October 15th...

Today (as if every single day isn't?) is the day set aside to remember our lost babies. I don't like the term "lost". It's not like I don't know where they are... oops, where did I put that baby?... no, I know where they are and I also know where they're not.

The Process of Thought...

My brain is, at times, a bit of a detriment to me. However, it's predictable if nothing else. As if on cue, I have been questioning where I am really going to go from here. I'm not even sure where 'here' is anymore. Of course the questioning and the doubts always creep in after I have started taking the meds for the month. I do fully believe that some of that is a side effect of the medicine (I'm noticing the routine) so I have to take the thoughts with a grain of salt but they are still there.

The thoughts range from "why do you keep doing this to yourself?" to "you're not going to get another baby until you're a better mom". Then there is the "if God wanted you to have another baby, you would..." or "just be thankful for the two that you have". There are also the thoughts of how tired I feel now, will I be able to handle the exhaustion that comes with another infant? Of course I attribute much of my exhaustion to the current events and not the having two kids. But... the doubts are there and I hate it.

I have decided, for now at least, that I'm not going to do too many more tests and try to follow the 'what will be, will be' route. I"m also going to try to remember what Romans 8:18 says: For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. - thanks "K" for reminding me of that. I am to a point where I think that I would decline any surgeries that would be necessary to correct any damage so I don't really see the point in having the tests done. That, at least, is some progress in the thought process. I don't know if I'm going to give myself a time limit or a loss limit or set any more limits or goals for myself and I'm not going to at this point. Even though it took years to get our first baby, for some reason I didn't think that this would be so difficult. And yet, I know some are wondering why I want to even have a third child. Just a couple months before we got pregnant with Eli I had almost talked myself into being ok with "just" having two children. However, after planning and looking forward to having three, I still feel like my 'job' isn't finished. And even as perfect as one boy and one girl is supposed to seem... it just doesn't feel complete. I know that another baby will never replace Eli and that's not what I'm looking to do. I know that the emotional scars will always be there, I still think about my losses before the kids were born so I know that it won't go away but I do want our family to feel complete. I'm just afraid that I'm being too stubborn about doing it on my terms.

I need to find some peace and clarity on this subject...

Pumpkin patch and waterfalls...

Since this has been such a beautiful, dry weekend, we decided to head out to the pumpkin patch this afternoon. This has become a little tradition for us and right away Karleigh wanted to pick a seat for her picture. Getting a good picture of both kids together at the pumpkin patch has proved difficult, at best. There's just so much to see and the kids are never looking in the same direction at the same time!

Neither one was too sure what to think of the pumpkin man. Karleigh confessed this evening that "his gloves were kind of scary..."

Rylan had a blast going through the hay bale maze. He flew through it several times and even helped Karleigh make it through!

This chicken kept posing and getting closer and closer to my camera. I thought for sure I was going to end up with beak marks on my lens...

After we finished up at the pumpkin patch, we drove around the corner to the waterfalls so the kids could run around some more. I am one of those Nervous Nellie mommas especially when it comes to things like big high rocks and cold running water but the kids followed directions very well so they got to explore nice and close to the river.

Awww! Such a big 3 year old!

It was a great way to wrap up a wonderful weekend. We were blessed in the weather department this year as it seems that this weekend is going to be bookended by wet rainy weekends. It was also nice that Jim was able to work it so that he had three days off in a row. He hardly ever gets two days off in a row so three was a real treat. This weekend could easily have turned out to be a real bummer but instead, I found it very peaceful and enjoyable. Tomorrow is back to the same ol' same ol' but with a very strong feeling of refreshment.

Happy 3rd Birthday Little Man!

October 11th, 2005 brought me more joy than I ever expected when Rylan joined our family after exactly 37 weeks of pregnancy and a mere 4 hours and 15 minutes of labor (which was a total relief after the 38 hour labor with Karleigh).

Today we spent his 3rd birthday with a train ride through the country, cake, ice cream and presents with family. It was an absolutely beautiful day that makes you totally thankful for everything around you.

And the finished Thomas Cake! Not too shabby but my hand ached for two days after piping on all that frosting!

Passing the time...

As I wait for the inevitable, Rylan's 3rd birthday continues to draw closer. I've made lists to pass the time. I've cleaned house to pass the time. I've done laundry, made more lists, researched a bunch of different things and yet I feel like I have to ton left to do. Bottom line is, he's going to be three - he's made it perfectly clear that as long as there's a Thomas cake, he'll be totally happy.



