The Other Side...

Well, in the wee hours of this morning, I made it to the other side. The side where Eli has now been gone longer than he was with us. I was hoping that it would feel like a release. That would feel like some closure had been obtained from reaching this mark in time. That hasn't happened. I could wake up tomorrow and feel totally different but for today, I don't.

I have been in a foul mood for the last couple of days. Much of it, I'm sure, has to do with the messed up hormones in my system... not enough to do what they needed to but just enough to make me a nut case when normally, I'm actually quite stable. That's fun. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with what a "big" week this was, emotionally.
Sunday, with the blood draw and sky high hopes for anything and everything, sunny weather, a family day.
Monday with high hopes but no answer from the Dr's office yet.
Tuesday with the news that not only am I emotionally broken, I'm physically broken too.
Wednesday with disappointment of being broken on my birthday which I really didn't even want to celebrate this year. Having to listen to three "women" drink wine at the table next to us and rather loudly discuss when they were going to start having babies and how after "like the first 8 weeks, you're golden". It took every ounce of self restraint not to snap back with a "Get REAL! Are you totally clueless?" Oh and checking the mail and having to open an invitation to a baby shower, that I probably will go to but ouch. And then, feeling guilty about not being happy about receiving the invitation... come on!
Thursday, the sun came out again but I still wasn't able to kick the crummy mood that I've been in.
Friday was totally overwhelming as the house was messy, nap time lasted all of an hour and a half which is half our normal amount. R has been a potty training rock star and still is but just after he went potty in the late afternoon hours *grossness warning* ended up with a case of diarrhea on the white sofa, down his legs all the while he's saying "sowwy mommy, sowwy mommy..." I wasn't mad, kept my cool, told him that it wasn't his fault, it was just an accident, he probably just thought he was tooting and put him on the toilet so he could finish up, which he did, pulled the cushion covers off, tossed them in the wash, tossed him in the tub, cleaned up the carpet between the sofa and the bathroom... we were all good. Got him out of tub and dried off, pull-ups on just in case (he's been fine since - even woke up dry this morning!), he ran off to the playroom to play. While I was still cleaning up the bathroom he came back in with "beautiful marker artwork" all over his body. I had a firm talk about how markers stay on paper, etc. etc. etc. wiped him off and he ran off to play. I was still cleaning the bathroom and two minutes later, he was back... all marked up again! That time he was punished. It was a total comedy - for someone on the outside - of errors. Anyway, that was enough to make me pretty much feel like a parenting failure and of course my head started going to that place that says, "No wonder you're not going to get pregnant. You can't even remotely handle the two that you have - and they're EASY kids!" But whatever. I know that's just self doubt creeping in but come on!
Saturday, the day that Eli has been gone for longer than my body held him. Kind of bites that I can't get myself to a good place about this.

Man, it's a good thing I gave a warning earlier in the month that I would probably unload with a few vents thanks to the hormones. I guess that was an understatement. I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow brings me a little more peace but I'm guessing, with it being Father's Day, it won't. Maybe Monday...

God Smiling...

I didn't even notice this as I was snapping the pic of the hawks... it wasn't until I came in and opened them on my computer. Intentional or not, it was a nice little pick-me-up!

Thankful Thursday...

This is what I'm thankful for...

And... hot shins and thighs from working in the sunshine, children's cold medicine, Freecycle, birthday money, good friends, ice cream with chocolate sauce and peanuts, 3 hours of quiet time, blooming flowers and that the Lord can hear me pray no matter where I am. I've been doing that a lot lately because I'm feeling pretty out of control. I need to find that peace again.

I look at the picture above, I just took it yesterday, and think... gee, that girl looks like she's doing ok! But my inside doesn't feel like it matches. Bummer. Just another shift of the tide. It's been a longer span of time between this shift and the last. Again, I will roll with it and everything will be fine just as soon as it loosens it's grip in a few days. Meanwhile, I'll take the sunshine for the next couple of days, that's soothing to the soul.

Less Word Wednesday...

Happy Birthday to me!

Really??!!??

Ugh. See these two pictures? This is what the weather is like today, and what it was like yesterday, and probably what it will be like tomorrow. Hello? It's June. To me, June does not scream wind, rain, fog and 40 degree temps at noon.

Isn't it supposed to be about sun, gentle breezes, bright flowers and new life? Well, apparently this year, it's not and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. I do know that I'm not the only one with this problem around here but good grief! In all fairness it is supposed to be about 80 on Friday and then in the mid-70's at least through Monday and I'll hope that Murphy's Law doesn't take over after that since we have a timber management meeting here on Wednesday. It will be much more pleasant walking the property with the county muck-a-mucks in dry weather since the grass in the fields, though sparse, is quite tall this year.

