The Caged Bird...

...this one was not exactly singing.

Now, before you go and call PETA, there's a story. Of course there is right!?! First a little background. The "cage" is really an old egg basket from the chicken house (we live on an old farmstead). The plant inside the basket is a Black Eyed Susan. It's all caged up like that because we have rabbits that love to eat the Black Eyed Susans all the way down to the ground. They especially like the new little growth which is always new little growth if it has to keep growing back from being chomped down. We, however, did not place this poor little bird inside of the cage though. Jim looked out the window this morning and saw it flapping around in there and came and got me with a "you have to see this". As best we can guess, the little guy was hopping around the flower bed hunting for worms and probably squeezed through the one end that had a slightly larger opening where the handle? is. I joked that maybe it just ate too much while inside so it couldn't get out. At any rate, I took a picture (of course) and then we lifted the basket up and it flew away. With a little "cheep cheep" which sounded very much like "thank you!" No harm, No fowl --- pun totally intended!



Today was my day 21 blood draw. The hospital was strangely empty... which is actually a good thing. I ended up having my blood drawn in the ER (since it was a Sunday and the outpatient lab was closed), where I was the ONLY patient. A nurse came down, slid the needle in, got my vile and taped me up - that quick! I really do like this new hospital. They didn't make me fill out any paperwork since I'm already in the system, it was flawless. Nice. I have a nice lump and bruise now but that's a small price to pay to get an idea of what's going on. It was very surreal to be back at the same hospital where I delivered Eli. This time I arrived with a little bit of hope in my heart. We even stopped at the fountain outside and tossed pennies in as we left... kind of therapeutic. I guess it's all about your frame of mind. I could have gone over there with a ton of anxiety and gotten myself totally worked up but I chose not to do that. I am finding that with grief, as with so many other things, it's all about how I CHOOSE to look at it and experience things. It's sure nice that I have that God given freedom of choice.

Saturday Short...

I don't think I have anything too exciting today. I've just been hanging low and straightening up the house. I did get outside for a few minutes since there was a short break in the weather and was able to see that the radishes that K and I planted are popping up out of the dirt, looking for the sun - who isn't!?

I was able to snap a pic of Abby and Mumpy this morning at a "family event"...

...pretty cute huh!? Honestly, it was a little strange being at Build A Bear with the kids yesterday. We were planning on making their first visit very close to this time of year only it was going to be under different circumstances. We were planning to let them each make animals and then, together, make one to give to the baby when they visited at the hospital. As I have learned so often recently, plans change. It doesn't mean that life is now horrible and everything that we do now will always have a different meaning. What it means is that we have learned that we have to be fluid and change as our circumstances change, that's all but it's a huge lesson that takes so long to learn and accept.

The kiddos decided to invite Mumpy and Abby to a tea party this morning. Luckily the tea was only water and the treats were Kix! It was pretty cute to watch them have such a great time!

Friday Fun...

Oh man! It has been WET and COLD! This was Jim's last day of three off in a row and he had a meeting that he had to go to down in Oregon. So, instead of considering the day a waste, we got the kids up early and all went with him. The meeting was at one of the malls there and since we arrived early we grabbed some Starbucks and sat in the food court and chatted about our plans for the day which ended up including lots of play time in the play area, some shopping for a few new outfits for the kiddos, a new soccer ball, lunch at McD's and the biggest hit of all, a trip to Build A Bear Workshop. It's true that we're getting one of our own at "our" mall before too long but we decided why not? It's rainy and cold and wet. The kids loved it!

K picked out an orange tabby kitty with a heart beat (they were out of meows... I'm thinking, in hindsight, that's a good thing), a pink dress and matching shoes. Her name is Abby, of course. R picked out a monkey with the monkey sound (yah, that doesn't get old *not*), a Blazers uniform and a basket ball. His name is, get this, very creative... Mumpy. I would show you pics of Abby and Mumpy but they're both tucked into bed right now!