I did not want to make a Thomas cake. I'm not really a huge fan of character parties - themes I love but characters, not so much. However, I relented. On Saturday, to occupy my mind, I decided to mold the little tank engines face out of fondant. I made two. Sure, the first one wasn't all that bad and Rylan was totally impressed but I figured that I could do better. The second one turned out a bit smoother... more smooth? ... whatever. It looks better to me and I think it's going to fit the cake better as well. Here's what my stress produced:


I'm actually really excited to see how it will look all put together. I'm planning on Friday being "cake day". Jim has Friday, Saturday and Sunday off so I'm hoping to lock myself in the kitchen and focus on the cake without interruption. Would he be just as happy with store bought cupcakes? Most likely but I'm going to continue to make their cakes until they ask me to stop. I enjoy it regardless of how unnecessary other people think it is (mom!).


And then there's Karleigh. She never fails to make me laugh. Out of no where a few minutes ago she questions... "Mom?" Yes Karleigh... "What do you like better? Boys or girls?" What do you mean? I like them both. "Well, do you like hair or not?" I like hair fine. "Oh, well, do you still like Uncle Mark because he doesn't have that much hair anymore..." I could hardly answer her. Of course I assured her that yes, I still love Mark even if he has less hair than he used to! ;) So, there ya' go - my comic relief in all of this - I'm glad they're clueless!

15...

15 is not a good number when you're talking about beta hcg's. I just found out that that's what mine had dropped to by this morning so now it's just a waiting game. Maybe in a day or two, this will resolve itself but since my P4 (progesterone level) is still high, it might be some time. I am scheduled to go back in next week basically for the "all clear" hcg and then I need to schedule my annual exam because even though it seems like it's been a never ending cycle of someone all up in my "business" I still need to have my annual. Fun, fun.

I was SO hoping for that miracle, but not this time. I asked Dr. F when he called, by the way... it's never good news when it's the doctor that calls, what, if anything more should be looked at. He wants to run an HSG, which is where they inject dye into my uterus and tubes to make sure all is well. Of course, clearly we know that tubes are not my issue. It is possible that there was extensive damage done during the D&C that I had to have done after I delivered Eli to, literally, keep me from bleeding to death. That is a plausible explanation. Not that it would explain my first or second or third losses but it would maybe shed some light on the most recent three.

So, that's where I am... out of limbo land and on to the waiting game. I've been reading over this passage the last couple days... I'm still waiting for it to bring me peace.

I Peter 4:12-13
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

Unbelievable...

I don't even know where to start with this one. You would think that I would because it's not like it's something new. Anyway, we managed to get pregnant again this last cycle. I found out a week ago with a simple home pregnancy test. I waited a couple of days and then had my doc request my blood test which came back nice and positive. It came back right above the average of what you would expect to see. I also requested a follow-up because really, a series of these tests are the only way to get a fair indication of "health". This morning I went in for my second draw and instead of doubling in last the 48 hours as it should have, it went down some. So, in simplest terms: yes, I am pregnant as I write this but I should be in the midst of my 6th loss just in time for Rylan's birthday party.

I felt so good about this one and am even surprised myself at how poorly I'm handling it this time. The edd would have been my birthday (which now feels like such a bummer), my fortune cookie the other night said "your lucky number for the week is nine" not that I believe in that but I thought it was cute... I guess maybe a lucky, happy 9 days, and lets not forget all the praying that I have done and the fact that I was just told that I'm at no greater risk for another loss than the next person. It's just feels so unreal to know that there were so many people praying for this pregnancy (there were a few people that I wanted to touch base with first before I put it all out here) and unless some crazy wonderful miracle happens, it just doesn't matter.

My heart aches for a third child but it's breaking right now. I don't know how much more I'm willing to put myself and my husband through. This is most likely going to be our third loss since Eli died. Four dead babies in less than 8 months - gee, not a great track record. I think I remember Jim saying something about "three more times max" but I don't know. We'll have to talk about it if I can. I'm feeling the sadness, and the anger, and the bitterness about this whole situation and that is not a good thing.

Anyway, that's what's going on. I'm glad that the majority of the birthday shopping is done because I think it's going to take some time to drag me out from under this one. I cannot help but start to wonder what in the world I have done to deserve this. It felt so right to me, this was going to be our miracle rainbow baby... unbelievable.