*vent warning - you've been given fair notice, look away now!*

This weather, like I said, isn't really helping on the mental side of things either. I finally got up the nerve to call the dr's office yesterday afternoon and request my results, they weren't in yet but Dr.B called this morning to let me know that, based on the blood draw, I did NOT ovulate. Really?!? So, he has called in my Rx for the 100 mg dosage (this month was 50) so now I hurry up and wait some more. This part is frustrating. I have never NOT ovulated on the 50 mg dosage so this, again, is new territory. Blah. I'm getting tired of new territory. Literally tired, not necessarily OF it but BY it. Focus. Focus. Focus. A reason for it? Probably but it kind of bites to know that what worked before is not working now. I certainly didn't expect to get pregnant this month, but I also didn't expect to not even ovulate (according to the blood tests - I know there's always hope and I'm kind of a freak of nature anyway, obviously).

The Lord will work out his plans for my life-for your loving kindness, Lord, continues forever.
Psalms 138:8

Lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

So, onward and forward I suppose...

Random Thoughts...

First, no, I do not have a favorite child... I just have one that stands still a little bit longer than the other one does!

Second, I'm not sure if this post, yet again, is really going to have too much that follows a single train of thought. I'm finding that to be an issue lately. With the kids, with Jim, with my friends... I'll start a story or saying something and I'll get sidetracked and *boom* I'm off to something else. Then I'll be laying in bed, reflecting on the day and think "hey, I never finished that story!" I'm really not sure what that's all about, stress, hormones, getting old, having too many thoughts coursing through my brain at any given moment. I'm not sure. I'm still kind of feeling like I'm in that "fog" so we will see if that lifts in time.

Third, I've had several people ask me if we have anything planned for Eli's due date. We have thought about doing a little bit but then again we don't have a due date that really stuck in our minds. It kept getting moved around and with R coming 3 full weeks early we realized how "general" the due date is. So, aside from the few little things I have planned, simple things really, just little add ons to the garden. I'm thinking that what we'll do is a butterfly house for the kids to watch for several weeks - K has been bugging (haha!) me about doing the butterfly thing and since they had it at the pre-school, the requests have been more frequent. Not begging, just nice sincere requests. We will then let the butterflies go in Eli's Garden. I know they won't stick around and that's ok but I figure that solves a couple of issues that I've been dealing with. Namely, the due date issue. We'll let the butterflies go when they're ready, sometime around the end of July. I'll let God and the butterflies determine what day we let them fly.

The Caged Bird...

...this one was not exactly singing.

Now, before you go and call PETA, there's a story. Of course there is right!?! First a little background. The "cage" is really an old egg basket from the chicken house (we live on an old farmstead). The plant inside the basket is a Black Eyed Susan. It's all caged up like that because we have rabbits that love to eat the Black Eyed Susans all the way down to the ground. They especially like the new little growth which is always new little growth if it has to keep growing back from being chomped down. We, however, did not place this poor little bird inside of the cage though. Jim looked out the window this morning and saw it flapping around in there and came and got me with a "you have to see this". As best we can guess, the little guy was hopping around the flower bed hunting for worms and probably squeezed through the one end that had a slightly larger opening where the handle? is. I joked that maybe it just ate too much while inside so it couldn't get out. At any rate, I took a picture (of course) and then we lifted the basket up and it flew away. With a little "cheep cheep" which sounded very much like "thank you!" No harm, No fowl --- pun totally intended!



Today was my day 21 blood draw. The hospital was strangely empty... which is actually a good thing. I ended up having my blood drawn in the ER (since it was a Sunday and the outpatient lab was closed), where I was the ONLY patient. A nurse came down, slid the needle in, got my vile and taped me up - that quick! I really do like this new hospital. They didn't make me fill out any paperwork since I'm already in the system, it was flawless. Nice. I have a nice lump and bruise now but that's a small price to pay to get an idea of what's going on. It was very surreal to be back at the same hospital where I delivered Eli. This time I arrived with a little bit of hope in my heart. We even stopped at the fountain outside and tossed pennies in as we left... kind of therapeutic. I guess it's all about your frame of mind. I could have gone over there with a ton of anxiety and gotten myself totally worked up but I chose not to do that. I am finding that with grief, as with so many other things, it's all about how I CHOOSE to look at it and experience things. It's sure nice that I have that God given freedom of choice.