More Testing

It's been a few days since I've written anything here. My mom came down to visit, handle some business here and stay since she's on her Spring Break. She even brought a beautiful bouquet of flowers for us.

Getting on to what this blog is about and a little more interesting however... After some thought, I decided that I would call my doctors office and ask either for more testing or for a referral to someone who would be more aggressive. I've done lots and lots and lots of reading and research online about what could possibly be going on with me and there really isn't a whole lot more left but I figured instead of consulting Dr.Google, I'd actually go to the office. We were there for quite a while discussing options, previous test results and where we're going to go now. "We" being Jim and me since mom was here, she was able to watch the kids so Jim could go with me this time. Such a blessing since two heads are better than one and after talking things over with Jim, there were things that I didn't even hear.


The appointment was actually pretty good. I mean, as good as it can go I suppose and I didn't walk out feeling like I'd just had a discussion with a brick wall. We met with the doc that confirmed that Eli had died and was on call for his delivery and my surgery since my regular OB is on vacation this week. I, of course, did lots of research and reading before the appointment so I knew what I wanted to ask about. He ordered and re-ordered some blood tests so this time the lab drew:

cytomegalovirus
toxoplasmosis
anit nuclear antibody screen w/ titer
prolactin
hemoglobin A1C
and karyotyping on both Jim and me. The karyotyping is to check for genetic translocations... that issue where we're gambling with every pregnancy to see if we get the "right" egg with the "right" sperm of there's any chance of a healthy pregnancy.


So, that was 5 more vials of blood, no biggie, it was 7 last time. We also discussed the possible, though not probable "uterus" issues. We are not going to do the HSG since that is looked at as an infertility test and is mainly useful in detecting blocked tubes and we know that my tubes aren't blocked since now I can get pregnant (quite the change), I just can't stay pregnant. He did suggest an MRI on my uterus instead but I am sensitive to iodine so the contrast dye that they would use would not be the "good" one because of that, plus, insurance companies really hate paying for MRI's. So, after chatting with someone else (on the phone) they are going to set me up with a 3D ultrasound of my uterus. I know that made Jim much more comfortable since he really didn't want to chance things with the contrast dye. The 3D u/s technology is still so relatively new that they are just starting to use it for more than "baby peeks". It should allow them to see if there is a septum, fibroids, or anything like that on the inside as well as if the outside is "normal" without having to do an MRI. IF they see something that warrants a closer look then we'll do a hysteroscopy in the office which is an actual camera all up in my business. And after that? Every test, every diagnostic option has been exhausted. I was fine at the appointment until we got to that part and that's when I lost it a little bit. I just feel so out of control and so in the dark about what's going on. I would love to just know what's going on. It would be so much easier for me to close the book on this chapter of our lives if I knew why? and that I won't carry another pregnancy to term.


It's frustrating for everyone. I have 2 nearly perfect pregnancies, 3 second trimester losses and 5 first trimester losses with the healthy pregnancies being bookended by losses... so, it's very confusing for everyone. It does not seem, given the circumstances, that the losses would all be caused by the same thing. My gut it still really thinking that it is something immunological with me, where my body attacks the pregnancy and some were just able to hold on longer than others... how I managed to get Karleigh and Rylan? of course I can't explain that other than they were conceived during very stressful times in my life (well, times that I thought were stressful until now) so who knows, perhaps I was more immunosuppressed at the time. I don't know just a theory that, at this point, seems just as possible as anything else. Perhaps they are both miracles. Nothing more, nothing less. I am working on really trying to get to a place where I can be at peace with whatever we find out, if anything. I'm working on being able to accept no answer as well. I'm working on getting to a place where I can be at peace and feel fulfilled with 'just' the two kids that I have. But? it will be a process.


I pray that the test results are accurate and that they are interpreted correctly. I pray that I can let go and let God a little better on this. I'm sure another reason that I'm having trouble with this is I love science and I'm totally fascinated by it so when it cannot explain things, it's even more frustrating for me.



There are just so many things that I cannot wait to get the answer to when I get to Heaven... if I even am bothered by it anymore. ...that and how in the world we had snow today but it's supposed to be 70 degrees on Sunday?

I'm very, VERY excited for that prospect this weekend. I'm getting pretty bored with this wet, cold, soggy weather again this year. Global warming huh? I could go off on a whole other tangent about that. But, I'll spare you!

... because there is much more to the story... (referencing the entry below from last night)

The rest of the story is that as I was lying in bed last night with Karleigh and Rylan, I was spotting. I had been hoping and praying and having faith that maybe it was just "one of those things" and "totally normal". So, needless to say the short conversation hit me like a ton of bricks. It was not normal, nor just one of those things. The story is longer and includes nearly two weeks of pregnancy tests that were not steadily increasing in darkness, BBT's that were not remaining elevated and symptoms that would come and go. A virtual roller coaster once again but this time it was not brought on by medications or timing. My body did what it was supposed to the first half of the month, earlier than I expected (read: we were not trying) but once again something went wrong... for the eighth time, after the hope that maybe THIS was God's timing. Unbelievable really, but reality.