All in all it was a really good day, the kids were great again while we were out and they were crazy, playing together with their animals, when they got home. We did get thrown for a loop today as our 'check engine' light came on in the car and there's something about that light staring back at me that just sends me into total panic mode. We drove directly to the dealership and made an appointment for Monday because apparently, no one really works past 3:00 on Friday. Turns out, a solid light means that there's an emissions control that is outside of "normal" range and it's not a big deal. If the light is blinking... no more driving. Good to know. The service guy did tell us that it's very likely that the sensor that has a recall on it is what is causing the problem. Recall? Humm, that would have been nice to know about before the light came on. I find it interesting that the dealership has no problem telling us about the newest models, deals, sales, and specials but fails to send the recall information. At any rate, that part is going to be replaced for free anyway and if they can't get to it right away, they'll give us a rental. Not bad.

It's nice to feel like there is some sense of normalcy moving back into our lives. I felt like myself today. Part of it could have been that I was back in my old stomping ground from our college days and another part, I think is just the general healing that is taking place. Nice.

15 weeks 1 day...

Does that sound like a long time or a short time to you? That's how long it's been since I delivered Eli... I can't say "gave birth" because to me that means life as does "was born"... so usually I just say that's when I delivered him.

I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of writing and a lot of crying and even some laughing over that span of time. A lot of the time I feel like I'm doing much better but then you get those days - those gray, rainy, Pacific Northwest days that make you just want to pack up and head some where, any where where it's sunny. That will be something we do before too long if we have to.

It's strange because even though my life feels like it's kind of been in this weird in between place no body elses has stopped. My friends that are due to have their babies after me are all huge and cute and round and I'm back to 'normal'. They're complaining about being uncomfortable (the one huge pet peeve I have now) and I'm sleeping 'normally' - falling asleep on my stomach and waking up on my back - without worry of harming the child inside of me, because there isn't one. Blah. If the sun would make an appearance, I'd be glad that I was able to run around with the kids, sit in the sun and not be at all uncomfortable and clumsy but since all we're doing is hanging out in our sweats in the house, I sometimes feel like I might as well be round and pregnant. But I'm not. Anyway, that's enough of a vent there.

Back to yesterday. The pre-school visit went really well. K will have NO problem adjusting - she wanted to stay. The classes were on their bathroom and water break when we left and the hall was filled with a chorus of "Bye Karleigh!" so I think we're ok there. When we got back in the car she did say that she wished there were real desks so she could learn easier. I explained that in pre-school, most kids get to sit at those neat little tables instead of desks. She seemed to accept that answer only when I offered that cutting and pasting are easier at a table than at a little desk. Man, those chairs are SHORT though!

We then moved on to the mall to do a little shopping as evidenced by the outfit in the pic from yesterday and stopped at Starbucks for some "pink coffee". The barista's were so sweet to her - it could be because she walked up to the counter with total authority and ordered a "pink coffee please"! The barista asked her her name and so she told her. The lady asked "with a C?" and K said "no with a K... K...A...R...L, right mom? (me:yup!) ummm, E... or I?... E... I... G... H - that's it". They thought it was a beautiful spelling - which it is and every letter has meaning but it isn't the easiest one to spell. But, obviously, she'll get used to it! So, "Karleigh" and "Karleigh's Mommy" got our drinks and wandered down to the pet store.

It's times like that that I realize that my life is still moving on even when part of it feels like it's standing still too. That's what I mean about it being a really strange place for me. I'm actually looking forward to it next year though. We've been leading a pretty blissfully unscheduled life the last year or so, after being too over scheduled and scattered. It will be nice to get into a consistent routine. Maybe THAT will help me feel more like a grown up!

Less Word Wednesday...

The preschool visit went quite well and we had a lovely girly day, this little chicklet and me.

Whaaaa?...

Guess what?

I have NO idea what to write tonight.

Not one single clue... so I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I bet it will be VERY random and less than inspirational.

• Let's see, our big thing tomorrow is that K and I are going to go check out the proposed pre-school. There are a few in the area but this one seems good from the outside, so we're going to check out the inside tomorrow morning. This kid is growing up way too fast!



• I was reading the newest issue of Fitness magazine... ironically while drinking a banana milkshake tonight, and there were what? about 5 women lined up, mostly in their 30's and one was 28 as I recall. I looked at them and thought "WHOA, do I really look that old to everyone else?" Clearly, yes, according to the girls on MAX the other night. Not that it matters but I guess I don't look to me like someone who can say "why yes young man, I'm in my 30's..." humm... I wonder if I plastered a picture up where no one knew my age, what the guess would be. Have you ever seen the program 10 Years Younger? Yah, made me think of that. Anywhoo... what do you think? Maybe I just have a really distorted sense of perception...

