down. That nest was about the size of a soccer ball, plus there was a paper wasp nest basically built on the top of grass stalks in the upper field that he sprayed. He has gone through 10 cans of bee spray in the last week. Insane. My dad, my uncle and I all got stung but none of us seriously. We all got a sharp poke but it's like the bees were just being annoying and not really serious about it. Strange, I know. Not sure what the point of that even was other than just some more, what's going on here! :)

Life with Max, Maxwell, Max-a-doodle, Maximilian, Maxamoose is getting so much better. He is such a great puppy, well behaved, calms down easily, listens, is a fast learner... he's really great. He had so much fun with Jacksi, my parents' lab, over the weekend. It was good for him to be around her and get a bit nippy with her because she was quick to let him know when enough was enough and his puppy nippy is even less than it was before! He's such a good addition to the family and we're so glad that we got him.

What else? Karleigh will, for sure, be in afternoon kindergarten in a few weeks. She'll be able to catch the bus right at the driveway and will only have to be on it for about 20 minutes as opposed to last years route where it would have been closer to 55 minutes. I'm getting a little bit nervous about it but she's so excited and that's great. Her assessment is on Wednesday and our school shopping is almost all done, just need to get shoes for her crazy, little skinny feet!

So, that's pretty much what we've been up to over the last couple weeks while I've been a total blog slacker. :)

Max

This is one of the reasons I haven't blogged anything in the past week. This is our new puppy Max. The kids think he's just great and Jim and I are getting used to having a dog in the house. I love dogs but you have to admit that there is an adjustment period to having a puppy in the house 24/7 along with two young kids. Luckily the puppy naps at the same time that the kids have quiet/nap time so I do get some time to myself but it's still an adjustment.



And while getting a puppy really doesn't have a whole lot, or anything actually, to do with infertility or pregnancy loss, it certainly hit me in the most bizarre way. I will admit that I shed quite a few tears throughout the first whole day and some the following day. I don't know if it brought up unresolved emotions or if I had buyers remorse, or if I was taken aback by how this was another part of our family moving forward without the baby(s) that would have been with our family this summer one of them who would have been celebrating a first birthday this week.



But... that's not the way it is.



And it could have been multiple things.



Max is a character though. Part Basset hound, part lab but he leans heavily to the hound side. He's very smart and learning quickly which helps and as I've said over and over again, it's not the dog that's the problem (it rarely is) but it's just my issue and I just need to get over it!



He will be good company when the kids both go off to school. He will help teach the kids responsibility for another living thing. Sure we have the kitties, but they're pretty self sufficient. He will just become a part of the family and if this isn't the right pup for us, there is no right pup for us.

Come on, Get Mappy!

The kids and I visited my parents 2 weekends ago. Man! I'm really falling behind on this blogging thing! Anyway, we gave the kids several options and they chose Northwest Trek for their way to spend the day. It was a great choice, perfect weather, wonderful scenery and we saw almost every single animal that resides on the 723 acres. I snapped quite a few pictures, though it was an off day for me, I still got a few that make me smile.

Come on, get mappy...

I Can See Clearly Now...
Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man...

From the tummy of the grizzly bear...

These shoes were made for walkin'...
...but they were good for sitting too. Rylan had to "test" nearly every. single. bench. at the park. It ended up being a wonderful day.

The following day the kids and I took the opportunity to meet up with five other moms from an online group that I've been a member of since I was pregnant with Rylan. It was so wonderful to meet these women, and their kids, in "real" life. They have virtually walked with me during the best of time and during the worst of times, they held my hand. The kids acted like they've known each other forever and the four hours we spent in Seattle could have easily been doubled and still not felt long enough.

Nothing deep, just a few shares to get caught up a bit more. My poor brain is cooking, the weather has been so hot for our area. Actually? It's been pretty hot for just about anywhere. It was 103 today and, right now, at 11:30 pm, the heat index is 80 degrees with 64% humidity. Not fun. I would much rather be too cold than too hot. Thankfully, we don't have too many days like this. However, this was just the first day of 3 or 4 that will be up in the triple digits.

Oh and a Karleigh funny while the county guys were working on our road today, filling pot holes with hot asphalt (poor guys)... "Hey mom! Check it out! The guys are working so hard, they're smoking!" :-)

Wordless Wednesday... Pretty Much

It's pink! You don't see that every day!

Thick and Thin

I've been such a blog slacker lately. A lot of it has to do with me really wrestling with some internal/emotional stuff and I've just needed to take a step back from things. I guess I say I need to take a step back but really, I've just been spending more time on the whole thought process of stuff... research, reading, thinking, making mental lists.
And it's exhausting.
Really, really exhausting.

