Three...

Three long, short, happy, sad months ago we saw the face of baby number three. I hadn't even thought about what I would write today really. After finally getting the kids down for their nap - they were very intent in "bird watching" today for no apparent reason other than it made for a great stall tactic. Over the last few days the Barn Swallows have been crazy busy. Flying, scolding and showing off their fearlessness - I'm pretty sure they have new chicks in the nesting boxes in the barn based on their activity. We also have a bunch of Cedar Wax Wings who are working on de-berrying the holly trees which is fun to watch so the kids have been into birds the last few days. Lest I forget to mention they can overlook one of the hummingbird feeders from Karleigh's bed as well.

It finally quieted down upstairs and I opened my email after tossing in a load of laundry to find the new e-votional for the day. It's actually dated for tomorrow but I read them when I get them. It's titled "God Cares for Sparrows!" It's at this point that I'll say that about the only thing I remember about my grandpa's funeral 20 years ago was that we sang "His Eye in on the Sparrow". So, this is much of what was in the e-votional for today:

THE SONG THAT SILENCED THE CAPPUCCINO MACHINE

By John Thomas Oaks

It was chilly in Manhattan but warm inside the Starbucks' shop on 51st Street and Broadway, just a skip up from Times Square . Early November weather in New York City holds only the slightest hint of the bitter chill of late December and January, but it's enough to send the masses crowding indoors to vie for available space and warmth.

For a musician, it's the most lucrative Starbucks' location in the world, I'm told, and consequently, the tips can be substantial if you play your tunes right. Apparently, we were striking all the right chords that night, because our basket was almost overflowing.

It was a fun, low-pressure gig - I was playing keyboard and singing backup for my friend who also added rhythm with an arsenal of percussion instruments. We mostly did pop songs from the '40s to the '90s with a few original tunes thrown in. During our emotional rendition of the classic, 'If You Don't Know Me by Now,' I noticed a lady sitting in one of the lounge chairs across from me. She was swaying to the beat and singing along.

After the tune was over, she approached me. 'I apologize for singing along on that song. Did it bother you?' she asked.
'No,' I replied. 'We love it when the audience joins in. Would you like to sing up front on the next selection?'
To my delight, she accepted my invitation.
'You choose,' I said. 'What are you in the mood to sing?'
'Well. .. Do you know any hymns?'
Hymns? This woman didn't know who she was dealing with. I cut my teeth on hymns. Before I was even born, I was going to church. I gave our guest singer a knowing look. 'Name one.'
'Oh, I don't know. There are so many good ones. You pick one.'
'Okay,' I replied. 'How about 'His Eye is on the Sparrow'?'
My new friend was silent, her eyes averted. Then she fixed her eyes on mine again and said, 'Yeah. Let's do that one.'
She slowly nodded her head, put down her purse, straightened her jacket and faced the center of the shop. With my two-bar setup, she began to sing.
Why should I be discouraged? Why should the shadows come?
The audience of coffee drinkers was transfixed. Even the gurgling noises of the cappuccino machine ceased as the employees stopped what they were doing to listen. The song rose to its conclusion. I sing because I'm happy; I sing because I'm free. For His eye is on the sparrow, And I know He watches me.

When the last note was sung, the applause crescendoed to a deafening roar that would have rivaled a sold-out crowd at Carnegie Hall. Embarrassed, the woman tried to shout over the din, 'Oh, y'all go back to your coffee! I didn't come in here to do a concert! I just came in here to get somethin' to drink, just like you!' But the ovation continued. I embraced my new friend.

'You, my dear, have made my whole year! That was beautiful!'
'Well, it's funny that you picked that particular hymn,' she said.
'Why is that?'
'Well ...' she hesitated again, 'that was my daughter's favorite song.'
'Really!' I exclaimed.
'Yes,' she said, and then grabbed my hands. By this time, the applause had subsided and it was business as usual. 'She was 16. She died of a brain tumor last week.'