• OH! While we were outside the other day we spotted a hurken snake in the flower garden that's right up against the wood shed. Now, where we live, we don't really have very many harmful snakes but this dude was pretty big. The kids loved it though... weirdos. Yah, K loved watching the snake but earlier in the day she went in the wood shed to grab some "organic material" (old cow poo) and came bolting back out, screeching and crying huge tears and slightly hyperventilating. She saw a mouse. A *quote* "big scary mouse, but it really wasn't that big just more scary and not really scary but it really startled me but I screamed so I probably scared it too..." All said through blubbering tears and screaming and then laughing because half way through her story she realized that it was just a mouse and that it was running away from her. However, she was quite glad to learn that the snake, later in the day, eats mice.


• I have told you how protective she is of Eli's Garden... well we HAD one little rabbit that was causing most of the damage. That won't be a problem anymore. We had a very determined fuzzy cat who took care of that "issue". When K overheard what had happened. She barely looked up from her corn on the cob and said "Well, good! but YUCK!" Come on! I was actually expecting her to be upset, but like I said, she loves that garden. In fact, that other night she woke up crying talking about how she was worried about what was going to get into the garden and eat the plants while we slept. So, here she is protecting the garden:
  


• R has had some more potty success. He managed to stay dry during our whole outing on Saturday and asked when he needed to use the bathroom and at the park yesterday he used the bathroom and he woke up dry from his nap today and used the potty most of the day too... I haven't had a gross pull-up in a few days now! Woohoo! (that was a terribly long sentence there!) He's getting to be a big boy too!

Yah, that's it! That's all I've got for tonight so I'm off to bed in a bit so I can get up ready to take on a whole new adventure with the pre-school thing. Reality is, it'll probably take less than 30 minutes but still... this is a big thing for both of us!

Project Impact...

"A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives..."
~Jackie Robinson

As I was putting the ticket stubs and MAX tickets away in our keepsake box, I flipped over this little post card that a PGE Park employee handed us as we left the game the other night. I really like the quote and thought it was worth sharing.

The quote made me think about how true it is on so many different levels. There are the obvious ones but I got to thinking about how it pertains to being a mother. Sure, as a mom I have an undeniable impact on my children's lives, that's a given. It is fair though to remind myself that I also control what kind of impact it is. I give them memories every day, are they the type of memories that I want to be giving them? Am I teaching them life lessons in a fun way? Or am I too uptight and wrapped up in myself and my "concerns" to let go a bit and have fun? I'd like to think not on the last issue.

I have been making a conscious effort to get back to being the fun mom that I used to be "before". I know that the tone of this blog is going to shift a bit as the up days become more frequent and the down days grow fewer and further between. That doesn't mean for one second that I'm better, that I'm over it, that I've healed... I probably never will. From experience, lucky me, I do know that the days will get easier and that's totally ok, actually, it's more than ok. It's GREAT! However, I am prepared for those days when I slip back into the grumps, the pity party, the poor me attitude. But in reality, there's not a lot for me to say "poor me" about. If I'm sad about losing my son, that's pure selfishness. He's in a better, perfect place and I will get to meet him the right way some day.

I have been working on scheduling a few more things in our lives. Gas prices are going to eat us alive since we live so far out of town but the kids, and me too for that matter, deserve to get out. We have spent way too much time at home since those fateful days in February. Today we headed to the park in town with some friends. We played a bit, had a picnic lunch and then played some more. We realized how cliche' it seemed to be having a play date at a park but I'm thinking cliche or not, the kids all loved it. The day started out pretty cloudy but by the middle of our park visit it was sunny and arguably almost hot. The weather was perfect and R has pink cheeks tonight to prove it! They all played on the play ground and then we changed our clothes and played on the spray ground. By the time I had started dinner, it was raining outside. I'm thrilled that we grabbed our window of opportunity and enjoyed today for what it was.

It was such a simple outing but the kids loved it. I need to make sure that every day, every moment has a positive impact on the lives around me. Here are a few photos from today...