Less Word Wednesday...

I cannot begin to describe how I feel when I look at these two photos.

To you (aside from the forced smiles in the second photo), they may not look all that different. However, to me, they are of two incredibly different people (ok, duh, they are photos of two different people - Jim and me - but I think you know what I mean)... the first one was taken last year on Mother's Day. The second was earlier today. It's really strange, the difference that a year can make in your life. I guess, what I'm trying to say is I really miss the happy, care-free, clueless person in the first photo. I'm sure I'll find a way back to someone close to who I used to be, but I will never be that person again. - side note, I am impressed with how much my hair has grown in two months *smile* oh and by the way, Jim is impressed and feeling very privileged to now be a part of the blog in more than a shot of his hand or the side of his head - apparently he was feeling left out *snort* poor guy... that's my hubby!

Be Still...

Too many times during the day, even during the night, my head is racing. As I sat down to actually write something about "good bones... blah, blah, blah" Psalm 46:10 washed over me. "Be still and know that I am God..." So, tonight my fingers, mouth and I are being still and will just share the lyrics to a Steven Curtis Chapman song and will add a YouTube video if you would prefer it that way (don't forget to pause the play list to your right first).



Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still, O restless soul of mine
Bow before the Prince of peace
Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that he has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still

Be Still, and know that He is God
Be Still, and know that He is God
Be Still, and know that He is God

Be Still; Be speechless

Be still and know that he is God
Be still and know he is our Father
Come rest your head upon his breast
Listen to the rhythm of his unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still, Be still

Manic Monday...

Yikes! It's late again and I'm just now sitting down to gather my thoughts... and I don't really seem to have any!!! Today has been another day of house work and home improvements. The weather was beautiful and just an all around good day again. I'm so loving that the days are getting brighter and easier. I was driving home from a trip into Portland today and I realized that something that was so easy today, would have felt nearly impossible just a few short weeks ago - just getting the kids ready, getting in the car and going would have been a really huge task. Today I accomplished that task without hardly batting an eye. It feels really nice to have turned that corner.

Part of me does wonder if all of this energy is really "nervous energy" and just another way to avoid my emotions but I'm thinking that's not the case. I think I've done a pretty decent job dealing with my emotions and I'm coming to terms with the fact that they're not always going to be as raw and as fresh. It's so relieving to feel the grips loosening but at the same time it's kind of sad to know that I'm moving past the intense part of missing and grieving Eli.

Finally, I thought I'd "show off" what that "nervous grief nesting energy" managed to produce over the weekend... it's oh, so cozy and wonderful to feel good about my surroudings!

Weird?

Is it strange that I'm really feeling good? Not ok, but good! Of course it's not a far stretch from Good to God and I'm thinking that's a great thing and much of the reason why I'm feeling so good. Perhaps I'm still on that "high" from 'stimulating the economy' this weekend and knowing that it was done with cash... just doing my patriotic duty after all - but I think it's more than that. I've felt an extreme amount of peace (even without understanding) over the last week or so. The dip that I expected last week wasn't nearly as deep and the highs are also getting higher. It feels really comfortable getting back to someone who is familiar to me.

I know that there are going to be times when I'm struck, out of the blue, by sadness and longing and missing Eli terribly, but it doesn't consume me every hour of every day anymore. It is such a relief to feel the peace. I sure do miss the "could have beens" but I'm also really trying my best to enjoy the "ares" and I think it's working out pretty well.

I really am thinking that the dream I had the other night was a huge release - my brain and God telling me "hey, it's ok to move on, to heal and get on with things". I have shifted from thinking that I'm doing a disservice to Eli's memory when I'm enjoying life and daily activities to realizing that I'm harming his memory by NOT enjoying myself. I have to believe that he would not want me to be upset and sad and moping around for the rest of my life.

Welcome to Holland...

It's late and I'm still working on "nesting" my living room but I refuse to miss a day posting! I decided why not add a little international flair to today?! We dropped a bucket of good ol' American cash at fabulous Swedish IKEA, where we also ate dinner, so why not add the "Welcome to Holland" story that many have ready before.

I first came across this when we were faced with a positive AFP screen when I was pregnant with little R. I spent way too much time reading message boards for "special needs" children for weeks after that. I have always read the following in that context. However, someone brought it up and how it can also relate to grief and it really does!