I said the first thing that found its way through my stunned silence. 'Are you going to be okay?'
She smiled through tear-filled eyes and squeezed my hands. 'I'm gonna be okay. I've just got to keep trusting the Lord and singing his songs, and everything's gonna be just fine.' She picked up her bag, gave me her card, and then she was gone.

Was it just a coincidence that we happened to be singing in that particular coffee shop on that particular November night? Coincidence that this wonderful lady just happened to walk into that particular shop? Coincidence that of all the hymns to choose from, I just happened to pick the very hymn that was the favorite of her daughter, who had died just the week before? I refuse to believe it.

God has been arranging encounters in human history since the beginning of time, and it's no stretch for me to imagine that he could reach into a coffee shop in midtown Manhattan and turn an ordinary gig into a revival. It was a great reminder that if we keep trusting him and singing his songs, everything's gonna be okay.

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk, Abraham was too old, Isaac was a daydreamer, Jacob was a liar, Leah was ugly, Joseph was abused, Moses had a stuttering problem, Gideon was afraid, Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer, Rahab was a prostitute, Jeremiah and Timothy were too young, David had an affair and was a murderer, Elijah was suicidal, Isaiah preached naked, Jonah ran from God, Naomi was a widow, Job went bankrupt, John the Baptist ate bugs, Peter denied Christ, The Disciples fell asleep while praying, Martha worried about everything, The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once, Zaccheus was too small, Paul was too religious, Timothy had an ulcer...

AND, Lazarus was dead! ! No more excuses now!!

God can use us to our full potential. Besides we aren't the message, we are just the messenger.


I've encountered lots of messengers over the last three months and I thank God for each and every one of them. Two of those messengers are on my prayer list for today - Liz, as I recall, is anticipating Phoenix's biopsy results today. My friend KayCee is on complete hospital bed rest with her daughter Genny. She's 21 weeks now and we are hoping and praying to make it past 24 weeks. Genny is KayCee's Rainbow baby. Not only is she dealing with premature labor but Genny also has some precarious cord issues with loose knots which can quickly turn ugly. As long as the labor can be stalled with medications this may be the best place for them since Genny is now being continuously monitored, any constrictions should be picked up right away. On the praise side of things, Jim received a promotion within the company. The best kind of promotion - where he basically keeps doing what he's been doing, he just gets a new title and a raise... plus some travel. YAY!

Psalm 84:1-3
"How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young-a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God."

ME...

I don't have a lot to say tonight. This is just something that I was thinking about today while sitting outside keeping an eye on the kids... I have a really big problem with being self centered. Not in an I have to have everything my way all the time. But in an even when I have the best of intentions I have a really hard time trying to say what I want without making it about me, way.
My opinion.
My insight.
My experience.
On and on it seems to go.

I was once, like LONG time ago, told that I spend too much time talking about other people. I wasn't speaking unkind words but for whatever reason that stuck with me. Then, when I was in college, I was a Resident Assistant and part of that was training on how to speak with people during confrontation. I suppose this would have been a tad helpful if confrontation had been something that I had trouble with. I didn't. The training involved making sure that you use lots of "I" statements. I do understand the need for that and actually have used it. However, I had far more luck with my peers by taking the "I hate having to write you up for this but, dude, we both know the rules and we both know that I'm just doing my job..." No harm, no foul, no hard feelings. I'm finding that I don't think that works all too well when it comes down to the empathy, sympathy, commiserating thing. I don't think it works well during the sit and chit chat afternoon where I constantly feel like I'm trying to dominate a conversation because of I statements. I don't know.

I guess it seems like a really weird place to be thinking about this right now. I guess the reason I'm doing it is because I have received so much love and support through this whole thing and I really just want to make sure that I'm always able to provide my friends the same type of support that they've shown me. I'm fully aware that there is so much that isn't about me. I'm not trying to make some one else's situation about me. I don't know what I always feel like I do that.

I need to work on that because I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable.

*No one has brought this fault to my attention it just seems like a daily struggle that I should address*

Sunny Sunday...

The weather is just stunning today. Sunny, 80-ish, gentle breeze, you get the picture. I'm trying to ignore the fact that every joint in my body aches and that I'm left with only a whisper for a voice. So, I'm resting on the couch, the windows are open and the kids are currently napping.

