All or Nothing...

Today is just one of those days. I am filled with both peace and anxiety, excitement and serenity. Those emotions are really wrestling with each other and it's a bit strange since I've been going through all of the emotions of grief, but it's usually one or the other. I have experienced the wild swinging back and forth but this feeling all of it at the same time is rather odd. I find that when I start experiencing those types of things that I can't really wrap my head around, I often end up flipping through the few photos of Eli that we have, setting up my camera and taking pictures of the pictures so that I can edit them and crop them differently (they do not scan well at all). It seems to be a trick to make me think that we actually have more photos of him than we do but whatever helps me "deal" right?


I know I've said it before but I am still so shocked, amazed and impressed by his perfect hands. I am not just saying "perfect" - they were. Dr. B called back today to confirm what the nurse had told me last week. Anatomically, he was perfect and frankly, chromosomal anomalies generally present themselves physically as well (which I already knew too). Dr.B seemed more concerned about my mental health at this point. He is just a genuine guy that has had to deal with his own losses as well. He knows our entire history and rejoiced with me when I showed up at his office, pregnant without medical help, just a month after my annual. He choked back tears when he once again, had to confirm that we had lost another baby. Anyway, he wished that he could give us more answers but he understood when I said, "it is what it is and knowing would not change the outcome." So, with that, it feels that we have arrived closer to the last chapter of THIS part of the story.


I believe that God has a plan for our family far beyond what I could imagine... pure and simple!

The Starting Point...

I took advantage of a break in the rain today to snap a photo of where we have (most likely) decided to place Eli's flower garden (I also decided to try a little Orton effect on the photo since it was so boring before). We're hoping to plant it between the woodshed on the right, moving the antique washing machine (that white thing that's been a planter for as long as I can remember) and wrapping it around the old tree on your left. The tree is already great for hanging baskets, wind chimes and hummingbird feeders. We spend nearly all of our time in the back yard so we want to have it somewhere we can enjoy it at all times... this, so far, is our plan.


I'm feeling a little bit of anxiety about it but I think that's mainly because I'm one of those who once they have an idea, they want to get in and start working on it. God is certainly working on teaching me patience... as soon as we agreed to the spot and I went to grab a shovel, it started pouring down rain and hail. Now, I don't see that as some sort of "sign" that it's a bad idea. I see it that it's April in the rainy pacific northwest, nothing more, nothing less. So, there's the "before" picture complete with spotty moss in the lawn and the rusty roof of the woodshed. That was actually where my great grandparents and my grandpa lived while they were building the house that we currently live in. My only concern is this new little guy who has taken up residence under the woodshed...


So, while I would rather be tending to a nursery and my newborn son this summer, I will be tending to a lovely garden spot instead. I also know that this summer my garden won't feel "perfect", it will take a while to grow and mature and reach it's full potential. I promise to share photos of the process as we move along with our little creation. The thought of a flowering garden spot brings me joy, happiness and hope. While I was standing and looking out the window at the spot in the photo above I thought about how appropriate John 16:22 is right now. "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."

Liquid Sunshine...

... otherwise known as rain, but it has felt more like liquid sunshine today for the most part. The kids, my mom and I all took a field trip to IKEA today. It was a great indoor activity, we stayed dry, we wandered around, we listened to and watched airplanes (IKEA is nearly at the end of the Portland Airport landing strip), we ate lunch, walked around some more and then came home. That was our plan for today, fairly simple - the kids were so good. R snuggled the entire time in his Ergo carrier belly to belly with me, periodically grabbing my cheeks and planting kisses on me. Once he did bonk my nose, drawing tears from my eyes, but that was a small price to pay for literally hours of scream free, wiggle free shopping. K was a trooper, riding in the cart or walking right beside us with minimal touching (that's a big thing for her). They both were rewarded for their outstanding behavior, which is rare... (the reward, not the good behavior). K picked out an incredibly soft stuffed cat and R picked out a wooden train set. He got very nervous any time it was out of his sight and made SURE that it was going to be coming home with us. So, no, that may not seem like a big outing but every step towards "normalcy" feels great.

Once we got home, I checked the mail and I had TWO cards from some lovely ladies. I'm not sure if they conspired together or not but both cards had a packet of wildflower seeds. I'm sure the rain will stop falling at some point and I can't wait to add them to my flower garden! Thank you so much, L & T, for adding a bright point to my day and a HUGE smile to my face.

Another bright spot... tonight is date night! This is not a regular event, in fact, I do not remember the last date that Jim and I had. So, in just a short bit, we'll be leaving to go out to dinner. There will be no booster seats or high chairs involved or balloons or scarfing down dinner before either little one decides that it's time to go home - NOW! Beyond that we have no plans for tonight. It'll be kind of fun to just go with the flow and see where we end up!

So, though it's been rainy, it's been liquid sunshine. It feels good to get back out in to the world and let my mind drift in a million different directions about a ton of pointless stuff at times. It was a little difficult when we were out today. The last time we were at IKEA was to get new dressers for the kids' room since we were preparing the upstairs for a bedroom swap in order to get the nursery back in shape and there were a ton of newborns and pregnant women. I wasn't jealous though which was a relief, I just think I noticed them more than I would have otherwise. My head has been filled a bit with thoughts of little Ethan (that I linked to last night, exactly 12 hours, to the minute before he passed in to eternity). My thoughts and prayers are certainly with his family tonight as their entire world as they have known it has changed.

Tired but Good...

I know, I'm not going to have a very interesting post tonight. Just checking in really. I've been busy all afternoon with kid and family stuff and it's good! There are a number of people weighing on my heart tonight, but these two families in particular...

Little Ethan Powell

Tricia, Nate and Gwyneth

It would seem tonight that these two families are about as far on the opposite ends of the spectrum as they could be right now. I'm sure you'll be touched by both of them.