So, if you hadn't figured it out, that's where all the ranting and searching and debating over the last few weeks has come from. Plain and simple... I know He is with me. He has given me support beyond imagine with friends who have kept me in their prayers. They are feeling Him on my behalf but I'm still working on it right now. There is a peace with this. Either that or it's just numbness. It's hard to tell which it is right now. I never felt "right" about this one. I did look up the EDD but I didn't count out the weeks on my calender, or think about anything else much at all. I didn't call my OB or request Beta's. I left it in His hands. Self preservation perhaps, or God keeping me from getting too attached.

If you could pray for more peace and direction for our family, that would be great. I've turned the comments off for this entry because, well... because I can.

Let me set the scene for you: I'm lying in bed with Karleigh for some cuddle time tonight, Rylan slinks in and wedges himself between us flopping his arm across her.

K: You know, Rylan... Mommy almost had a third baby.
R: Uh, huh?
K: Yes, his name was Eli. There would have been plenty of room for him with us wouldn't there?
R: Uh, huh... I looooooove babies.
K: He went to Heaven instead. Don't you think mommy should have three children?
R: Uh, huh, the baby would fit right here (pats a spot between the two of them).

Talk about heartbreaking. If they only knew the whole story...

I figured I'd share a photo of what part of Eli's garden is looking like right now. I have spent quite a bit of time out there during the weather breaks over the last few days. Thinking. Working. Praying. I've rearranged some of the rock wall, added a couple of nice flat ones for the butterflies when they arrive, added a couple of annuals to brighten it up until everything else wakes back up and finished some weeding.

I am continuing to go through a valley where I'm really questioning God's plan for me. Not questioning that He knows what He is doing. Just His plan, as it pertains to me. That sounds self-centered doesn't it? People have chimed in and told me not to question or worry about what God's plan is. But after thinking about it, I think it's ok to question. I think that makes me more aware of what I'm going through, the things that I share here and the things that I don't. I think it will help me learn from my trials and hopefully allow me to open my heart even more.

As a parent I always try to make sure that I give the kids a run down of what they can expect. "Tomorrow we are going to get up early, have breakfast, and then we're going to run some errands... etc. etc." Oh how I wish my Heavenly Father would give me some heads up like that. But, that's not the way he works. We know there will be a beginning, an end and a wonderful eternal life but all that stuff in the middle is like him saying "you don't need to know all the errands, you just need to know that's what we're doing." *sigh* I'm emotionally exhausted but I'm trying my best to hand it all over to God.

I pray. I pray daily and many days mostly have a running dialogue with God if that makes sense? By the way, it's not always one-sided. But honestly at the very same time, I have trouble with prayer. I understand the need and the connection or constant thanksgiving but I'm not sure I believe that my prayers or someone elses prayers are really going to change the course of any given situation. That's one that I have just never been able to reconcile in my head. If He knew our days before we were formed... then He knew that I was going to (for example) have 7 pregnancy losses to date. So... my fervent, heaving, sobbing prayers for my doppler to be broken or there to be an error in my blood tests, or for it to just be harmless spotting... well, I don't know. I don't think that means that it's pointless to pray but I'm very conflicted about the whole concept and reality of prayer. I am not questioning God. I have faith that He still works miracles. I am questioning how we as human flesh have interpreted the word and have been taught. So, because God didn't answer my prayers the way I asked, then I didn't deserve that happy ending? No. I don't think that's the case but He knew that would be my prayer. I understand that there are miracles and answered prayers even if they are different than we can imagine. I also think about how flippantly someone says "you're in my prayers" and they don't really stop what they're doing and pray, they just say it because it's the "right" thing to do. I just want to understand it and frankly, it's tough not to get kind of jaded when I feel like prayer after prayer of mine gets stamped "denied" (and I'm not just talking about prayers where I include myself...). I can kind of start to see why people say "Why pray? God's going to do what He's going to do anyway..." I won't stop though. I still have too much hope that someday again I will receive an answer to my prayers. An answer where everyone will have to admit that was God's work.

Thanks for sticking with me through those rambling thoughts. And sincerely, thank you to those
of you who have prayed for us.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

I figured it was finally time to paint and fill the memory box that we purchased to hold our, tangible, Collin memories. It's very disappointing to see that everything fit with room to spare. Of course there are some mementos that we've been given that we have kept out but all of the pregnancy tests, sonograms, appointment cards, sympathy cards, hospital bracelets and the cloth with Collin's name embroidered on it are all packed away now in his memory box.
It is with mixed emotions that I finished this project. On one hand it's sad to have it feel like the final "thing" and on the other hand it's nice to know that I'm at a place where I'm OK with putting it away and can start to look forward to what ever is in store for us.

