Show & Tell...

I thought I'd take a quick moment and share what I managed to accomplish out in Eli's garden this weekend. I wish it photographed better but I don't think the photos do it justice. In person it looks so much nicer. It isn't complete. There is one area that's bugging me and we still need to get some mulch down but it's certainly an improvement over the last step!

Over the next few days I'll share some closeups of some of the individual flowers. Right now there's a lot of green but hopefully by the first part of August, everything will be in full bloom!

This really has been therapeutic, working on the flower garden, and the kids have had a blast helping some too. I'm going to keep it short tonight as I have a killer headache and I still have one more wall to paint in the dining room. Remember that "grief nesting"? It's still going strong. This weekend I not only got a lot done in Eli's garden, I painted the living room and dining room. I highly anticipate some posts about being tired in the near future *wink*!

A Fly By...

I was planning on posting a "tease" of all the work I got done on Eli's garden today. However, this was too fun to resist posting. As I was getting the last of the plants in his garden, the hummingbirds were crazy! They were chirping at each other, chasing, teasing, dare I say bullying one another. We were able to identify 4 different birds at once but we're still not sure how many we really have around the place. So, after the sun set, I was able to catch a handful of photos and these two were my favorite.

I love how you can see the little feet pulled up, ready for the landing!

You can see each teeny, tiny feather on this one.

And with that, it's cool to remember that God created all these creatures, great and small!

3's About Me...

Well, since this blog is mine, I guess it's ok to be self centered right? Actually this was sent to me by my sister-in-law who really should update her blog more often *wink wink*. It's late and I'm tired so I figure where better to do this than here!

3's About Me!

Three jobs I have had in my life:
- University of Montana Admissions Assistant
- Newspaper Advertising Manager
- Optician

Three places I have lived:
-Harstine Island, Washington
-Forest Grove, Oregon
-Missoula, Montana

Three shows that I watch:
-Local News
-CSI
-Criminal Minds

Three places I have been:
- Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
- Manhattan, New York
- Deadwood, South Dakota

Three places I'd rather be right now:
- In bed sleeping
- On a warm beach with a cool breeze
- Did I already say "in bed sleeping"?

Three of my favorite foods:
- Coffee, yes I consider that a FOOD :-)
- Anything Mexican
- Homemade Chicken Alfredo

Three of my favorite colors:
- Pink
- Robin's Egg blue
- Apple green

And with all of that, more than you probably ever wanted to know. I will draw tonight's entry to a boring close!

Wandering...

Today is one of those days where I have had a million thoughts racing through my head, so fast that I'd be lucky to catch just one. So, since it's wonderfully quiet in the house today (tandem naps - woohoo!) I went blog wandering. It's funny how you stumble across them. As you've probably found, one leads to another, which leads to another which leads to another that has very little in common with the one you started at, yet, somewhere there, there's a common thread. Yesterday I read an amusing play by play on piglets being born among other things. Today I sat down for a few minutes, looking for some home inspiration (which I'll probably get into later) and clicked around to some familiar places and ended back reading about a yard sale painting with a wonderful message.

Psalm 40:5

"Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare."

It's hard not to slip back into that pit of grief and I started thinking about it, while cleaning the bathroom of all things, and I realized that my grief is not really for the loss of Eli. He's safe. He's happy. He's healthy. He's perfect. He's running the streets of glory hanging out with some really cool people. But what I'm grieving is the loss of all of the "could have been's" for us as a family.

I was thinking about a pink baby tub/sling that we were going to purchase at Target. Then I had to slap myself back into the reality of the fact that #1, Eli's in Heaven and #2, he was a boy and we probably wouldn't have gone out of our way to purchase him a pink tub... blue probably, well, maybe. I'm not sure if it's all part of the loss process or if it's yet another unique situation. See, my "gut instinct" couldn't really settle on what I thought we were having, his high heart rate pointed to a girl based on the old wives tales. During the fateful ultrasound, I asked if she could tell the gender, she commented that "there was nothing to indicate that baby was a boy, looks like a girl". However, upon delivery, he was quite clearly all boy! So, I'm not sure what that's all about in my head. I had started the grieving process for our baby girl (if only for 2 days) and then had to start over grieving our little boy, Eli. I guess it was just one more of those "things" and probably why I still get that sinking feeling at baby items period... gender just doesn't matter. I'm not even sure why I brought that up other than, even that is something that was written in God's plan.