As for me, I'm off to bed and am hoping for sweet dreams. Look out IKEA, I'm headed your way tomorrow!

Relaxation!

Today was a wonderful, relaxing day and the weather was beautiful as well - bonus! We still have snow in the shadows up here in the hills but down in the valley, Spring is in full bloom. The kids and I headed to my friend M's house. She declared that it was time to put an end to my "hermitism" and I all too willingly agreed. It was so great to do something that was totally normal for me and for the kids. They had clearly missed each other as K had a full blown melt down about not wanting to leave after 4 hours. I promised her that it would not be that long between visits next time --- she's four, I have no doubt that she will keep me totally accountable!

Thanks to the fresh air and freedom of back yard antics, the kids were WIPED. OUT! So, we came home, filled our tummies, relaxed for a bit and loaded them in to bed. I'm tired too but it's a good tired. It's so very different than the worn out and physical exhaustion and it's different from the mental drain that grief can weigh you down with. Dare I say, it's just "normal" being tired!? It was a great visit, there are just some people that "get it" even if they haven't been in the exact same position. M and I laughed and joked. We talked about some heavy stuff too. She spoke of Eli without stuttering or diverting her eyes from mine, though I'm sure I looked away at times but that's a bad habit I have. We walked through her yard and looked at her flowerbeds - that are planned - who knew you were supposed to "plan" them!?! She will be my right hand gal when it comes to helping me design our flower beds this year and was mindful to point out the plants that will attract hummingbirds and butterflies in addition to being pretty and, hopefully, deer resistant. Thanks M!

Today, I felt much like I did yesterday. Cleansed and peaceful. I started to get into it yesterday, but then deleted it - yesterday afternoon the OB's office called back. It was the same nurse who had called to tell me that we won't end up with a chromosomal analysis result. The poor thing, maybe she's new, maybe she felt the need to give me an answer as to why the samples didn't grow or maybe a bit of both. She was really trying her hardest, trying to help me understand but the thing is I think I understood more than she did. I just let her talk when I realized that she didn't really understand the process and couldn't pronounce chorionic villi. I'm at peace with the fact that we don't have that answer, there was no gain in making her feel even worse. So, I listened and told her thank you. She sounded so flustered. I expect a call from Dr.B next week when he's back in his office. Not that I NEED one, but she needed to know that she wasn't leaving me with the answers or lack there of. I told her that I understood and that everything was ok. I don't think she believed me. I guess my point is, if in the heat of the moment, I can say "it's ok"... it really must be.

I'm feeling like I'm back in the "game." I have friends who are currently pregnant, some are brand newly pregnant, some are heavily pregnant and I'm genuinely happy for each and every one of them. I still have moments of sadness and mostly disappointment for what I thought was to be. I have hope that some day the roles will be slightly reversed but I just can't begrudge any one of them their happiness and their miracle. I will live today for what it is and will do the same with tomorrow. The way I heard it today, M said "our past is just a story."

Matthew 6:33-34

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Spring Cleaning...

The sun is shining, the sky is a vibrant blue, there's a gentle breeze, just a beautiful peaceful day. It's Wednesday and still, I dove in to the first major step of my Spring cleaning... deep cleaning the carpets. We have nearly white carpet in the "hub" of our home. Smart. I usually keep up with the spots but due to that not being on the high end of my priority list over the last six weeks, there were quite a few grungy places. Too many for spot cleaning at this point so they got steam cleaned. It looks and feels so much better!

It's funny (not haha funny, but I can't think of the word I want right now) where God finds opportunity to get in my head. Part of the drone from the cleaner helped to clear my mind however, I still had my iPod on and blasting in my ears. Shock of shocks, ok not really... every single song spoke to my soul. I understand that is part of the beauty of music that there is so much that can be left open to interpretation however, with thousands of songs some of the most important ones popped up as did some that I had never heard but will always been on my play list now. I also realized that it might be time to update my play list here. Many of the songs now make me kind of sad. That's really neither here nor there but just a sneak peek into the way my mind works... kind of like a pin ball!

Of course I AM sad for what I don't have here but that's not my overwhelming emotion any more. I have excitement, energy and hope... thank God. I know much of it has to do with where I have been looking, where I allow my heart and my head to go. There's that saying "garbage in, garbage out." I know that if I was surrounding myself, reading, and immersing myself in bitter, angry thoughts that's what I would be living and reflecting. I cannot do that. I would much rather be living in peace and sun light. I've thrown open the windows of my heart and my soul feels cleansed!

Psalm 51:10-12
“Create in me a pure heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.”

It sure seems a lot easier for me to be happy and excited, which is rejuvenating, than to be angry and bitter which is just exhausting!

Acceptance...

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

~Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

This is, thankfully, where I'm at with things today. That tiny part of me keeps going back to the "Gee, I wish I knew what went wrong..." But I won't - and that's ok. What I find so great is that I can be ok with not knowing. Plus, knowing wouldn't fill my achy arms, it would probably just give me even more to query Dr. Google about and that's not a productive use of my time or talents.

It's all too often that I think we as humans try to answer those "who", "what", "when", "where" "why" and "how" questions for our worldly understanding. However, those questions are not important in eternity - it's only the answer that matters: God.

There is no way that I would trade the moments that we had with Eli to know for sure why he died, what caused it or how it could have been prevented. He decided when Eli would come in to our lives and He knew where we would be when He would take Eli home. God will watch over and keep me regardless of my knowledge about the matter.

I have said before, I made a conscious effort to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy. I have tried my best to remember every moment during and after delivery - even the haunting dreams, surgery prep and passing out - it was all part of the multi-dimensional experience. And I will embrace that forever.