One Month...

It has now been a month (and 13 hours) since I silently delivered Eli. A month does not sound like a very long time but it's been a pretty incredible journey. I have gone from feeling like there would be no way possible for me to leave the hospital without my child to feeling both beat up and beat down, to being at total peace with the events that took place. I have cried, I have laughed, I have walked in the shadows of other mothers going through similar experiences. I have only left the house three times but hey, I'm reducing my 'carbon footprint' and not straying from our family budget! I have total peace but I'm still not quite 100%, obviously. I still have physical reminders of what I've gone through and I expect that the tides will shift again before too long but I still believe that there was a purpose for this all happening.

I have come to terms with my new normal. We still do normal "normal" things around here... coloring Easter eggs, cooking, playing, cleaning, time-outs, baths, movies, and getting outside when the weather cooperates. But, there's also a new normal. The normal that every day I will be asked the question "when are we going to have a new baby?", "why did baby Eli die", the new normal where I still know that I would have been in the middle of my 21st week of pregnancy, we would know if the baby was a boy or girl, we would have a list of names, the nursery would be started again, I would be completely in maternity clothes or sweats, my sciatic nerve would be screaming at me, I would weigh about 15 pounds more than I do now... those thoughts are still with me. I'm ok with it though. Those thoughts are all conceived by me, not by what God's plan is for me.

I'm having kind of a quiet day today. I miss Eli, terribly, but at the same time I can't take myself down the road where I'm a mess about today. I know he's safe, I know he's happy - that makes it hard for me to be totally worked up about this angel-versary. There will always be a part of my heart that's missing but there's also a part of it that I would never had known had Eli never come in to my life.

A Change of Peace...

Nope, I didn't spell that wrong.

It's exactly what I feel today... a change of peace. I had come to terms with the fact that Wednesdays would be full of anxiety but today is different. Literally, I have a change of Peace. It's complete peace today. At 1:04 am, yes I was still awake for the 4th week in a row, but I wasn't crying in bed. I was sitting at my computer reading about His perfect plan in someone elses life. I realized He does have a perfect plan for each and every one of us, I just have to follow the path that He sets before me. I'm sure I'm not "over it", I will never be "over Eli" and I won't be surprised if tomorrow greets me with a different emotion but right now, I do have complete peace about Eli missing from this Earth. I don't believe that there is anything that I could have done differently to change the outcome. I have to give it to God and be faithful that there is a reason and even if I never understand it in this lifetime, I have complete peace about it. Today is beautiful and sunny. My heart isn't totally weighed down. I'm planning for things beyond the present day. It feels great!

The photo above is of ceramic heart keepsake that our hospital provided to us. It reminds me of Mt. St. Helens ash. It is supposed to signify that hole that is left in your heart when you lose a child all too soon, that a piece of your heart will always be with that child. True. However, I looked at this photograph today and it had a totally different meaning to me. Our plan was to put the smaller heart with Eli's ashes but I just haven't been able to do that. Today I looked at it and realized that to me, it doesn't signify the loss of something in my life anymore, it signifies the gift. Without that little heart, the picture would be incomplete.

John 14:27
"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.
Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

Thank you!

Smacked Upside The Head...

I got smacked upside the head today in the most fabulous way!

It was something that made me cry and smile at the same time.

You see, I was trying to act "normal" today, keep my mind off things that I cannot control and be a bit productive at the same time (multi-tasking at its finest). Our office/guest room closet is pretty much my arch-nemesis. Everything seems to end up in that closet. That's also where my maternity clothes were so my first goal was to get those boxed up so they would quit laughing at me every time I opened the door. Next step was to gut the closet. Finally, having made quite a bit of progress, I came to yet another box. It held some things that I had cleaned out of my grandma and grandpa's little desk a year or so ago. And by "cleaned" I mean, just stuck in a box and moved it to another place in the house - out of sight, out of mind. I knew what was in there - old check books, bank statements, closed account notices from every time grandpa decided to switch banks. Anyway, I was quickly thumbing through each envelope before it went in a burn pile box. A tiny slip of paper fell out and on to the bed. It was folded in half and when I opened it I could tell it was grandma who had written it.