This morning K and I went out to water the flowers before the sun came around full force. I decided that a little Miracle-Gro might give them a boost so I pulled out the watering can, the hose and the fertilizer. You do have to picture this all in slow motion which probably looked pretty funny. We emptied the watering can once and I told her that I was going in to check on R, who was still working on waking up on the sofa. When I came back outside K was sitting next to the flower bed and announced that she had just prayed to Jesus for the flowers. Somewhere between trying not to cry and trying not to laugh from pure joy I said "Oh yah?" She said "Yah, it was easier than trying to do it with the watering can - that thing is heavy!" I couldn't help myself and had to ask her what she had said. She said (as best I can remember) "Thank you God and Jesus for the beautiful flowers even though we have them for the angel baby. Please let them grow strong and tall and pretty so we can laugh and sing for all to hear..." Yah, that makes a momma very happy.

At this point I started thinking about why in the world I can't always be thankful for things like that, why I can't look at the trials as just part of the journey in getting to a "beautiful garden" so I started doing some reading. I will leave you with my two favorite passages from today.

James 1:2-6

Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask Him, and He will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask Him, be sure that you really expect Him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.

James 1:12

God Blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Remember...

Philippians 1:3

I thank my God every time I remember you.

What a totally precious piece of scripture that was shared with me this evening. I'm still quite sick and though I don't enjoy trying to beat down a 103 temp with medicine, it has given me a chance to think a bit. I have realized that I have been thinking more about our first losses, the first one in particular. Actually the word "loss" is kind of strange to me because that would indicate that I don't know where the baby went. I know where he/she is. For some reason, today I was vividly remembering our 12.5 week appointment.

We were chatting it up with Dr. B, talking about nursery colors, themes, etc. By the way, we were going to paint the nursery yellow and accent it with green, cream, and bumblebees. We talked about how the closet was organized and that we had found some great sales on gender neutral things. The appointment was just like any other early visit, pee in a cup, check blood pressure and listen to the heart beat. The only problem was that they couldn't pick it up with the Doppler that day. I was getting excited because I still didn't know the difference between my heartbeat and that of the baby - boy do I know now. But in my naivete, I couldn't fathom that something would or could possibly be wrong. When Dr. B had had enough trying, he said, "you know what? let's send you back for a quick ultrasound." We were beyond excited to get a sneak peek at our baby and he made sure to let us know that it would be too early to tell the gender but that we'd get a good look. We headed back to the ultrasound room and from that point on, it all starts to get foggy for me. We were so excited to see the baby and before we knew it, the screen was being turned away from us and Dr. B was very silent. Somewhere in all of that we were told that it looks like there could be a problem but that it was very likely that I just mis-calculated my dates. Not possible. After that there was an appointment with a ultrasound specialist at a different office and we had to take the results back to Dr. B. I knew that it wasn't right since there was a lot of talk about pointing out my ovaries, my bladder... why wasn't she pointing out our baby, the heart beat, the head, the little feet? The next thing I remember is sitting in our car and reaching for the clasp on the big manila envelope that held the scans and Jim just looking at me, putting my hand down and saying "don't..." We drove back over to Dr.B's office and sat amongst a handful of pregnant women and post menopausal women. Before long we were called back by our nurse, Ruth, who had a box of Kleenex in one hand, my file in her other hand and a big hug with the words "I'm so, so, sorry sweetie." And I guess that was that. The discussion that followed included our "options". It's very strange to be given options while at the time you feel like you have NO options. We were not rushed and did not make a decision that day. We came home and talked about it, the pros and cons of the two routes that we were offered. Ultimately, we all decided that a d&c was the way to go and the procedure was completed the following week. I had wanted it done earlier but because of an "important meeting" I was threatened with job loss. Jim and I have both since left that company. Best. Move. Ever! I didn't actually know the gestation of the baby until our consult appointment when I got pregnant with Eli. There in my file it stared back at me "fetal demise 10.5 weeks". I'm not sure I dealt with it all that well at the time. I spent a long time curled up on the couch and pretty much "stuffing" all the emotion. I suppose that's probably what I just wrote so much about it now.