Fear Not

I'm certainly going through one of those phases right now. A dip. A high tide. A cloudy, foggy day. I know that that's all going to change but while I'm going through it, it's kind of a bummer.

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

THAT? Is a really good thing to come across when you're feeling, slightly, like a Who. So tiny in such a large world that I wonder, can my cry even be heard? It's hard for me to remember that I am just as heard with my single prayer as one little boy who is receiving thousands of prayers on his behalf. And he deserves them. But while praying yesterday, I have to admit, the question "is He even going to hear me?" popped up several times. I did not let it stop me and I continued but it was so nice to sit down at my computer today and see the above verse.


Today was one of "those" days. Let's see, first I woke up still exhausted, Jim left for work, I walked out of the living room and 15 seconds later I hear :


Oh no!


Oh mom!


We broke it!


He broke it!


It's broken!


*cue crying* (Karleigh and Rylan, not me!)


I have no idea what's going on other than there's crying and some thing's broken. It's pretty incredible how quick your mind can think before your body can even move. I continue to calmly think "Gee, the house is totally clean, there's nothing they could have really broken..."


Wrong.

Apparently, Rylan had stood up on the couch and went to jump and fall on his bottom. In the process, he also jumped backwards far enough that his head flung back and hit the window. Thankfully, he did not get cut. I did have to pick tiny pieces of glass out of his hair but no blood is always a good thing. By the way, nice spring weather we're having huh?

The window that I circled is the one that I will be replacing. Yah. I haven't gotten around to that yet today. We had a play date scheduled, here, less than a hour after this all happened. Hey mom? Isn't that the same window you broke with your shoe just before the pastor and his family were coming up to the house for dinner?!?!? ;) Anyway, it's too cold and wet to repair it yet. The temp needs to be over 40 degrees and it needs to be fairly dry... neither of which is going on right now. I have it taped up though to keep the cold air out and to keep any more pieces from breaking off. Yes, more broke apart after I snapped the picture this morning.

Oh well! I'm totally capable of fixing it, I just wish that I didn't have to. I have everything that I need. I got the "stuff" and called the local glass shop so I could get it cut so it's all ready to go once we get a break in the rain. The play date went great, we haven't seen these friends in about a year and a half. In that time kids have grown and they added a little guy to their family who was born but 3 weeks after Eli was due. It was really good to hold him and be totally ok with it. He wasn't Eli, he was just another little guy. It was a little weird to think about what things would have been like had it all gone differently. But, it didn't. It was still good to tickle his ribs, stroke his hair and rock him until he fell asleep though.

It's been a strange week and it's only Tuesday! Wonder what else is going to sneak up on us!?! Doesn't matter, I fear not!

A Sunday Night

Here it is, another Sunday night and it's been a few days since I've written anything. Truth of the matter is, I've been in quite a funk the last few days. I'm pms'ing big! time and I hate that. Usually, I can escape it fairly easily but *yay* not this go 'round I guess. I also detest the fact that even when we're not "trying" I get all edgy and irritated not because of hormones but because I can't shut my head up about the what if's and the fact that a "maybe baby" is always in the back of my mind. Grrr. I don't know why I thought that this would be any different than the last 9 1/2 years. Go figure!

At any rate, that's why I've been hiding. We've actually gotten a bit done lately. We hit up one of those home improvement stores and stocked up on some more plants. Only a handful have made it into the ground since the sunny weather was around while we were running the errands and then the rain, snow, sleet and hail has been going pretty strong since then. It will have to stop raining at some point and then we'll get them in the ground. I also have some more that I want to do to the beds out there. I'm feeling like it looks so beat up right now but then all I have to do is look back at the photos from last spring... and I feel better!

Karleigh and I did get out without the boys today. She had a birthday party to attend for one of her little friends. It was a wonderfully fun pony party... where 'pony' means there was one mini-horse and the rest were full size horses. She had a blast! She has respect for, but no fear of the horses which was great to see. She had a ton of fun and they rode for nearly an hour almost straight. They all took turns on the handful of horses that were brought out but it was, get on, go around, get down, get on another... which was the way it was set up. She did finally settle on a favorite though. A nice tall mare named Missy. It is quite possible that she enjoyed herself the most out of everyone. By the time they got to trotting at the end, her laugh filled the arena and she had the others all laughing too. She thought trotting was great. After the ride time they did a craft and they it was cake and present time! It was a really good afternoon and frankly, getting some time with the horses lifted my mood too. Oh yah, of course I crammed my camera in my purse =)

Karleigh and the birthday girl!....................................... Pucker up, pony!

A little bit of trepidation............................................... Nerves? All gone!

Waiting for another ride....................................... Making a new friend!

Mounting up!

Time to trot!