I have faith that God's plan is for us to prosper and I have to grow and learn from this situation. However, I also don't want to wallow in it. Yes, I know this blog is about my healing process and part of that process is going to have to be writing about the other things in my life besides Eli. He was a short entry in our lives that has made a huge impact but I have to make sure that the impact is a positive one. I want something good to come of this, I'm just not sure what it is going to be yet. I have a few ideas of how I can help other moms going through the same thing but I don't want Eli's life and death to be for not.

Good Family Fun...

What to do on a cold, windy, rainy, raw evening?

Glow in the dark bean bag toss - nice!

Less Word Wednesday...

It's usually wordless Wednesday on these blog thingies but have you ever known me to be "wordless"? Nope. So, it's going to be less word Wednesday around these parts. I spent much of yesterday working on a couple very special photoshop projects for a few friends so today I worked on my own. I will tell you that mine isn't near as cute.

Here is a small set of photos from the Evergreen Aviation Museum. That place is chock-full off various aircraft with the centerpiece being the refurbished Spruce Goose... you can't really get a photo of individual planes in there without the heads of strangers, so I decided to focus on the interesting, to me and little R, parts. Poor guy spent most of the day cuddled up with me in the Ergo carrier. It's the only way I was able to walk out of there after a few hours without having lost my mind. I let him down for a while and he cried like I was breaking his poor heart because I wouldn't let him crawl under the chains and crawl on the planes. Luckily all the museum volunteers are really nice older men, many of whom flew the actual planes that are on display, so they were more than happy to see another little guy totally excited about the aircraft.

With that, I will draw a close to my less word Wednesday.

Scattered...

Yikes! I was all over the place today. Had you peeked in my windows today you would probably have concluded:
1. that they really need to be cleaned on the outside and
2. that I should, most certainly, be medicated (no offense to those who are...)
I couldn't finish one project without starting another three first - in fact, after I opened this to post it, I had written the first two sentences but then decided that I should vacuum the living room. I was quiet, I was crazy, I was happy, I was sad. I felt a little loony to say the least.

Aside from my nuttiness, I was reminded that grief is afflicting so many people and in very similar ways. Though I am kind of uncomfortable with having to go through this process, it's nice to know that I am not alone and even during my darkest moments, there are probably people thinking of me and praying for me. For that, I am quite thankful. I'm also thankful for the people that have come into and come back into my life. Their support is a tremendous help. Even if it's someone just saying "hey, I'm glad you're nuts too - that makes me feel more normal" it puts a smile on my face and a twitter in my heart. I'm also thankful for the deeper conversations that take place privately, they really make me think about the whole picture.

I'm fearful that those who are standing by me may not understand how thankful I am for their friendship and I always worry that the words I say could be being received in the wrong way. I haven't been called out about that yet, so I guess that's a good sign. I also believe that as long as what I'm saying is done so with the most pure intentions and an honest heart, God will make sure that the words are taken the right way.

The e-votional that I received yesterday, and was intended for today, was entitled "Sigh or Soar" which made me think of the be better or be bitter theory that I have. I realized how many times that I have posted, over the last two months, how many times I have written *sigh* in a post or an email or even thought it in my own little mind... that's really not like "me" at all -I'm so not the Eeyore persona. The scripture that goes with it is:

Isaiah 40:29-31
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

I have to now think that those times when I think I'm losing it because I'm happy, laughing, dancing to silly kid songs with the kid folk, have a burst of productive energy or just feeling very "chill" is when I'm actually the most with it and with Him. I'm going to keep working on soaring and hope I don't crash.