It reads: "Time and tide move on and we move with them or we find ourselves defending battlements that have been deserted, not only by our enemies, but by our friends as well."

Those words were written down and that paper was folded in half at least 20 years ago based on her handwriting and the dates on the envelopes that it fell from. Even knowing that those words were speaking very loudly to me, I consciously thought "no way..." and actually said out loud, "... not sure I believe I was MEANT to find that today." So, I folded it back up, set it on the end table and went to make my lunch. I heated my soup on the stove and sat down at my computer while it was warming. I opened my email and the e-votional in my in box was "BELIEVE!" - as if it was shouting at me. So, I opened it, read it about four times and yes I do believe that that note was written years ago for me to find it today. I've been having a rough few days, doing the questioning thing, being a bit angry and not letting things 'roll' like I normally would.

To quote several passages from the message today...

"Faith is always a choice. If we believers had to have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it would not be faith, but a rational action. Real faith requires us to step into the unknown and believe in Jesus because of what we read in His Word, not as a result of what we rationalize."

"As disciples of our Lord Jesus Christ, we need to come to the place in our spiritual life where we quit the impossible task of trying to figure things out. The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."

"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him. The choice is yours. I trust and pray that you make the third choice and that it will be your final answer!"

I have been saying all along that I have faith and hope and that I believe that there is a reason for all of this but I have always added the disclaimer "I just want to know what it is". I am working really hard to remind myself to remove that qualifier. I have to. I believe that God made sure that grandma wrote those words (which by the way, I can't seem to tie to anyone even with all the powers of Google), that she folded the paper and it ended up tucked in between some old bank statements. I believe that last year it didn't fall out when I put everything in the box because I wasn't meant to find and read it until today. It's all kind of overwhelming to know that God knew that my grandma would have a great grandson who wouldn't live to take a breath, a granddaughter who needed desperately to read those words but would question them and have the need to believe reaffirmed.

It all goes back to that passage from a week or so ago (that I had come across a number of times in the same day)

From Psalm 139
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

WOW!

When Life Hands You Lemons...

When life hands you lemons, you're supposed to make lemon-aide right?

Well, today, life dumped a whole produce aisle on me and frankly, all I wanted to do with those lemons was collect them in a bowl and fire at them at someones stupid, ignorant head.


However, I took a deep breath and realized that all that would do is make a really sticky mess that would sting my hangnails while I try to clean it up.

Ok, you probably realize that there isn't actually someone standing in my kitchen who is going to reap some physical, lemon wrath but that was the way I felt earlier today. Had it been possible, it may have happened.

I had to pray, hard, for some peace, understanding and acceptance of someone else's ignorant statements and attitude. All the while I was also defending myself and my feelings not to mention that fact this person pulled out and tried to play a "card" that she shouldn't have (it's a ridiculously long twisted story). Wouldn't you know it though... out of the woodwork came people who let me know that they appreciate what I've said, what I'm going through and that that other person was totally out of line. It meant a lot to me and helped me realize that I was not the one with the problem. The point is I realized today that it doesn't matter what someone else thinks... they're my emotions and I don't need to apologize for them especially if it has nothing to do with them. Chances are they're not going to understand them anyway. I can laugh. I can cry. I can joke around. I can get sad. I can be numb. I can get protective of others going through the same thing. My emotions are mine to own. They are what they are - nothing more, nothing less.

I had a bit of a Forrest Gump moment just before I sat down to "think" this through...

Lemon-Aide, Lemon Ice, Lemon Chicken, Lemon Pudding, Lemon Bars, Lemon Meringue Pie, Lemon Drops, Lemon Marmalade, Lemon Spritzers...