Welcome to Holland

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks, and you make your make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.


After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags, and off you go. Several hours later, the plane is preparing to land. And as the plane is landing, the pilot makes an announcement: “Welcome to Holland.”


“Holland ?!?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up to go to Italy! All of my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy!”


But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve taken you to Holland, and there you must stay. The important thing, however, is that haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.


So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met.


It’s really just a difference place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there been a while, you’ll catch your breath. And then you’ll look around and notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.


But everyone you know is busy going to and from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful place it is. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. Italy is what I had planned.”


The pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.


But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special and very lovely things about Holland.

Rocky Mountain News, October 29, 1990

Prayer Request...

Today I'm not going to do a "me" entry. I've had one of those very varied days... high highs and low lows. However I just found out that my worries and lows are very trivial compared to those of a couple of friends that I have.

Liz, who I mentioned in earlier posts - runs A Small Victory, helped me through the process of what to expect when I delivered Eli - just discovered that her 2 1/2 year old son, Phoenix has a 95% chance of having Hodgkin's but won't have a certain diagnosis until the 15th when they do a biopsy. They have also been dealing with very high blood sugars and were looking at a pre-type one diabetes diagnosis. I do not know if these two are related or not.

Another friend, Melanie, just received word that her brother-in-law (her sisters husband) Dave WILL be taken from his family from cancer as well. They are turning off the machines so that he may go in peace.

Please hold these families in your prayers. It seems like one of those days where I should look out the window and see gray skies and rain but I don't. It's sunny and breezy and beautiful out but my heart is breaking inside for these two families that have already been through so much.

I'm not sure where today's post is going to lead me, maybe no where and I'm ok with that! First things first, thanks for the comments and emails on my thrifty shopping (before you laugh, I see there's only one comment here but on my message boards there are more, I promise!) I figured that instead of keeping you in suspense ... yah, as I'm so sure you just raced over here to see my little $5 bird cage! Anyway... here it is!

I think it turned out pretty cute and that's all that matters, right? Total cost for this was about $6 since I had to buy a can of white spray paint but I had everything else already here at home.

I'm not fully understanding this grief nesting that I'm going through. It is certainly deeper than with my previous losses. Of course, those didn't have names or faces that I got to see - that could have something to do with it. At any rate, at least this isn't destructive behavior. I'm sure much of it also has to do with the fact that it gives me a sense of control, control that I didn't have over my body or Eli's life. It also gives me a comfortable place to land and it's important to enjoy the things that surround you when you are surrounded by them 24/7. I think it also gives me something else to focus on beyond my emotions. I need a break from those emotions every once in a while. So, it may sound odd, but the feathering of my nest is actually helping!

Which brings me to another really strange, totally unrelated thought about a dream that I had two nights ago. I shared it with some of my friends already but I thought I'd share it here too and see if anyone here has any idea as to what it means. I have a few thoughts of what it may mean but here it goes:

I dreamt that we [my family and I] were at an "odd" read: dark, 70's indoor outdoor type carpeting, poor lighting etc. but fun church and I looked down and realized that I still had my hospital bracelet on and my hep-lock in my wrist (which let me tell you is not a very comfortable place). The pews in the church weren't pews but instead very nice, long, white down filled sofas. Two army guys came in and I remembered something I always wanted to do so I thanked the guy sitting next to me for his service and he looked at me like he had a third eye so I stammered and said, "well, I assumed from your jacket (he was wearing the new digital camo)..." He laughed and said he was just messing with me and "thank you... or you're welcome" Then he looked down at my arm and noticed the hep lock and that my skin was starting to heal around it. I asked him if he would just go ahead and take it out... so I looked away and he did, but it hurt! As soon as it was out I felt a ton better and then clipped the hospital bracelet off myself. Then there was some gathering around, Jim finally came and sat back down (the kids had been jumping on the pews/couches) and the service started.... weird dream huh?

Any ideas? I have my own thoughts along the lines of maybe it was my subconscious/God telling me that it's ok to 'let go' of it but I don't know. I've never been one who interprets dreams and rarely do I have weird dreams like that. Generally they're dreams like last night where I'm rearranging picture frames or something like that. This one was far more memorable and has obviously left an impression.

So, as I suspected this entry ended up about a thousand miles from where I thought it might but that's ok. Right?