Passing the time...

As I wait for the inevitable, Rylan's 3rd birthday continues to draw closer. I've made lists to pass the time. I've cleaned house to pass the time. I've done laundry, made more lists, researched a bunch of different things and yet I feel like I have to ton left to do. Bottom line is, he's going to be three - he's made it perfectly clear that as long as there's a Thomas cake, he'll be totally happy.



I did not want to make a Thomas cake. I'm not really a huge fan of character parties - themes I love but characters, not so much. However, I relented. On Saturday, to occupy my mind, I decided to mold the little tank engines face out of fondant. I made two. Sure, the first one wasn't all that bad and Rylan was totally impressed but I figured that I could do better. The second one turned out a bit smoother... more smooth? ... whatever. It looks better to me and I think it's going to fit the cake better as well. Here's what my stress produced:


I'm actually really excited to see how it will look all put together. I'm planning on Friday being "cake day". Jim has Friday, Saturday and Sunday off so I'm hoping to lock myself in the kitchen and focus on the cake without interruption. Would he be just as happy with store bought cupcakes? Most likely but I'm going to continue to make their cakes until they ask me to stop. I enjoy it regardless of how unnecessary other people think it is (mom!).


And then there's Karleigh. She never fails to make me laugh. Out of no where a few minutes ago she questions... "Mom?" Yes Karleigh... "What do you like better? Boys or girls?" What do you mean? I like them both. "Well, do you like hair or not?" I like hair fine. "Oh, well, do you still like Uncle Mark because he doesn't have that much hair anymore..." I could hardly answer her. Of course I assured her that yes, I still love Mark even if he has less hair than he used to! ;) So, there ya' go - my comic relief in all of this - I'm glad they're clueless!

15...

15 is not a good number when you're talking about beta hcg's. I just found out that that's what mine had dropped to by this morning so now it's just a waiting game. Maybe in a day or two, this will resolve itself but since my P4 (progesterone level) is still high, it might be some time. I am scheduled to go back in next week basically for the "all clear" hcg and then I need to schedule my annual exam because even though it seems like it's been a never ending cycle of someone all up in my "business" I still need to have my annual. Fun, fun.

I was SO hoping for that miracle, but not this time. I asked Dr. F when he called, by the way... it's never good news when it's the doctor that calls, what, if anything more should be looked at. He wants to run an HSG, which is where they inject dye into my uterus and tubes to make sure all is well. Of course, clearly we know that tubes are not my issue. It is possible that there was extensive damage done during the D&C that I had to have done after I delivered Eli to, literally, keep me from bleeding to death. That is a plausible explanation. Not that it would explain my first or second or third losses but it would maybe shed some light on the most recent three.

So, that's where I am... out of limbo land and on to the waiting game. I've been reading over this passage the last couple days... I'm still waiting for it to bring me peace.

I Peter 4:12-13
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

Unbelievable...

I don't even know where to start with this one. You would think that I would because it's not like it's something new. Anyway, we managed to get pregnant again this last cycle. I found out a week ago with a simple home pregnancy test. I waited a couple of days and then had my doc request my blood test which came back nice and positive. It came back right above the average of what you would expect to see. I also requested a follow-up because really, a series of these tests are the only way to get a fair indication of "health". This morning I went in for my second draw and instead of doubling in last the 48 hours as it should have, it went down some. So, in simplest terms: yes, I am pregnant as I write this but I should be in the midst of my 6th loss just in time for Rylan's birthday party.

I felt so good about this one and am even surprised myself at how poorly I'm handling it this time. The edd would have been my birthday (which now feels like such a bummer), my fortune cookie the other night said "your lucky number for the week is nine" not that I believe in that but I thought it was cute... I guess maybe a lucky, happy 9 days, and lets not forget all the praying that I have done and the fact that I was just told that I'm at no greater risk for another loss than the next person. It's just feels so unreal to know that there were so many people praying for this pregnancy (there were a few people that I wanted to touch base with first before I put it all out here) and unless some crazy wonderful miracle happens, it just doesn't matter.

My heart aches for a third child but it's breaking right now. I don't know how much more I'm willing to put myself and my husband through. This is most likely going to be our third loss since Eli died. Four dead babies in less than 8 months - gee, not a great track record. I think I remember Jim saying something about "three more times max" but I don't know. We'll have to talk about it if I can. I'm feeling the sadness, and the anger, and the bitterness about this whole situation and that is not a good thing.

Anyway, that's what's going on. I'm glad that the majority of the birthday shopping is done because I think it's going to take some time to drag me out from under this one. I cannot help but start to wonder what in the world I have done to deserve this. It felt so right to me, this was going to be our miracle rainbow baby... unbelievable.

In my Purse...

I cannot think of anything very deep that I want to write about tonight so here goes... I received this in an email from a friend who reads, so instead of replying I decided I'd do it here. Apparently, it's supposed to give you some great insight to the "real" me. We'll see, it's pretty messy right now - humm, maybe that's your answer!

Anyway, without further ado *drum roll please* within my tiny pink Coach purse (thank you very much Lacey and eBay for the pic) I have:
~ a set of keys to the van
~ my wallet
~ a free floating insurance card that I need to put away
~ a Party City coupon... good for $5 off!
~ 3 shopping lists for birthday party supplies
~ approximately 5 feet of Gymboree receipts
~ a Target receipt
~ a car wash receipt
~ Orange Julius receipt
~ Fred Meyer receipt
~ an expired $10 off coupon for NY&C... spent too much on the kids to worry about me!
~ one yellow ring pop end
~ two wet naps and one empty wet nap wrapper
~ pink pen
~ a box of Tic Tacs
~ 18 cents floating around
~ 4 Gymboree Rise and Shine coupons and one $15 off of $50 coupon
~ my cell phone that needs to be charged

That's *all*! Yes, in that teeny tiny purse --- which is now clean thanks to this project!