I think I'll actually be able to use these "lemons" for quite a few things and for quite a few days! Anyone care to join me!?!

"Life is Like a Box of Chocolates..."

I wonder what I'll get tomorrow!

$14,623.90 and counting...

$14,623.90 and counting... that's the total on the EOB's that I've received (to date) to NOT bring Eli home alive. That does not include my prenatal visits prior to him passing away or the genetic testing that we chose to have done in hopes of getting some sort of answer as to "why". It also doesn't include what it would have cost Amy to come and photograph Eli alive. Amy graciously donated her time and services as a photographer for NILMDTS. Some people bring their babies home in car seats, we brought ours home in an urn. It should be interesting to see the final total on this whole thing. Before anyone gets too concerned, we have excellent insurance thank God... really. For that, I am so very grateful.

I am trying to remember all the things that I am grateful for. That's probably the reason I seem to rehash that every few days. The things I put here are more concrete in my mind, it's kind of like saying it out loud. I'm grateful that I have two healthy kids, a ridiculously loving and patient husband, my health, a roof over my head, food in my pantry, money in the bank, safe vehicles that run and are paid for and those are just the physical things that I can see from my cozy sofa.

Things are going to be ok. It's just a simple fact that I have to remind myself of all the good in my life. It's hard not to get dragged back down a little bit every time I know someone is getting ready to start this journey of missing her baby. So many times it doesn't seem fair but I don't think life is about fair. It's about making something of what I've been given and being grateful for all of it. I have to remind myself that it's not about the "why" I have to go through it, it's about the "how" I choose to go through it.

Lessons...

I'm writing late tonight, mostly because I haven't been able to nail down a single, solid thought all day today. I'm not really in 'decision making mode' right now. Goodness, I just told Jim to feed me "whatever" for dinner tonight so that's just the way the day has been. I kind of seem to be in limbo right now and I know that's ok. So instead of putting a whole lot of energy into dragging an original thought from my brain. I thought I'd expand on something I came across earlier in this process.

I've learned that I can keep going long after I thought I couldn't possibly function.
I've learned that friends can sometimes become strangers, and strangers can become friends.

I've learned that angels can hide their wings under scrubs.
I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for lack of compassion.
I've learned that some people will never, ever - "get it" even if they try.

I've learned that I hope those people are never in the position to see things from my point of view.
I've learned that no matter how bad my heart is broken the world doesn't stop for my grief.

I've learned that no matter how bad I think it is, it could always be worse.
I've learned that life can be changed in a matter of minutes.
I've learned that the people we care most about in life are always taken from us too soon.
I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.

I've learned that it's ok to laugh and cry at the same time.
I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words. But the same is true for love.

Eli's tiny footprints from the hospital, smudges and all:

If the eyes had no tears,
the soul would have no rainbow.
~Native American Proverb

The weather today here was totally crazy. It was all over the place in a very short time. It was rainy, sunny, hailing, calm, clear and bright, dark and cloudy. Although we didn't see snow today they're forecasting it for our elevation tomorrow!

My point is that while I was watching the weather swing wildly back and forth today, I realized how much that seemed to mirror the emotions that I've been feeling lately. Grief isn't a single emotion, it's multi-faceted. This morning I woke with a specific friend in mind and literally ran to the computer to start it up and see if she had checked in. I was optimistic for today and quite excited to tackle the tasks for today. It was sunny. Well, my friend checked in and the rain came pouring down, more than the gutters could handle. I had to finish my projects for today and completing them made me feel really good, the sun came out and warmed up the totally clean house. The sun felt so good but before long the rain started falling again...

Without sun AND rain, we can't witness the beauty of a rainbow and what it represents.

Eli has caused me to be so much more aware of my surroundings, of other people, and really to experience everything from every angle if possible. Sometimes when I think about Eli, it feels like the rain, sometimes it feels like the sun. I'm pretty sure it will always be that way and I'm ok with that. I enjoy the rainbows.