I won't ever be able to look at another pregnancy with such pure joy and excitement as I did that first time and I'm very thankful that though I remember the yucky, I also remember the feeling of pure joy in planning for our first child. I'm thankful that I enjoyed that 12.5 weeks with reckless abandon and because of my God, I can be thankful for every memory.

Fab, Fevered Friday...

Today I don't have much to say. My brain is on fire and even though I've been taking Ibuprofen, I can't seem to get my temp below 101.5. It's tough to be sick on the hottest day of the year, it was close to 95 today! Thankfully the kids have been really good. I have to brag on K a bit. She knew that I didn't feel good so at nap time, she gathered up R's blankets and his "plug", walked him upstairs, tucked him into bed, closed his door, came back downstairs, grabbed an apple out of the fridge, came into the living room, kissed me on the head, cuddled up and ate her apple while letting me nap a bit. It was fabulous! It was also really nice to be able to hear the interaction between the two of them. Very sweet!

This little girl totally loves her little brother!

Ahhh, Lizard Lips!...

I had a plan tonight to write all about the beautiful, albeit muggy, weather. About our nature walk and the photos that we took. About how sometimes the big picture is really in the little picture and enjoy the tiny things around us and watching things like plants just obey God without question -how they reach for the sun (God) but still need water and soil (scripture and friends) but I'm not going to. Plus, you just got the short version right there.

Well, remember that sick kiddo I had a few days ago? Have I ever mentioned how she is great at sharing? Well, she is. So, the momma that was up for taking care of the gardens this morning, a nature hike, a dance party before lunch, and starting another big house project, realized that she had the chills and goosebumps around 3:00 this afternoon even though it was almost 90 degrees and NOW she feels like she's been hit by a truck and has a 101 temp. I'm so glad that I just had K relax while she was feeling yucky - because it IS yucky. Also, about three days or so before she got her fever, she was just totally out of sorts. So, I'm not blaming my rant the other day totally on this illness, but it does help me feel a bit better about how "off" I was.

Instead, I think I'll show you this little guy that we found after I had watered the plants this evening, after some Motrin and after the sun had set. He was just hanging out on the outside of the basement. He was head up but he looks like he's on a sidewalk because I had to adjust my camera settings to (insert camera jargon here) so I needed the wall to steady the camera so it wouldn't turn out blurry - not too bad! The kids loved him! But again, God's creations at work... he warms himself when he needs to and looks for shade when he needs to, I doubt that he questions it at any time. I wish we could all be more like that!

The Big Picture...

So, today was a MUCH better day! It started off last night with going to bed early since I knew I was tired and Jim let me sleep in late this morning. Last night, just moments before I shut my computer, I received a message from one of my friends. She said that she had been thinking of me all day, and checked in to read and knew that her devotion for yesterday was there for her to share with me...

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Of course, it makes perfect sense and was received at just the right time because honestly, I was on the verge of tears just from frustration alone yesterday. She pushed me over the edge with that message but in a good way. So, since the message was received just before bed, I had a lot of time to let the passage and her other words sink in. When I woke this morning this first thing I started thinking, through my foggy brain was really, in the grand scheme of things, my missing Eli and my frustrations right now are like a single grain of sand on all the beaches and the bottom of the oceans of the Earth . Pretty minor - when you look at the big picture. The problem is that I wasn't keeping the big picture in mind yesterday and that's why it felt so overwhelming. So, as Yoda would say "focus on the big picture, I must!" No, I'm not a Star Wars fan but that's for the hubby!

As far as the planning ahead goes, well that's something I will always struggle with. I am a habitual list maker, I like to, ironically, have a vision of what the big picture is... the long term plan... but I tend to only extend that plan to the existence as we know it, that 79.4 years - give or take - that we have on this Earth... that's NOT the big picture. Yes, I understand that I'm being tested in a way. I have even come to accept it but that doesn't mean that enjoy that part of this journey. I should start embracing it though. I know that things always work out in the end.