P.A.I.L. Awareness...

October... it's very public knowledge that it's Breast Cancer Awareness month but it's also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. So much money goes into breast cancer research but there's a part of me that can't help but think that maybe one of these lost babies could have held the answer to healing and prevention for breast cancer among many other things. So why isn't more being done to try to prevent this? The realist in me says "because that's just not the way it's supposed to be" but the optimist in me says "but just maybe technology will get a handle on this!"

October 15th is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Across the world, people light a candle at 7:00 p.m. their local time for a global "Wave of Light" to remember our babies. Feel free to join in and please keep all of those who are dealing with loss, at any stage, in your thoughts and prayers. I came across a saying that says it all so well: A tiny life doesn't equal a tiny loss.

Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death. Sadly, there are so very many families that experience this. I started to write "women" but it's not just the women. It's the dads, and the grandparents, and the friends, and the expectant siblings. Most have no clue how to deal with it when loss strikes them. Some of us have walked the path multiple times but even then each step is different.

I know I've commented before on how a wonderful group of friends banded together and made a donation to A Small Victory when Eli died. If you have the means and the desire, I highly encourage you to donate to this non-profit organization grown from love and grief by another friend of mine. They provide loss kits to hospitals and now even doctors offices so that moms don't have to leave completely empty handed.

I was "lucky" to already know Liz and about her organization and she walked me through what I could expect and things that I should do. It was hard to absorb everything as I was lying there in L&D preparing to deliver and even harder after the delivery and surgery. You never think that when you get that positive pregnancy test that one day you'll be shopping for going home outfits and 48 hours later you have to decide which funeral home you want to take care of your baby.

For more information on P.A.I.L. Awareness, see:

http://www.october15th.org/ or http://www.firstcandle.org/

Reminders...

I know that I have shared before about some of the incredible people in my life. In this century, it is easy to call people, whom you have never met face to face, your friends. Sure, many of these people may live in my computer but God still uses them in incredible ways. One of these people in particular is so good about just plopping a verse or a lesson or a thought into my head when she thinks of it.

The other evening this friend, we'll call her "A"... sent me a little message and it included the following:
A missionary to Nigeria came and visited us.
He gave me these words:
"Only you can surrender your concerns to the Father. No one can take those away and give them to God. Only you can cast all your anxieties on the one who cares for you. What better way to start the day than laying your cares at His feet?"

...and just to tell you how in-tune A is... I just received another message from her so I'll save this and get back to it in a bit.

OK, clearly I'm back! Anyway, of course I'm dealing with a stressful time in my life but aren't we all? If your concern is money, or a house that needs to be sold, or a relationship, or arms that need to be filled, or jobs that need to be found, or moving that needs to be done, or tests that need to be passed, or illness, or sadness, or loneliness... no one else can solve those problems for you. She can pray for me but I have to do the work and let it go.

Let it go: that's where another friend of mine comes into play. She is constantly reminding me, and herself, that everything that we are experiencing is exactly where we're supposed to be so fighting it is futile. I need to remember to learn and grow from every single experience that I walk through.

I talk a good talk... some days it's hard to pull my boots on though and walk the walk. When I find that I'm starting to drift, that's when He pulls me closer and uses these amazing people in my life. Gotta' love that!

Tick, Tock...

Time has such a strange pattern of perceived movement. I just realized it's been a handful of days since I posted anything. Part of the reasoning is that I'm in the midst of that "weird" time that you TTCers are too aware of. The 2ww - if that just totally went over your head, don't worry about it. I'm just looking to speed time up right now in parts of my life and in the other parts of my life I wouldn't mind if it slowed down.

I've also been preparing for R's 3rd Birthday which is approaching like a locomotive. Um, yah, you would have to know that his birthday is a "train" birthday to find that remotely amusing. But yes, I would like to hold on to a bit more of his baby days. At three there's just zero pretending that he's still a baby. The only thing slightly anchoring anything of him to babyhood are his blankets that he sleeps with. K also still has her pup-pup though (most nights) but other than that, babyhood is gone for my kids. This in and of itself is bittersweet - I love watching them grow up and learn but they're days that I won't even get back. I was looking through old photo CD's from before R was even born and found video of K tickling her tummy during bath time. Too cute and yet something that I hadn't thought about in a long time.

I also get frustrated at the fact that the events that took place 7 months ago caused me to kind of pass though things without really noticing what was really going on. I don't know, I'm kind of getting off on a tangent which isn't all that surprising but yah, time does a funny thing to you so, right now, I'm just trying to deal with it until I get my footing and see where time will take me.

My other excuse for not writing is that we all have colds. We're thinking K brought it home from pre-school since she was the first to get it, then R, then Jim even got it and now I'm trying hard to fight it but I can tell I'm probably going to lose this battle. It's ok though, I'd rather have it now than in two weeks for R's birthday party. I hope you enjoy hearing about birthdays because that's the main thing consuming my time right now so you'll probably hear some more about it!

On that note, it's late and since I am fighting this cold I'm wiped out so it's time to hit the hay soon! Have a great weekend!