And as much as I feel like I want to share that here, I just can't put it into words. Strange I know. I seem to be ok at getting the past written down but when it comes to the future? I'm not very good at that. Honestly? The future freaks me out! I know. Worry about today because it has enough worry for itself. But future... you're freaking me out. I just wish I knew what it looked like for us. Just a little bit. A tiny peek. But, even if I had that I wouldn't have a clue how we got there I suppose. The traditional approach isn't working so who knows?

Jim and I also celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last Friday. 10 years! Double digits people, that's pretty cool to me. Especially when you think about everything that we've been though. OK, I know that there are plenty of people who have been through much more than we have but I think we're pretty blessed to be pretty much (relationship wise) unfazed by all the yuck that we've gone through. And honestly? Continue to go through.


My mom came down and watched the kids for us so we could get away together, alone, to the beach... did I mention alone?
Without the kids?


I love them to bits but now that they are getting older I was ready! Sure we talked about them and missed them in the "oh, that would be fun with the kids... some other time" way but we needed some alone time. We haven't been alone overnight without the kids since the night we were in the hospital delivering Eli. Before that? we had never left Rylan and hadn't left Karleigh overnight except to have Rylan!
Sad.
I know.
It was time and we all survived.
In fact, I think we flourished!


Jim and I took off and headed to the Oregon coast through our old college town. We stopped and walked around campus. Yowzers! that campus has changed in the *gulp* 12 years since we attended. Honestly? They took full advantage of the building boom that started as soon as we left. They must have averaged almost a new building per year. Sad however, was seeing many of the improvements named after people we knew. The tiny maples that lined the sidewalk outside the campus apartments where Jim and I lived (in different apartments at different times) are huge leafy canopies now. There are new residence halls, which are huge yet at the same time only added a little over 300 beds for students... may or may not have been the best use of money. Jim and I both drooled over the new baseball stadium. Not field. Stadium! and the brand spanking new lighted and covered! tennis courts.
Oh well.
Looks like our tuition went to a good cause and frankly? I wouldn't go back to 19 again just for that. But it does look really nice.

We even snapped our picture in front of the building where we met almost 14 years ago. The gabled window facing camera right was my dorm room when we started dating. :) Oh, how I could go on about crazy roommates.
But I won't.
But I will say if you get a crazy roommate, the next thing you do is get yourself a job at the Student Life office.
Then you get yourself a single, as a Freshman, just as soon as one opens up on your desired floor.
Just sayin'!



After our detour through Forest Grove, which, other than some street changes looks pretty darned exactly like it did when we left, we headed out to the coast.
Where it was almost 30! degrees cooler than it was inland.
But that was so beyond the point because we were kidless!

We got checked into the inn, which was great. Oceanside with a balcony, wonderful bed, fireplace, small kitchen and SO clean and then got cleaned up for our dinner reservations at Cannon Beach.

Yum! We were stuffed, wonderful food. The fog started rolling in so instead of hanging around Cannon Beach we headed back to Seaside and walked off some of our dinner, strolled back down the Prom and called it an evening. Then we decided (along with every. loving. person. in town) to make a quick Safeway run for breakfast stuff so we wouldn't have to rush in the morning.
And then we called it an evening.
Again.

We checked out around noon, wandered Seaside some more and then got the heck out of Dodge before we were stuck there. The Miss Oregon pageant was going on and it was a crazy house. We ate lunch along the river in Astoria, watched the boats go in and out and the huge salmon jump out of the water and decided to head home. It was all foggy and socked in at the coast, which felt about right since it was also Collin's due date. Well, would have been, except for that whole heart not beating thing.

It was a wonderful get-away for the night and really nice to spend some time with the one who has stood by my through thick and thin! Oh and we weren't even missed (of course, I didn't think we would be) They got grandma one on one so they felt super special too!

Not too much more exciting stuff going on other than that.

Oh! Karleigh lost yet another tooth, making this number 5. So here's her new toothless grin from this evening! She was kind enough to let me wiggle it out (wiggle? yank? we're not going to discuss that right now!) before the sun went down. It was causing her so much pain, she ate half a piece of toast for breakfast today and that was it. She did drink water and milk but didn't want anything else, even soft foods. Poor kid. I had Jim pick up some Ora-gel on the way home so it wouldn't hurt her so much. The whole thing was out except for one tiny corner that was the spot that was giving her so much trouble. As soon as it came out she screamed "Yes! Finally! It already feels soooo much better!" She ate a bowl of ice cream, as I promised her, and then two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (on hot dog buns!) Seriously, she was like a new person the rest of the evening... totally reminded me of the story, The Lion's Paw. I'm just wondering how long it will be until it comes down now. Her bottom teeth came in pretty quickly and I really do think I could see it right there so... we'll see!